Finally - Winter is here

Finally winter has officially arrived. Who cares about the Mayan end of the world prediction or the date of the winter solstice. Here in central Alberta, the effective temperature is minus 28 degrees C.  Now we are talking about a challenge when riding a bike.
Friction:  as the temperature drops the grease and oil on the bike works less effectively.  Rolling resistance is the biggest drag on forward motion. On the positive side pedaling harder keeps the cyclist warm.
Windchill:  moving forward on a bike creates its own windchill.  Couple that with a headwind and the additional windchill helps exposed flesh freeze quickly. Fortunately pedaling harder keeps the cyclist warm.
Mind over matter:  the joy of cycling may be diminished by cold temperatures, one must train the mind to overcome the lure of warm bodies in bed and get out there with the 10 layers and commute to work. Think of the benefits that mental toughness can bring. It will be easier to deal with the self pity as the frozen dead skin peels off your face while pedaling harder to stay warm.  
COLD ARM:  probably the most vicious of all winter hazards, combating Cold Arm requires special equipment and planning. Remember, no one wants or needs Cold Arm.


HL 88 to sign Armstrong for 2013

Rumours run rampant as the repercussions from the Lance Armstrong non-doping scandal continue. The possibility that Lance may be required to pay back $12M in bonuses, $3M in Tour de France purses and return all 7 of the stuffed lions is real.  Sources close to Johan say that representatives of Armstrong have made overtures to Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory, title sponsor of Team Vitesse, to secure a berth on the 2013 roster.  HL 88 wishes to clarify that it has had preliminary discussions with the Armstrong entourage and that Stretch is very interested in spreading himself for the good of Team Vitesse. 

Lawyer tests Stretch Armstrong's resilience


Farewell to Fondo - Hello to Sweatpants

T minus 24 hours: jocularity reigns

Two thirds of Team Vitesse (sponsored by Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory) was shepherded up the highway from Vancouver to Whistler on September 8, 2012 along with 6000 other participants.  Months of preparation, choosing the appropriate kit, purchasing carbon wheels, practicing Heavy Drop, and studying nutrition paid off with the team members finishing 2200 and 2201 in the field of 6000+.

0700: Race Faces firmly in place

Team Vitesse followed Johan's instructions to the letter and hung back from the pointy end of the peleton maintaining a mid-pack attitude. One Heavy Drop sequence netted a top speed of 79.8 kmph. h2o was unprepared for the uphill slog.

foto by Lampo Bianco. h2o was incapable of handling camera during ride.

The dynamic Vitesse duo stayed together on the 122 kms riding no hands most of the way.

h2o bonked at 75 kms having forgotten his cooked yams at the hotel.  With no HL88 support vehicle within 1000 miles of the ride, h2o was forced to eat lance approved sugar coated EPO snacks. This strategy gave him the strength he needed to cross the line together with Lampo Bianco in 5 hours.

Posing for fotos after the ride, Lampo was gracious in his contempt for Barry Hamlin's race strategy. "Staying mid-pack ensured that we would finish mid-pack. However, we managed to finish at the bottom of the top third in the field!" h2o was relieved to arrive and went immediately to the coleslaw booth for sustenance.


Long time no post

I can't believe that 2 months have passed since I last blessed the internet with some inane posting.  It has been a busy couple of months what with swimming the English channel, running the Boston marathon twice (because I left my wallet at the start), and riding the Whistler Gran Fondo.

LB signs in.

h2o considers copyright violation proceedings

I was joined on the Fondo by Lampo Bianco of the Western Oceanographic Research Cosmodrome. I was surprised to find that there is a bit of an elevation difference from Vancouver to Whistler. Lampo was good enough to wait for me on all the uphills although I did pace him to the foot of the timed uphill sprint. It was a hot day in the saddle. I bonked about half way there but after filling myself with Lance approved all natural sugar snacks and go juice, I pulled myself together to finish strongly in the top third of the field of 6,000.

Next year the goal is the Axel Merckx Fondo and riding a century (160 kms) around the Penticton area. The Gran Fondo is as close as humans can get to riding a bicycle on the sun. Bring it on.


