Training Camp Judged a Success
Group rides began and finished in the dark due to the 6.5 hours of sunlight at this time of the year. Riders were once again thankful for the Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking which provided partial relief from the icy cold wind.
Reached by telephone in his luxurious villa, Johan had nothing but praise for his team. "Smoky Lake is a place of dreams. The team defrayed some of my overhead with their knit wear production. Frozen extremities are a small price to pay for this special experience."
Alberto can only look on in envy from the Astana training camp in Spain.
Training Camp Announced
K2nees demands more ballsiness
I for one am training this winter season sans scarf and shirt. I am attempting to recreate the robotic discipline shown late great (dead and frozen) Russian riders who felt grateful for their paltry morning gruel and anything resembling clothing. By hardening my body to the elements I shall gain a level of mental fortitude only displayed by Johan the Souse at the Blackjack table.
My wish this festive season is for one and all to change their bourgeois ways and find out what WWJD really means on a personal level. As for me I am wishing speedy, efficient amputations and an early spring.
Kindest regards, K2nees
A Tale of 2 Scarves
You might be wondering which scarf I chose to wear today. Since the morning low is a mere minus 15, I chose a multicoloured scarf from Florence, expecting that its thinner nature would be suitable for the moderated temperature. I have some interesting observations that I would like to share with you.
The scarves in this analysis will be called Sisley (long navy blue cotton/wool mix, purchased in Florence, Italy) and Ermini (striped delicately coloured wool, also purchased in Florence, Italy).
The scarves were tested for the following characteristics: Neck warmth, facial coverage and overall look.
Neck warmth – okay to good
Face coverage – moderately excellent to excellent. The stretchiness of the weave would make full facial coverage at lower temperatures impossible.
Overall look – utilitarian excellence (not to be confused with Unitarian excellence)
Neck warmth – excellent to extremely excellent. almost too excellent
Face coverage – probably poor to moderate due to its narrower nature.
Overall look – elegant excellence with aspirations of operatic attendance.
Conclusion: depending on where I am going and who I might meet on the way, the wind conditions and a variety of factors too numerous to mention, both scarves have a purpose and are welcome additions to the scarf stable.
Team Vitesse Concerned
Night Train questioned the permanent nature of prison tattoos. "I don't want it to come off in the first rain storm!" she injected.
Johan still has to determine who will apply the tattoos. His plan is to assign "tattoo partners" from within the team who will apply the ink to each other. Funnily enough, Johan has not been assigned a partner at this point in time.
Team Vitesse Signing Bonus
Lampo thinks that the tattoo should be lower on the rider's forehead so that it won't be covered up by his helmet.
Training Regime to include Swimming
Alberto's Huge Mistake
Upon hearing the news Johan said, "Good riddance to that whiner. He was too much of a team player for us anyway."
Lampo Bianco's reaction was eager and selfish, "That just means more plywood products for us!"
K2nees mused, "Team Vitesse could have taught him so much..."
LeTriple beamed at the news, "I am glad he is not on my new team. I didn't feel like pulling him over every climb in every race."
h20 remarked, "The sensations are good. Let's party!".
Obviously a rivalry has been spawned. No doubt Alberto will have to get used to watching the backs of Team Vitesse riders as they disappear into the distance throughout the TdF.
Alberto Wants To Pay
Winter Training Tips
Increase Your Lung Capacity the Lampo Way
On his recent 1.5 hour flight to the west coast, he experimented with increasing his lung capacity even further. Lampo strapped a pillow over his face to filter out potentially harmful viruses and increase the effort of breathing. "By making it more difficult to suck air and actually fight for your very life, your lungs will increase in power, efficiency and capacity," wheezed Lampo. He recommends a smaller couch pillow for flights over 2 hours. Thank you for that LB.
Team Vitesse Off-Season Activity
Lampo Bianco is travelling without precarity to the west coast on a surveillance mission. He and Hat Model are attending some festal occasions.
K2nees continues to avoid perfidy and displays much uxorious behaviour. Both LB and K2 have shown so much uxoriousness that there will be additions to the Vitesse team in 2010.
LeTriple continues to amaze with perspicacious fotos of his now weekly assaults of Mont Ventoux.
