Team enters Gaul

Team Vitesse has finally entered Roman ruled Gaul. Pictured above is a section of Roman cobbles the riders are negotiating with aplomb. Their tired legs have carried them northward away from the Italian city states of Siena and Florence. Fueled by 88 bars, the EPO drink and its masking agent DOPE, and whatever they find along the road, the Team strives for the start line in Compiegne on April 12. They ride for pride and with dedication; pride in Team Vitesse and dedication to Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory. They continue to believe strongly in the quality and innovation of Happy Lucky 88 and are confident in the advantage its products will provide at race time. If there is a shred of doubt in the minds of our brave comrades it is whether Johan has paid the entry fees to race. Their first problem is arriving safe and healthy at the start line. Unfortunately Johan was not available for comment having had a late night at Casino Royale.


88 Songs of Team Vitesse - Volume 2

Overwhelming demand has spurred the pre-release of Volume 2 of the 88 Motivational Songs of Team Vitesse. Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has pressed a limited edition vinyl collection which includes Wayne Newton's live version of "Climb every Mountain", that wonderfully saccharine classic from the Sound of Music. Back by popular demand are 18 different versions of the "The Cheese Song" sung by a variety of expired artists including a rare recording by 2PAC. Listen and groove to the same music that haunts our Team members as they risk their ever loving lives cycling through the Ottoman Empire! Quantities are excessive so act now!


Inspirational Music from Team Vitesse

There has been moderate interest from one of our readers into the state of mind of the brave Team Vitesse cyclists. We are assured that their spirits are relatively high thanks to a wonderful selection of merry moving music available on a Walkman shared amongst the team. When batteries are available, a rider can listen to such inspirational tunes as:

  • The theme from "Jaws"
  • "Up up and away" by the 5th Dimension
  • "The Cheese Song"
  • "99 bottles of Beer on the Wall" as sung by the Welsh Minors Chorus
  • "Skinnimarinky Dinky Do" by Sharon, Lois & Bram
  • the vocal stylings of Perry Como crooning the entire Engelbert Humperdink songbook
  • "Do you know the way to San Jose" as performed by SeaLion

Now you too can enjoy this timeless motivational music during your training rides or anytime you need a pick-me-up. Contact cycling cosmonaut to receive your cassette or 8 track tape of "The Songs of the 2009 Vitesse Campaign". Remember that all selections in this collection were approved by Johan so they have to be GOOD.


Sponsorship deals imminent

Team Vitesse has been wending its way through the Austro-Hungarian empire towards the start line in Paris on April 12. Kitted out in their distinctive Plycra jerseys, they act as ambassadors for cycling as a whole and for the plethora of products produced by Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory. Team members have been approached by various toothless peasant entrepreneurs with sponsorship ideas. Details are still being worked out with:

  • AAA Aardvark Goat-on-a-Stick
  • Humus Depot and Badger Meat Emporium
  • Emir's Rent-a-Wrecked Donkey Cart

Johan remarked, "it is about time that this training ride started paying for itself."


Team Vitesse Dispatch - rider's log day 126

Apologies for the intermittent progress reports but the team has had to resort to eating the last of our messenger pigeons. This desperate act fed us for a day despite our need for training instructions from Johan in his Lake Como villa. For guidance we will ask ourselves, “WWJD” or “What Would Johan Do” from this point in time forward. After our harrowing escape from the pirates on the Happy Lucky 88 freighter we have steadily been pedaling our way from Constantinople towards our final goal in Gaul for the start of Paris-Roubaix.

Our SMEVEC 88T GPS and globe upgrade indicate that we are somewhere between Yugoslavia and the Roman Empire. We have been on our toes lately to avoid confrontations with Cossacks and Red Army factions who can prove to be rowdy adversaries according to our SMEVEC 88T companion travel guide.

This ordeal has brought us together as a team. Nothing promotes teamwork like spreading freshly rendered mink grease on the saddle sores of fellow riders. Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory organized an air drop of their newest energy supplements (E.P.O., and D.O.P.E.) as well as some a case of 88 bars which was promptly stolen by local toothless women.