Training Rides - Observations

Here is a short list of items seen along the highways and roads while training:
1.  Infinite number of bungee cords
2.  Infinite number of empty beer cans
3.  More than 5 abandoned couches
4.  2 toilets
5.  3 refrigerators
6.  1 bra
7.  1 dildo and pump thing
8.  1 full box of nicorette patches
9.  1 truck gas tank including gas spill
10. 1 Spare truck tyre on rim


Team Reeling after TdF

Now that the tour is over, Team Vitesse can return to regular training. An independent analysis of Barry Hamlin's handling of the management is revealing. It appears that Mr. Hamlin did not receive Johan's message that he was at the helm. As a result Team Vitesse squandered many chances to "get in the mix" and "stir the pot".  In fact no member of Team Vitesse actually made it to any stage start.  It seemed the team was working from the 2005 stage calendar. 

However, h2o was able to get in some wonderful riding on gravel roads, honing his skills for a rural unpaved stage race someday in the future.  


Team Vitesse Management ACTION Figures!

In answer to overwhelming demand, Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has created incredibly life-like action figures of Barry Hamlin and Johan. Order yours today!
Stay tuned for future announcements about Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory Employee Action Figures!


Team Vitesse Action Figures

Hey Kids! Action figures of all you favourite stars of Team Vitesse are now available from Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory! Collect one or collect them all and become the envy of your friends and other people. These action figures are molded from hard to get plastic resources too numerous to mention. Perfect for race visualization while listening to live updates on your wireless! Coming soon! Johan and Barry Hamlin action figures in 3D.


Ask the Pros - a new Feature

A new irregular feature is hereby launched on the cycling cosmonaut blog. Entitled "Ask the Pros", frequently asked questions will be fielded by Team Vitesse professionals. Today's "Ask the Pros" is the simmering issue: HOW DOES THE PRO PELETON DEAL WITH NASAL EXPECTORATION?. We went to Lampo Bianco for his groggy response, "What is nasal expectoration?" Nasal Expectoration is known indelicately among certain members of the cylcing community as the launch of SNOT ROCKETS. Lampo is of at least 2 minds on snot rockets during racing. No one can deny the powerful tactical advantage a rider has being a prodigious snot rocket launcher. Johan is an advocate of a combination of Heavy Drop and nasal expectoration in any sprint finish. Those behind the expectorator must maneuver through a virtual mine field of compromised road surfaces. Advantage - Expectorator. Lampo has also been the recipient of direct hits to the ankle from errant snot rockets. He confessed that these horrors are the main reason he shaves his legs. Courtesy dictates that a rider pull out of the peleton or drop off the back to clear his passages. However, in the rarefied tactical positioning of the professional peleton, this nasal weapon cannot be ignored or underestimated. Barry Hamlin put it best stating, "When you ride with or against Team Vitesse, you must be prepared for everything!"


Johan's Duress

the embattled Johan continues to deflects USADA (United States Anti-Doofus Agency)allegations over the use of performance enhancing doofuses (doofi). Barry Hamlin will step in as interim director sportif for Team Vitesse. In the early part of his career, Mr. Hamlin became known for his successful management of a Burger Baron outlet in rural Montana. He will apply his considerable french fry knowledge to the Tour de France. "They eat fries don't they?" exclaimed the venerable industrial designer. Johan sees his absence from the cycling limelight as a temporary setback for the team. Lampo Bianco is quoted as bawling "I still believe in Johan!". Dr. K2 sounded vexed when he said, "What Will Johan Do?". h2o was more sanguine about the situation describing it as merely "a tempest in a haystack" and "an elephant under the rug".


Johan Calls Special Practice

In preparation for the certain wild card invitation to the Tour de France, Team Vitesse will concentrate specifically on mountain top finishes. Simulations are set to run in which each rider will approach a virtual finish line. During the last 10 meters, the rider will practice zipping up his jersey for maximum sponsor advertising exposure. If you remember last year at the Tour, Lampo Bianco crossed the line at Verbier with his jersey flapping in the breeze. Officials at Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory were displeased at this missed advertising opportunity as Lampo crossed the line 169th on the day. Johan will address this situation from the comfort of his Lake Como home. He will record special instructions on cassette tape to be played by Team Vitesse on their Walkmans.


h2o Suffers Mechanical

Yesterday's 300 kilometer training ride proved quite eventful for h2o. During a particularly daring maneuver, h2o's front derailleur went pear shaped both literally and figuratively. h2o was drafting behind an 18 wheeler transport uphill on an overpass trying to beat the traffic light. During high load Heavy Drop cycle stresses, the front derailleur did not respond to his request. He ended up sprinting for glory in a 36/11 configuration which can safely be called the Lame Drop. Upon reflection, h2o has made the suggestion that PE5GW follow these epic training rides in a support vehicle and be able to provide either a replacement bike OR mechanical support while moving. It is obvious that the driver of the support car should be able to drive the car and lean out of the window to adjust or even replace a front derailleur. This is exactly What Johan Would Do if he wasn't tied up babysitting the Schleck sisters.