Night Train's lack of quiet querulousness may awaken with the continued consumption of farl.
Johan's insistent plangency can be heard from his private social Siberia.
h20 persists in producing somewhat specious blog entries which, it is hoped, are the opposite of longueurs.
PE5GW is just plain sick of moving.
Lampo's Erudite Feedback
HL 88 Proclamatiion
The celebrations marking the Year of Erudition will be modest because HL88 is not a profligate manufactory.
Lampo to tell all
Watch for excerpts of "The Lamentations of Lampo" exclusively here at cyclingcosmonaut.
Declination of Cadel
Riders Beg for Chance
In case of a tie, whoever has the most tied stooks in the time allotted will be allowed to carry refreshment bottles for the likes of LT, LB, K2nees, h20, and Night Train. Both Alberto and Cadel are reportedly in training for the great mow off.
Check Your Programs Please
Henceforth the newest addition to Team Vitesse, our Netherlands based correspondent, will be known as LeTriple or LT. New contract documents with his corrected name will be couriered to his cosmodrome in Zeeland immediately. When asked for comment he said "I have good sensations with my new team. The undulating terrain in Zeeland is very challenging. Training here allowed me to conquer Mont Ventoux and that is how I came to the attention of Johan."
Johan has decided that Alberto will be allowed to attend the training camp/team building exercises in January. "We will see if he can keep up to our stars. He will not receive any remuneration for his efforts just like everyone else on the team", Johan stated.
Training camp opens in Smoky Lake as soon as the temperature reaches minus 30 degrees C.
News from the Slayer of Ventoux
As I know you can appreciate the feeling of suffering caused by climbing a mountain on a bicycle, I just thought I'd drop you a line to let you know I set out for Mont Ventoux again a few weeks ago. With a friend (the one who crashed into a tree, last time we were there) I rented a house a few km along the way up from Bédoin for two weeks.
Our main goal was to reach the summit from all three sides in one go, preferably within 2 hours time. As we had two weeks available to us, we decided to warm up a bit by riding some routes I found on a site dedicated solely to Mont Ventoux (http://www.dekaleberg.nl/ if you're interested). To work up our courage, we went up from Sault first as it is the easiest route to take. I am pleased to report that we reached the summit well under our target time of 2 hours. Dat geeft de burger moed!
2 days later we attacked the climb from Bédoin. This proved to be a lot more difficult, though easier than last time for I never had the idea that I would fall of my bike for lack of speed. That said I averaged only 10,4 km/h and at some point did not seem to be able to go any faster than 8 km/h. If my friend and I hadn't been climbing together, I think we both would have turned around. Anyway I reached the summit only one minute shy of 2 hours, within my target time, having been passed only twice, and without stopping. Loads better than last time, so I can now comfortably say that I conquered le géant de Provence. The last ascent, starting in Malaucène, proved to be at least as hard as the one from Bédoin. It is much more irregular, and steeper in places. In addition a few kilometers along we had to battle against the wind as well as against the incline. Unfortunately it took me 2 hours and 3 minutes to get to the top. But I didn't much care, as the wind made it so cold all I wanted was to get back down as quickly as possible. Descending quickly wasn't much of a problem as I reached a new max speed of 85,4 km/h.
As you know, I have this cool gadget on my bike that records just about anything. It's no SMEVEC, but it does the trick. Here's the record of my climb from Bédoin: http://connect.garmin.com/activity/16220642
Bilious Blog Celebration
Blinding Beauty of Bling CAFIB
Cross Season Ends in Tears
Contador to Vitesse
Contador is said to be seriously considering joining Team Vitesse. "Vitesse is unfettered by a pro license and rides outside the law. Johan is such a motivating force. This makes for good sensations", remarked Alberto recently. Given the chance to ride with cycling legends Night Train, Lampo Bianco, K2nees and h20, Contador would be a fool not join to the Team. Johan believes that Contador is a good fit. "Team Vitesse is made up of individuals who look after themselves first. That is how we roll", drawled Johan.
h20 has offered to sweeten the deal with cut rate CAFIBs for Contador and his extended family.
"Alberto will join us. He cannot afford to ignore the aerodynamic benefits of plywood" posited Lampo.
"Contador can learn a lot from the best on Team Vitesse" said K2nees.