Little incidents like this have been common on our trip. Locals do not seem to know how to react as we ride by on our erector bikes with the attached Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking faring. They probably haven’t seen a professional cycling team in these parts since the LADA team of the early 1950’s. Their idea of elegant transportation is a freshly cleaned donkey pulling a cart equipped with rubber tyres. The team has yet to win any sprint points when competing with particularly crazy and toothless farmers who imagine themselves as Charlton Heston in Ben Hur's chariot race scene.

It is time to stoke the fire, ensuring the bikes and the plywood Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking faring will not be harmed by licking flames or errant sparks. After a mutual application of mink grease we will fall asleep dreaming of a Paris-Roubaix start and the chance to ride on the smooth cobbled roads of northern France.

Mucho apprecianto to K2nees, our intrepid reporter, for this report


Raising the Bar for Energy

Happy Lucky 88 is following the success of its stimulating energy drinks, EPO and DOPE, with a specially formulated bar of energy. Called the "Powerful Bar of Power Potency" or "88 bar", the improvement in cycling performance will be evident from the first scrumptious chew. Using similar industrial enhancement formulas proven successful in EPO, the 88 bar promises to boost cadence 0.034% and give any cycling short's chamois something to think about. Weighing less than 1.5 kilograms, the 88 bar fits comfortably in three back pockets of any jersey. The freshness wrap is eminently biodegradable with an estimated half life of 4,000 years. Approved by the Federation of Food Additives, the 88 bar means the user's recovery capabilities are incrementally improved. Scurrilous reports that heavy metals have been detected in 88 bars are completely true. Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory feels that these heavy metals will give cyclists an edge. The 88 bar's mouth-watering flavourful flavours include Turgid Brown River and Dull Grey Cloud of Uncertainty.


Dispatch: Travels of Team Vitesse

A recent dispatch from those intrepid members of Team Vitesse on their training ride from hell was received recently. It seems that since seeing two of the seven Wonders of the World, they find themselves trying to secure a water pump for the Winnebago. The Winnebago houses the heart and soul centre of Team Vitesse. The markets and bazaars of the Ottoman Empire have the reputation of having everything but apparently no water pump. The team's cycling equipment has performed marvellously on the gravel roads and goat paths of the Caucasus foothills. "There is no better training for Paris Roubaix than riding a road bike on rocky sheep paths" Johan is quoted as saying. The team remains hopeful of gaining safe passage across the windswept steppes under the watchful eye of a perfidious Mongol horde. Join me in wishing them godspeed.


EPO & DOPE - User's testimonials

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory's performance enhancement products have only been available for a week but already the unsolicited testimonials are coming in...

Tom Simpson (1937-1967) remarked, "this stuff is to die for!"
K2nees says "Exhalted Perfomance Output with a Deluge of Potent Energy chaser gives me special magic invisibility powers".
Johan has nothing but praise for the new chemical concoctions of Happy Lucky 88 exclaiming, "the Exhalted Performance Output works wonders. Just ask Tiffany..I think that was her name".
Lampo Bianco expounded, "I love what Deluge of Potent Energy does for my skin. It has become so soft and hairless".
With these exceptional endorsements, members of Team Vitesse stand to reap the monetary AND performance rewards of EPO and its companion drink DOPE.


Deluge of Potent Energy -- DOPE

Hot on the heels of Happy Lucky 88's exciting announcement of Exhalted Performance Output comes DOPE or Deluge of Potent Energy. If you are concerned that a positive Cockle Test might result from the use of EPO then worry no more! Deluge of Potent Energy drink is an incredibly versatile sports drink with magic properties. It neutralizes the harmful effects of EPO with each swallow. For example, imagine a cyclist has chugged EPO to guarantee a win, but worries about the mandatory testing awaiting him at the conclusion of the stage. By simply sipping DOPE during the last kilometers, any vestiges of EPO are camouflaged by the benign essence of vanilla and lutienized cheetah chips. Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has proven that DOPE will baffle some experts all of the time. DOPE is not only a strong diuretic but actually removes wallpaper with ease and is used in some countries as drilling fluid.

Ask for DOPE, the antidote to EPO.