The DigitalJer Challenge

Feedback is encouraged at cycling cosmonaut. It seems that one devoted reader wishes to challenge the expertise and intellect of Mr. Barry Hamlin. DigitalJer proposes: Terminal velocity can be solved for in the cycling equation above by setting power at 0. If one assumes the rolling resistance term is also 0, and that there is no wind blowing (v = s), then the equation becomes: kaAs3 = -giMs or s = (-giM/kaA)1/2 Thus, the terminal velocity is roughly proportional to the square root of the ratio of M/A. Scaling reveals that larger cyclists have a greater ratio of mass to frontal area. They therefore descend hills faster as a consequence of purely physical, not physiological, laws. Since the larger cyclist has a greater mass, gravity acts on him or her with a greater force than it does on a smaller cyclist. We thank DigitalJer for his audacity by questioning Barry Hamlin's scientific logic. However, Barry Hamlin is known as "Pope Barry of Cycling" and as such is infallible. DigitalJer should now expect the Spanish Inquisition.


Lampo Pre-TdF preparations

Lampo Bianco has hit upon a radical but extremely effective method to get down to racing weight. With the Tour de France looming, Lampo found himself a few tens of kilos over his preferred racing weight. Somehow, he picked up a particularly virulent 31.4 hour virus. Whether it was from a toilet seat or air borne, experts are baffled by the puzzle of its origin. The virus's effectiveness cannot be denied. In the space of 24 hours, Lampo Bianco purged all excess liquids, dropping his weight precipitously and giving a workout to the sewage system of his local municipality. Bravo and chapeau LB! You are an inspiration to us all.


The Pros and Cons of Weight Loss

The struggle against weight loss is universal to cyclists the world over. In order to ride efficiently and effectively, one should have minimal body fat and maintain a diminutive stature, preferably less than 1.57 meters. Speaking from experience as a formidable bike rider at 1.95 meters, weight definitely has advantages. Plunging down any hillock, tolt, hilligen, sinuous mountain track, coulee, downward facing switchback, or sloping driveway allows gravity to work its magic on the bigger rider. Often I find myself reaching subsonic speeds causing facial disfigurement.
Going downhill with extra weight means passing smaller cyclists with ease and getting a gap effortlessly. It means testing your equipment at its most extreme limits and testing your nerve on that acute edge of control. Weight loss takes away the advantage of gravity and that loss should be a consideration when denying oneself that extra gallon of ice cream or six pack of high alcohol beer in the name of svelteness. Being lighter can mean that a person can climb the same vertical geographic features with aplomb, alacrity and acuity. It can also mean the difference between coughing up a lung/passing out or briskly pedaling away from the competition at the top. A cyclist must ask her or himself how much of a white knuckle thrill of the downhill hurtle can be sacrificed for a more manageable sortie up a mountain pass. Based on Barry Hamlin's calculations (which have been verified by Johan), for every kilo shed by a cyclist, he/she gives up 10 kmph on the downhill. For that same kilogram the cyclist only gains 9 kmph going up the same hill. This debate is likely to rage for the next 15 minutes.


You know it's windy when...

You know it is windy when: 1. Pedaling required down a 6% grade just to maintain forward momentum. 2. Skin tight spandex flaps in the wind. 3. Being passed by a loser on a recumbent. 4. Strange white crustiness develops around the mouth. 5. Sun burn superseded by wind burn on face. 6. Ambient temperature is plus 20 but feels like plus 5 degrees C. 7. You plead with the devil to instantly become 1 foot shorter and 100 lbs lighter. 8. You ride in echelon formation (shown below)


Throwing down the gauntlet

Yesterday, Johan threw down a gauntlet and demanded that Team Vitesse riders get off the couch and train since the Giro starts on Saturday. Immediately excuses began to fly. Dr. K2 pleaded that he had to learn his children's names again and could not go. Lampo Bianco assured Johan that he has been training regularly but there is no way to confirm that. h2o suited up after his green eggs and ham dinner, pumped up the tyres and grabbed some gloves because it seemed cold and threatening. Realizing that the climatic conditions compromised his hand warmth, h2o attempted to put on his gloves. The 2 right handed black neoprene gloves did the trick and kept his hands warm. Unfortunately he could not bend his left hand against the neoprene form fit. h2o claims that the glove discomfort reduced his average speed by at least 5 kmph.