Cold Arm Foundation Initiative Bracelet
The CAFIB is now available from Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory. Quantities are limited so act quickly now to ensure that you can be the first one in your peer group to own a coveted CAFIB. Satisfy your craving!
Injury Spells Death of HEAVY DROP?
Far more disconcerting is the possibility that the HEAVY DROP, h20's patented downhill maneuver, may disappear from the professional peleton. You may remember that the HEAVY DROP is the technique of launching an attack on a downhill section of the parcours preferably when a nature break has been called. h20 was a pioneer of this procedure and one its finest practitioners. "I simply will not be able to bend the cranks like I used to" quipped h20 sadly. This news comes as a relief to K2nees whose constant efforts to catch h20 will be marginally easier now.
Happy Lucky 88 Corporate Motto
"No Labour in Excess of Necessity" will be the watch words for this pedalling powerhouse. By following this sage expression, HL88 can maintain its ridiculously low prices while nurturing their analytic and synthetic prowess.
Cold Arm Bracelet Initiative
By sending much needed $$ now, future generations of cold arm sufferers will not have to enter the cycle of cold arm suffering or indeed ever suffer from cold arm. ACT NOW!
Legal procedings planned
What makes this especially galling are the arrows at the model's wrists and knees as well as the exit arrows at the shoulders. When compared to Happy Lucky 88's Super Absorbent Rain Cape (below) there is little doubt that this upstart competitor has directly copied our arrow use.
It is likely that this blatant pointer copying will be mired in legal limbo for many years to come. Rest assured that Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has vowed to defend its singular right to use arrows.
Team Vitesse Launches Foundation
Lampo Celebrates Birthday
Please join cycling cosmonaut in wishing LB an excellent 2010 racing season.
A Metaphor for not winning
Health Plan for Vitesse
Team Vitesse Injury Report
Lampo Bianco has joyfully increased his carbon footprint by flying to San Francisco with Hat Model. His mission is to secure more sponsorship for Team Vitesse and do a little sightseeing on the way.
h20 underwent minor surgery for a problem with his middle finger. Overuse in the upright position during races made it impossible for him to make a fist. The surgery has been judged a success as he is now back to punching riders from other teams.
K2nees has been gainfully employed and continues to drool over titanium. He also continues to take a hard look at elk in the wild.
BLOG GOES UPTOWN
Singular Single Speeding
Pucky now rides above the head badge, master of all he surveys.Inspired by Johan, The Steaming Madman, LB and h20 wanted to make up for omitting the Single Speed World Championships from their racing calendar. They also knew that this would be their last tune up before travelling to Switzerland for the UCI world road championships. With Lampo as point man, the duo smoked over the dry rooted trail at warp speed. Joyous was the mood and as heart rates became elevated, the rapture set in.Pausing for some liquid refreshments, h20 liberated a pair of brewskis from their bubble wrap protection. To that point, the Surly chain tensioner had never been properly tested. Success was just a bottle cap away. Fully refreshed the duo suddenly found themselves in darkness after the sun dropped out of the sky.
The riders now feel fully prepared for the world road championships and look forward to being able to purchase their plane tickets very soon. Apparently Johan was in charge of transport procurement but once again squandered the funds on wine, women and song. Donations are now being accepted for the "Let's Get Team Vitesse to Switzerland" fund.
Vexatious Villain Verified
Vitesse prepares for Worlds
Disappointment rippled through the team after it was learned that they had missed their chance to dominate at the Single Speed Championships in Durango, Colorado. No one was more upset than Johan who had vowed to make this event the party highlight of his year. Now the team must find ways to propitiate the great man to avoid the rescission of his services.
Surly Monkey Mojo
The individualistic missing magic charm was the subject of a massive mojo manhunt. It was finally discovered after apparently having gone through the laundry. At its original 4 foot height, the MOJO might have been a liability when strapped to the frame of a bicycle. PE5GW must have been aware of this when she included it in the wash. Now its actual size will not affect the high performance of LB on his Monkey.Pucky the Mouse Beaver was known for his bravery and ability to be invisible and be in 2 places at the same time. We wish Lampo Bianco and Pucky the Mouse Beaver future success and safe riding.
