Race Radio Metaphors

The following are potential audio interceptions from Team Vitesse race radio. These metaphors will be used to indicate an attack or launch from the peloton. Lampo Bianco or LB discovered that lb stands for pound which could be a nickname for the nickname. Metaphors based on Team Vitesse nicknames were then discussed and memorized...
LB: To avoid competitors overhearing our radio strategies while next to us in the peleton. " When they hear " I'm gonna POUND that sugar with my half kilo stick" they will think we are discussing recipes or boasting about our evening "ride". Instead we are about to put the hurt on their unsuspecting ass.
h20: Your stick pounding metaphor is disturbing but somehow apt. You might also use “ an OUNCE of pain is worth a bird in the bush infested with laughing jackals.” or “Jack Sprat could eat all the POUNDAGE required by the Canada food guide.” then you attack…
When referring to an attack by myself personally, I shall use the phrase, “The infidels will drown in a sea of effluent of my choosing.” or “I shall wring the dew out of my rag immediately.” Then and only then will I launch a ferocious, stinging and unyielding attack.

EFOC Review

The professional peloton has weighed in on the EFOC, the derny trainer now available from Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory. Most riders are in agreement that the electric scooter and plywood drafting mechanism will change the face of racing and the faces of racers. Some recent quotes:
"Our bike handling skills will improve as we try to dodge the erratically flying plywood".
"Pain is good...Pain means you are good...Come on more pain...and the splinters will only cause more pain".
"When you hurt like a dog from injuries sustained from airborne chunks of plywood, you want to go and do it again the next day".
Johan probably put it best, "It is very good for cycling. It will separate the Lances from the mere Albertos".


HL88 Derny Endurance

Now that the Tour is over, Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has begun to analyze the mounds of data generated by the SMEVEC 88T and specifically how power output and efficiencies were affected by the Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking. At this point in time, initial findings have found that riders require reintegration to reverse relegation.
Johan has returned to Team Vitesse after his sabotage efforts on Astana and his number 1 priority is to build endurance in Vitesse riders. "88 kilometers is not enough at maximum effort" decried Johan over drinks at the Casino Royale in Monaco. "We need our riders to exert maximum effort for 288 kilometers. They need more derny training!"Immediately, Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory set to work developing a modern eco-friendly derny system for exclusive use by Team Vitesse. Johan is reportedly pleased but wonders if the scooter's top speed of 17 kilometers per hour is sufficient for training purposes. He acquiesced when reminded that scooter drivers can avoid the requirements of a driver's license when a scooter's maximum speed is less than 32 kmph. HL 88 is proud of the fact that the electric scooter can go as far as 18 kilometers on a single charge! Obviously the riders are also pleased with that fact. The Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory derny bike has received special nomenclature in honour of its sleek lines and thoughtful design. When ordering please refer to it as "Eco Friendly Obstruction Containment" or EFOC.


Reflections on the tour

Now that the tour is in the record books, Team Vitesse can sit back and sink into cycling reverie. Overall the team did not figure in any of the stages. The oft maligned team Winnebago did manage to clog roads in rural France to the point where President Szakozy fainted.
LB recovered from his illness and finished first on top of Mt. Ventoux the day after the actual TdF stage. Team management still consider this a great success. LB mentioned that he had no trouble with the rental car on the way up.
We still await a report from K2nees whose rest day in Holland seems to have stretched into a 2 week vacation. Reportedly he has been studying reasons for Rabobank's stunning success at the tour. Their one stage win and highest placed rider in 78th is an inspiration to all professional teams.
Still recovering from knee trauma (probably for the rest of his cycling career), h20 launched on a training ride in the 28 degrees of Alberta. Upon conclusion of the 388 km training run, the heart rate monitor (part of the SMEVEC 88T) showed an average of 147. h20's usual average for a ride in 138. This stunning and amazing increase in speed, power output and heart rate can easily be accounted for by fact that h20 usually rides with team members who obviously slow him down.
Team Vitesse did not hear much from Johan during the last 3 weeks. No doubt his subtle negotiation tactics and sensitive counselling skills were employed in inflaming the Alberto-Lance soap opera.