Cosmodromatic Makeover

Barry Hamlin has taken it upon himself to source some regal gangstah interior design for the 3 cosmodromes scattered across the dominion of Canada. As self appointed arbiter of good taste, Barry Hamlin has made the decision to divert some of the proceeds from Johan's admirable gambling habit to "sprucing up" the WORC or Western Oceanographic Research Cosmodrome.
This stylish table lamp actually turns on/off with the trigger of the operational handgun. Shooting out light bulbs is something that Lampo Bianco enjoyed during his productive misspent youth. Actually shooting light bulbs (as this lamp is capable of) may take some getting used to. Lampo lit up when commenting, "This is more powerful than a nerf gun!"
Meanwhile, the Eastern Cosmodrome took delivery of the AK47 model floor lamp. Dr. K2 returned his lamp, opting instead for "dicktator gold" instead of the opulent "white gold" finish. h2o became agitated when he realized that he would have to move a bicycle out of the cosmodrome to accommodate the new AK47 lamp. "Who gave Barry Hamlin the authority to decorate cosmodromes?" questioned h2o in a fit of jealous topor. No doubt Johan will have the last word on this.


Vitesse Vlaanderen Training

Under sunny skies, 2/3 of the core Team Vitesse riders set off on a training ride in honour of de Ronde van Vlaanderen held April 1. Dr. K2nees, suffering from severe lung loogies, and a resurgent h2o, suffering from nothing whatsoever, set off on a 225 kilometer jaunt. The staging area was abuzz with other teams who were in awe of the new Vitesse team car piloted by h2o himself. The team had selected Moots bicycles as the training mode because of their lightness and torsional stiffness. Of course on race days, they would bring heavier old fashioned bicycle technology to bear -- to confound the critics and cause a rumpus within the peleton. Dr K2 continuously complained of phlegm, chills, and headaches during the quick 50km warmup. These complaints were largely dismissed by h2o as an evil ploy to gain sympathy and mercy. Instead he pushed the pace constantly. "This is what Johan would want me to do" cried h2o into the deaf bleeding ear of Dr. K2. Having completed the mandatory 225 kilometer route replete with hill repeats and sprint practice, it was time to bundle Dr. K2 back into the team car. Asked if he might have been a bit harsh with the good Doctor, h2o parried with, "His legs had good sensations but his lung capacity was 15%. Team Vitesse rules required me to work those rides at 110%. We are all afraid of the wrath of Johan. It makes us better riders if no mercy is shown". Dr. K2 was unavailable for comment having sunk into a coma in HL88's Euphoric Fountain of Youth Booth.


Helmet Design Reaches for the Stars

Barry Hamlin has been hard at work in his role as designer for Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory. Drawing from influences such as space travel and cosmonaut fashion, if you will, Mr. Hamlin has created a new generation of cycling helmets. Distinctive in their minimal crash protection, Barry Hamlin sacrifices safety for style. "We could not ask for anything else" gushed Johan.
Barry Hamlin himself models his creation which is available in two colorways "slate coal blackitude" and "sour curdle milk".


Lampo's Endorsement - a Barry Hamlin Love Story

Dear Barry, Please inform Johan that I have begun some form of training, although not according to his lubricated lubriciousness' specific regime. I road for somewhere between 1 and 2 hours (probably 1.5 hours) and I went out thataway, turned somewhere, and came back somehow or other. As you can see the SMEVEC works perfectly. My plan is to hope that I ride again before I have to start over on my training. Barry, tell Johan what you would do, so I can ask Johan what he would do. Kind regards, Lampo Bianco