Team Vitesse's Search for MOJO
h20 now must locate the delicately wondrous item which was carefully placed somewhere in the man cave.
Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has developed a new line of clothing specially designed to address the stress and duress of dress. Based on its successful Super Absorbent Rain Cape, new micro ply-fiber actually wicks moisture in. Nonexistent durability coupled with extreme discomfort means only one thing: you are wearing the best that HL88 has to offer.
Road Army Update
Putting the "B" from Business in CycBling
Crowd Causes Catastrophy
h20, S&M and that day's protected rider, Lampo Bianco, set a furious pace for the opening 500 meters. Massive crowds greeted them along the route. As they crested a catagory 1 col, the sound and smell of the clamorous fans grew to a fever pitch and odor. h20 was setting an infernal tempo at the front. One fan ran out seeking an autograph from LB. It was then that the much maligned Team Vitesse teamwork came to the fore.
Known for their incessant internal attacks, Team Vitesse has received undue criticism for being individuals on a team looking after their own interests. "I acted on instinct!" said h20 in television interviews later. Review of the race footage clearly shows the course of events.
As the fan was about to reach LB and hinder his forward progress, h20 sacrificed his body, GC placement and his bicycle to block the fan and protect LB. h20 found himself down on the tarmac with extreme road rash, a deep muscle bruise on the upper thigh, torn ligaments, arthritis, liver damage and most importantly, a damaged front brake lever. S&M quickly dismounted to assist his fallen comrade while LB put in a few choice punches and words into the seething crowd. Team Vitesse riders were far ahead of the support vehicles so any reparations were up to the quick thinking trio. Shaken but unstirred after the shock of the fall, h20 quickly mounted and, true to Team Vitesse form, quickly got a gap on his fellow team mates.
The ride continued without incident but K2 was never seen again that day. It has come to light that his valiant attempts to catch the splintered Vitesse peleton resulted in a coughed up lung.
Lampo Bianco won the day with the strong finishing Senor Merlini leading LB out to the final climb. h20 suffered immensely but managed a credible third. Despite his serious injuries, he defended his downhill sprint jersey with aplomb. The offending fan remains in hospital with a genuine LB signature on his body cast.
Team Vitesse Dictionary
Paliopy: the beautiful awesome beauty of Team Vitesse riders in their "chick magnet" formation replete with coordinated outfits. Similar to panoply except without the special formation.
Loserization: the noun form of the verb "loserize". To be dropped from the "chick magnet" formation due to an uncoordinated outfit.
Team members spend hours coordinating their attire in order to provide a cohesive "look" to the thousands of fans who line the route. Favoured methods of coordination between riders include the telephone, faxing, and the hyper modern email.
There is a lot more to kit coordination than meets the eye. Team Vitesse takes the challenge of dress very seriously. The result is a wonderful panoply of colour that all fans can enjoy.
Let's not forget Johan's edict, "When you look good, you feel good. When you feel good, the sensations are good. When the sensations are good, it is time to go to the pain cave." Of course everyone wants to look good in the pain cave.
Cosmodrome news - Sept 10
h20 suffered a blow out yesterday on his way for a coiffure. It has been posited that the inner tube exploded due to a small burr on the inside of the rim. h20 foolishly left the HL88 tool kit at the Cosmodrome and was stranded. Fortunately PE5GW commandeered a support vehicle to ensure that h20 did not miss his appointment. No injuries resulting from the blow out were reported and at this writing, the offending rim has been sanded with a 3M pad on the advice of Team Vitesse's metallurgist, PE5GW.
Sacrilege or Divine Inspiration
Transfer Season transforms Vitesse
Nepotism in Team Vitesse
Copied but never Duplicated
A case in point is the impossibly light-weight Well Flourishing Ankle Bolstering. If HL88 deigned to unleash the finely engineered Well-FAB on the market, it would most certainly turn the orthotics world on its head. However, it chooses not to because its first priority is supporting Team Vitesse cycling. The Manufactory continues to touch base with individual team members for input in order to fill their needs at any point in time. "Global marketing, as lucrative as it is likely to be, would be like a day without sunshine." spake a Manufactory representative. Let us never forget that Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has committed itself to ensuring that all products it produces are unsurpassed in discomfort.