Vitesse leaders

To this point in time, Team Vitesse has not shown its cards in the TdF probably because Johan is busy managing another team. K2nees continues to maintain radio silence which likely means he is planning a sneak attack up the Col de la Columbiere. Lampo Bianco is on the mend from Croissant boot camp nursing a stomach ailment caused by over consumption of pastries. H20 has been installing gyprock while teaching a new dog new tricks. Equipment on the Monkey has been updated and pimped with Chris King disc hubs in a pink hue.


Culinary tips from Boot Camp

During a recent conversation, LB quoted from his forth coming book, Croissant - Crucible of Change. "If the ends of the croissant touch, the croissant was made with shortening. If the ends are straight, the croissant was made with butter." Presumably a croissant with a slight bend used a mixture of shortening and butter. This issue is dealt with in Chapter 8 of his definitive missive.

Obviously someone had enough time and butter on their hands to build a gigantic figurative sculpture of some important American historical figure. Think of the number of straight ended croissants that could have been made for the peloton flying through rural France using that same rancid butter.


Vitesse Riders - a Summer of Phun

Team Vitesse riders involved in the Tour de France used the rest day to engage in relaxing activities. Lampo Bianco spent the day in a pastry boot camp learning calculus and derivative equations to produce croissants for the peloton. Meanwhile K2nees travelled to the Netherlands to attend his brother's wedding. Details are sketchy but he is planning a training ride across the hilly area of Holland. h20 used his day off to catch up on the financial affairs of Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory.

HL88 has quietly unveiled its Flagship calculator. A recall of the original number cruncher on the SMEVEC 88T necessitated the development of this lightning fast machine.Team members will return to the peloton in time for the Stage 20 up Mount Ventoux with croissants for the team and a few training miles in their legs.


Monkey gets Phat Phenders

The old Surly karate monkey, a stalwart of cycling weaponry, has received a new lease on life. Having already been tamed for street use with Big Apple tyres, phenders have now been installed. This move further insinuates the monkey into the "mean street" mentality. K2nees created the gently curving wooden phenders by wearing hoops of precious endangered woods around his waist under his clothing for weeks at a time. By some strange twist of fate, the phenders match the rojo red monkey frame colour.
Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has issued a press release congratulating K2nees for his ingenuity but stresses that such initiatives without plywood are prohibited without the express written consent of HL88.


Peloton Injury Update

The world's favorite cycling celebrity, Lampo Bianco of the Canadian pro team Vitesse, also known as the best sportsman in sport ever, the world's best at everything cyclist, the granddaddy dude guy of the peloton, the fastest shifter of gears, the most intense drinker of water bottles, and most modest of sprinters, has an INJURY. A twanging right hamstring will keep him out of the action in coming days.
He has been whining and moaning over race radio to such an extend as to drive his team to a roadside meeting during today's stage. Needless to say, Johan is ballistic, more ballistic than usual. UCI officials and race organizers have ruled to allow LB to sit out two stages of the TdF and rejoin without penalty to his GC standing in the hopes that the "only reason for the race to exist(LB) will be able to continue without discomfort.


Happy Lucky 88's Corporate HQ

A recent road trip included a visit to the corporate headquarters of Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory. The dramatic sky is reflected in the side of building next to HL88's HQ. HL88 management were not available for a tour of their spacious Sea container/cardboard cubicle offices. Sadly no visual documentation is available at this point in time.

Vitesse detests

I think I speak for the staff, management and riders of Team Vitesse in congratulating cyclingnews.com in updating their website. They have successfully made it one of the worst websites on the intertubular web. By increasing the time to load a page by 100 times and requiring the reader to return to the hour long load of the main page for any navigation, cyclingnews.com has ensured that Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory will never advertise on that site.


Inflated head at TdF

Team Vitesse has photographic proof that a Calf's head gets bigger with each win. His areodynamic ability will suffer to the point that the Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking will be his only recourse to remain in green.


Team Vitesse Lexicon Update

New developments: during the folding of laundry last night, Hat Model handed LB a pair of his bib shorts. She frequently refers to the kits as ballet outfits, or leotards, or the like. Not very manly or becoming. Last night as she handed them to LB she said, "here's a pair of your cycle-tards". Lampo had enough and patiently explained in a loud voice that they are bib shorts or a kit or some such but not these demeaning terms she was using. After some consideration, she has fixed her sights on using cycle-tards as the new term.
Strangely enough, Johan had already officially approved the use of CYCLE-TARDS by Team Vitesse during the 1988 TdF. Johan is and always has been stretching the seams.