Barry Hamlin - A Cycling Legacy

Fans, team sponsors, bicycle afficianados, and other interested parties have been clamoring for information about the enigmatic Barry Hamlin. cycling cosmonaut caught up with Mr. Hamlin, planning strategies and technical improvements with Team Vitesse manager Johan, poolside in San Remo, Italy. Many readers may not be aware that Barry Hamlin designed prototypes for the SMEVEC 88, used exclusively by Team Vitesse in all races. Few changes have been made to the iconic SMEVEC 88 over the 3 years since it was released, and for good reason. "Its sleek lines and user-friendly layout cannot be improved upon", quipped Mr. Hamlin. After much deliberation and exchange of an unknown amount of cash, Barry Hamlin agreed to release a plan for a prototype called the SMEVEC 86. In this cycling cosmonaut exclusive, you the reader can only begin to understand the inner workings of Barry Hamlin's designing mind and follow the natural genesis from concept to cycling fruition.
"The cyclist is basically controlled on a glide path and is decumulated via wiring to the main database system. Although bulky, this SMEVEC 86 forward velocity measurement device is surprisingly light weighing just under 13 kilograms", reminisced Mr. Hamlin over martinis. He continued, "Testing results proved positive but HL88 Manufactory requested that plywood be incorporated into the design. I began doodling on a napkin during breaks on the movie set of "Kung Fu Hamlin". The result was the ever popular SMEVEC 88". As Team Vitesse riders can attest, the SMEVEC 88 is the cat's knees when it comes to biofeedback technology. "Never a day goes by when I wonder what my biofeedback decumulation statistics will reveal about me as a person", mused Dr. K2nees. Lampo Bianco bleated, "I still don't have a clue how to use it but I just freaking love it." h2o claims that "it keeps me slim and trim without the gym."


A Barry Hamlin Backgrounder

A veritable farrago of questions has arisen since the announcement that Barry Hamlin is designing equipment for HL88 Manufactory. cycling cosmonaut thought it prudent to answer some of the questions sent in by you the readers: Who the hell is Barry Hamlin? Mr. Hamlin is quiet self effacing man of modest means. He is a star of stage and screen and is a tireless fighter for cricket rights, ably defending them from avian attack. He lives with his mother in a small town near the HL88 Manufactory. What has Barry Hamlin designed of importance? Barry Hamlin imagined and then proceeded to construct the barn clearing device shown below. He was also instrumental in the invention of the cutting board.
Are Johan and Barry Hamlin related? No. Johan is a Belgian and Barry Hamlin is a Designer. Can Barry Hamlin predict the future of cycling? Yes. Barry Hamlin is a visionary but not a Belgian.


Gearing for the Classics

This year, Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has engaged the design acumen of one Barry Hamlin. Mr. Hamlin looks forward to applying his significant talents to conquering the spring classics. "I like to start out big and decumulate as the glide path becomes more evident. Only through decumulation can Team Vitesse achieve improved derisking", Barry explained sensically.


Cat 6 - Silent Running

The last 2 days of Cat 6 riding have been a joy. 2 to 4 cms of snow has fallen each night blanketing the bike path with a duvet of neige. Churning the big gear on the single speed with 32mm tyres, the silence was truly golden. I was able to wheelsuck behind what I believe to be a woman riding a Canadian Tire GRONK bike. She was in deep conversation with Race Radio (seems unlikely since radios are banned in all Cat 6 races)or family or spouse on a mobile phone. I was able to come out of her slipstream for the intermediate sprint. I glanced over and saw no technology indicating that she was talking to anyone but herself. My worst fears confirmed, I continued my sprint well past the line.


Lampo's Lunch Kit

Whenever Lampo Bianco ventures further than the end of his driveway on a training ride, he expects the worst and prepares for it. Lampo's motto, "Full speed ahead, my gay lunch kit rules!" has served him well for the past 3 days. cycling cosmonaut could not agree more.


Stinkin' Chain Oil

It has become painfully obvious there is a secret long held by Mayans of all colors and creeds. The secret to their long success in construction and crowd control is manifest in this single image snapped yesterday outside the Team Vitesse training complex. In the immortal words of a bandito in the movie Treasure of the Sierra Madre, "We don't use no stinkin' chain oil!".  



Manager Rides with Team

Team Vitesse has been put through its paces by Johan's surrogate manager, HoseB. Neither Johan or HoseA were available. A strong rider himself, HoseB obviously has the latest in kit, helmet and technical equipment. h2o was tested early but has perfected the Heavy Drop in the weightless underwater environment while swimming with the fishes. 



For the Aggressive Rider

Johan is mightily impressed with this Mexican version of a road bike. It is able to cut through the peloton and leave the competition in ribbons. The special rusted edge will keep the opposition off their bikes in hospital  Whether your riding takes through jungle or the pro peloton, you are sure to leave a lasting impression with this unit.



Sponsorship has its Privileges

Cycling cosmonaut is currently on assignment in the Carribean checking possible team building possibilities. h2o hasn't seen much of the resort so far spending most of his time representing HL88 wherever he goes.



Cycling plumber

Johan loves the practical use and mix of sewage control and cycling prowess found at the Team Vitesse training camp.