The Solution to Weak Ankles
Made from the same plywood as the Super Absorbent Rain Cape and weighing an incredibly light 1.2 kilograms, the Well-FAB is meant to fit snugly inside an over sized cycling shoe for maximum protection and shock absorbency. Armed (ankled in this case) with the Well-FAB, K2nees is sure to kick some butt while raising the profile of Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory. HL88 advises wearing the Well-FAB on each ankle for improved balance.
Racing Heated for Vitesse
Lampo Bianco had spent the previous evening ensuring that his brother's stag went smoothly. This included close examination of special parts augmentation under the influence of liquid refreshment and guidance of Johan. With the wind at their backs, h20 provided the perfect leadout for LB who engaged in a low airburst and blew by the complacent and unsuspecting K2. Always up for a challenge, K2's subsequent recovery and infernal pedalling style left his team mates sucking locusts and wind on the next 10% hill.
It was soon obvious that LB's low airburst and alcoholic alchemy had taken its toll. He contented himself with watching wheels as he was pulled across the hot dry plains. Even the youthful legs of K2 suffered under the intense heat and unforgiving wind as he gathered all the King of the Mountain points.
Half hearted attacks lasting 6 or 8 pedal strokes were mounted by h20 whenever he caught up to the peloton. The power could not be sustained but h20's pride made him contest every chance to pad his insurmountable downhill sprint point lead.
The injury report reveals that K2 received a low flying locust strike to the groin area. LB's strange blood chemistry has no known precedence in medical science. h20 has yet to get his heart rate below 170 bpm. Johan would be proud.
Johan the Omniscient Sighted
As the pair snacked on cold left over pizza, a strange figure cycled past in the 29 degree heat. An alacrity with the camera and quick thinking ensured that an image was captured. Clearly a man in a winter coat looking straight into the camera. Could it be that h20 inadvertently caught Johan the Omniscient in one of his many disguises in a rural town of 3,000 inhabitants?
SMEVEC 88 Triumphant in Holland!
Night Train and The Bear are back from their training session for Team Vitesse in Holland having ridden the roads that will be used by the Vuelta. Sadly they were not wearing the lovely green Vitesse jerseys, because they don't have them, but were supported by the team in every other way. They did rides between 30 and 100 k and discovered that riding a dead straight flat road into the wind requires endless re-calibration of the Happy Lucky SMEVEC 88. They also discovered that ice cream is excellent cycling fuel, and that the Dutch have an interesting twist on the game of "chicken" involving two pairs of riders approaching from opposite directions. Yikes, who will pull back??? Such excitement!
The intrepid duo made it from London to Amsterdam, via Gent and Antwerp, bike, train, boat, bike train. The resulting boat-lag required a couple of rest days in Amsterdam with friends, riding to Haarlem and Leiden, and then up to Den Helder. The idea was to island hop from there: Texel, Ameland, Terschelling, and back to the mainland. The SMEVEC 88 indicated that this route is entirely possible. It is possible to get to Texel, but that's it until Tuesday. They rode all around Texel where examples of wondrous Dutch engineering were plainly evident. Total bizarre paving of the seaside was bizarre but apparently necessary. Also sighted were plentiful gorgeous dunes. Once the realization that the SMEVEC 88 had led them down a garden path, they cycled back down the coast of North Holland the next day. There were gorgeous dunes (again) with endless brick cycle paths, and beautiful woods with crushed shell trails. The woods were welcome as it was around 30 degrees and the wind was against them. (No doubt they probably rued their decision to leave the Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking at home. ed).
Rest assured that this Dutch ride was monitored by Johan the Omniscient in that creepy way he has.
My Asthma has Restorative Properties
The usual pungent odor is somehow charming and reassuring. A potpourri from a garbage truck parking lot, an animal feed plant next door to an abattoir mixed with a dash of oil refinery burn off is a curious wonder. Perhaps the sinuses can been scorched to the point where any smell is welcome. A feeling of general well being can be expected to descend on such a ride due in large part to warm weather, minimal wind, the ripe atmospheric conditions and plentiful insects for swallowing.
Please note that all miasmas and any resulting feeling of well being are licensed property of Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory and can only be accessed by tapping out an infernal rhythm.
Subtleties in Leadout Acronyms
Security Concerns Plague Cosmodrome
h20, the highest ranking official at the Western Cosmodrome, immediately began the interview process for a larger dog. In conjunction with an increased animal security, 24 hour surveillance will be provided by Happy Lucky 88's state of the art equiment currently being tested by the Pope.
Vitesseland - Geography, Culture, Lifestyle
This small semi-mountainous area in the Northern Hemisphere takes its name from the French word for speed. Many of its picturesque roads are paved thanks to the benevolence of Johan the Omniscient. Under his tutelage, great cyclists are molded and formed in a pure cycling culture. With an increasing population of coffee drinkers, Vitesseland has become a vibrant land of peaks and valleys. Its mostly temperate climate encourages a fast easy going lifestyle. For more information visit Vitesseland.com.
Team Ride ends in Acronyms
The wind played a factor in the team maneuvers. Against Johan's orders, both riders decided to leave their Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking at HQ.
As the team turned into the teeth of the wind, h20 launched one of his patented HDs (heavy drop). This delivery of heavy effort left LB dazed and confused. Regaining his composure, LB's HA (high airburst), caught h20 completely off guard. No one expects a burst of nuclear weapon size damage barely 10 minutes into a ride. Needless to say there were no gauntlets left to be thrown after the intense early action. From that point on both LB and h20 carefully monitored each other and the terrain for a SAFE (selected area for evasion).
Johan the Omniscient ordered a HALO (high altitude low-opening parachute technique used by the military to deliver equipment and supplies from airlift aircraft flying above the threat umbrella). A small HALO team made up of podium girls transferred the Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking to LB and h20.
Having agreed to call the hostilities a stalemate, the riders returned to TAMCO (theatre army movement control centre) also called the team Winnibago, for hot chocolate.
Storm buffets K2nees
I ventured out during the brief sunny period this past evening hoping to refine my skills and avoid any further nature break escapes. Under sunny optimistic skies I set out for the now fabled "tour de dump". After weeks of training, I tapped out an infernal rhythm for myself according to the on board SMEVEC 88T.
As I headed out of town the skies grew darker punctuated by lightening flashes. Well shy of the half way turn around point, the first rain drops were felt through my plycra and the decision was made to abort the launch. Shortly thereafter the heavens unleashed their fury and hail-like drops of rain lashed the route. I quickly installed the Super Absorbent Rain Cape as instructed by Johan over race radio. My infernal tapping then led me back into the moving weather cell. As the absorption coefficient of my HL88 plywood products reached their highest saturation levels, I knew that the time had come to go hard. I time trialed my way back into the city using all the technology Happy Lucky 88 had to offer. The sun broke through leaving me to contemplate important questions like "Is titanium a lightning conductor (answer: probably)" and "Do these soaked Sidi shoes make my butt look fat? (answer: probably)".
After the one hour ride from hell a lesson had been learned. "if it looks like rain stay home on the couch and let the titanium bicycles glow in the corner." I beleive it was a good measure of my increasing fitness for cyclo-cross season and an excellent test of HL88 products.
One lingering question remains..."Does Team Vitesse have a team meteorologist or at the very least a team metallurgist?"
Editor's note: Indeed Team Vitesse does have a metallugist. It is PE5GW who doubles as team ornithologist.
Attack on Nature - A Rebuttal
H2O, overripe veteran and sneaky weasel, wisely waited for a K2nees nature break to attack. K2nees was reported as saying, in the heat of his drainage operation,”I just lead him out for the downhill sprint points and pulled him through the wind, why, why would he do that, I thought we were teammates”. Apparently they are the team mates of the Armstrong / Contador variety.
Following H20’s initial attack, K2nees slowly finished his business and tried to catch back on the slight rise, however the next downhill greatly benefited H20’s gravity assisted riding style. After coming to within 10 bike lengths K2nees was again put on the defensive by another highly suspect maneuver. Darting in front of some vehicular traffic K2nees was forced to wait and watch helplessly while H20's gap grew again. After resuming the chase it wasn’t long before K2nees was in h20's ample slip stream (for the first time that ride). After catching back on negotiating a hill, K2nees was ready to put in another attack but seeing the pain the eyes of his team mate after his short escape he dutifully pulled H20 back to the Team Vitesse support vehicle while offering words of support to his gassed team mate.
In honour of his yellow bellied action Team Vitesse will be awarding H2O a new piece of clothing to go with his downhill sprint jersey, the “brown bib shorts of disgust”, for most annoying rider. Unlike the other jerseys awarded on the podium, readers wishing to watch this clothing presentation are asked to meet the janitor behind the porta-potties.
Pro Peloton Tactics
The peloton has long agreed that attacking during a nature break is unsportsmanlike and rude. Never one to shy away from controversy, h20 did just that while K2 stopped to adjust his fluid levels. h20 immediately got a gap and went into time trial mode on one of his patented downhill sprints. K2 barely had time to adjust his package when he was forced into serious pursuit. h20's impeccable timing allowed him to extend his monstrous attack. He was able to turn west before some vehicular traffic which delayed the now desperate K2nees.
h20, not wanting to break his young teammate's spirit, eased up to allow K2 back on his wheel.
A couple of valuable lessons were learned. Never stop for a nature break and never trust a teammate.
More Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory research into stem length is required. Remember to keep all packaging in case the items need to be returned.
The Pain Cave
The origin of the Pain Cave can be traced back to Australopithicus, that monkey-man you sometimes see at the mall. Historians guess with uncertainty that Australopithicus probably spent most of his or her days in the Pain Cave.
Fast forward to the modern era and we find that cyclists visit the Pain Cave regularly; often after extreme effort on difficult mountain stages. We can surmise from this example of Jan's anguished face and fetching headgear that he has entered the World of Hurt and is looking for the entrance to the Pain Cave.
It is generally agreed that no one spent more time in the Pain Cave both on and off the bike than Marco Pantani. He finally escaped on February 14, 2004.
Team Vitesse drops in to the Pain Cave regularly just to get in touch with their inner cramps, cricks, distress, stabbing soreness, torment, torture and throbbing. Short visits are highly recommended by Johan and Ignats Konovalovas, a giant among cyclists, who got paid a pile of money to say, "When you want more pain you are good".
Peloton Jersey Insight
Johan is quoted, "for some reason he defends the KODS jersey and its honour with pride and terminal velocity at every downhill opportunity."
Race Radio Metaphors
"Our bike handling skills will improve as we try to dodge the erratically flying plywood".
"Pain is good...Pain means you are good...Come on more pain...and the splinters will only cause more pain".
"When you hurt like a dog from injuries sustained from airborne chunks of plywood, you want to go and do it again the next day".
Johan probably put it best, "It is very good for cycling. It will separate the Lances from the mere Albertos".
HL88 Derny Endurance
Reflections on the tour
LB recovered from his illness and finished first on top of Mt. Ventoux the day after the actual TdF stage. Team management still consider this a great success. LB mentioned that he had no trouble with the rental car on the way up.
We still await a report from K2nees whose rest day in Holland seems to have stretched into a 2 week vacation. Reportedly he has been studying reasons for Rabobank's stunning success at the tour. Their one stage win and highest placed rider in 78th is an inspiration to all professional teams.
Still recovering from knee trauma (probably for the rest of his cycling career), h20 launched on a training ride in the 28 degrees of Alberta. Upon conclusion of the 388 km training run, the heart rate monitor (part of the SMEVEC 88T) showed an average of 147. h20's usual average for a ride in 138. This stunning and amazing increase in speed, power output and heart rate can easily be accounted for by fact that h20 usually rides with team members who obviously slow him down.
Team Vitesse did not hear much from Johan during the last 3 weeks. No doubt his subtle negotiation tactics and sensitive counselling skills were employed in inflaming the Alberto-Lance soap opera.
Culinary tips from Boot Camp
Obviously someone had enough time and butter on their hands to build a gigantic figurative sculpture of some important American historical figure. Think of the number of straight ended croissants that could have been made for the peloton flying through rural France using that same rancid butter.
Vitesse Riders - a Summer of Phun
HL88 has quietly unveiled its Flagship calculator. A recall of the original number cruncher on the SMEVEC 88T necessitated the development of this lightning fast machine.Team members will return to the peloton in time for the Stage 20 up Mount Ventoux with croissants for the team and a few training miles in their legs.