Future ramifications of the Past

In this week of doping scandals and the handing out of retroactive sanctions, it has come to the attention of Team Vitesse and sponsor Happy Lucky 88 that the UCI and CAS have PREEMPTIVELY sanctioned Team Vitesse rider, Dr. K2nees. With the recent rash of back dated suspensions (Contador gets 2 years but can ride in August, Ullrich getting 2 years but he has been retired for 5 years making him eligible to ride for the last 3 years) it is poetic justice that Dr. K2nees should be preemptively sanctioned. After all if he was victorious at the Tour de Dump and received the points associated with those wins, the ruling bodies must assume that doping took place. With today's announcement of the preemptive past tense sanctioning, Cycling Cosmonaut has learned that the good doctor will be eligible to ride as of last week. Through out the protracted process, Dr. K2nees has long claimed his future innocence. He does agree that it is a good idea to enjoy a "$3M Spanish steak purchased in Alberto" because they did do wonders for his past training regime. Johan was reached for comment at the Dubai camel track where he currently has all of Dr. K2nees' future prize money wagered on "Alice, the Dromedary of Death (ADD)". Johan brayed, "It doesn't surprise me one bit. K2 is a shifty guy who has never grasped his own Within Power. If he had, presently he won't be in this past predicament in the future. The team stands behind any future decision he may make and have retroactively terminated and reinstated him. I hope this unfortunate incident will not affect our future and past invitations to the prestigious Tour de Dump event". Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory officials were also reached for comment murmuring, "We think that plywood should be enough of a performance enhancer. Why do professionals seek solace in best before beef gone bad?". Sadly, due to an impending UCI and CAS deadline long past, HL88's nebulous comments are just that.


Vitesse Professor Implicated

A credible interweb news source is reporting that a Professor will starve himself to clear Alberto Contador (AC) of doping charges. Next we will read that a Professor has died waiting for Contador to be cleared. Cycling cosmonaut wishes to assure readers that this professor is NOT our beloved Dr. K2 who has reportedly eaten a hearty breakfast of cream of wheat laced with gobs of tranquillo. Tranquillo is the active ingredient much sought after by Spanish and Italian riders. AC found it in beef steak but got caught. Ivan Basso found tranquillo in Spanish blood bags and served a suspension for his troubles. This all seems a bit excessive. Dr. K2 gets his daily requirements of tranquillo from breakfast cereal made with loving kindness by Mrs. Dr. K2. What more does a fellow want?


Race Radio Problem Solved

Johan, ever watchful for technological advantages to ensure Team Vitesse cycling domination has combed the cycling archives for "re-solutions". "If the UCI forbids teams to use race radios, why not have bike radios tuned motivational radio stations?" mused the great man. Indeed the 1957 Huffy was used to great effect during the Cold War, ferrying paperboys to bomb shelters at high speed to the pinched sounds of Miles Davis and Birth of the Cool.
Surely there can be no issue with these bikes in the professional peleton...


Team Time Trial Tactics

Team Vitesse is busy testing the latest technology for this year's edition of the Tour de France with its 106 kilometers of individual time trials. The time trial element of the tour is thought to be the key to success and Johan has directed the team to "train like the Schlecks". While Levi shows off his all-weather time trial equipment, Team Vitesse prefers to test new proven technology:
Johan has assured the team that the UCI has received enough inducements to approve the Team Vitesse time trial rig. Illustrated below is the new Team Vitesse training method adopted from the HL88 human powered segway. After delivery to Team Vitesse sometime in 2014, Johan will be able to scream encouragement to the hapless rider. All of the team looks forward to that day.

HL88 Wheel Factory Layoffs

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory's flagship wheel manufactory has been forced to close effective immediately. The labour staff was locked out yesterday after it became apparent that the quality of work was not up the the high HL88 standards we have come to enjoy. It seems that the wheel builders were cutting corners in the construction of the basic plywoodium wheels. Dr. K2, nominal wheel tester, reported "seeing workers licking nipples before assembly and bending spokes with their minds". Both wheel building staff members had no comment but vowed "To help Daddy ride bikes". Fortunately they were not out of work for long. HL88's bottom bracket assembly line quickly put them back to work adding sparkles and drool to Dr. K2's fleet of bicycles.


Indoor Scooter Pacing

During the last week of minus 40 degree C temperatures and recuperating from a knee injury, h2o turned to training indoors. With the television showing Omloop Het Nieuwsblad 2010 narrated by the tender repetitive tones of Phil and Paul Liggett, turning the pedals became a bit of a bore. Enter Bridget the new scooter-pacing maniacal idea from Johan. Johan considers basement training an essential to prepare for the Ride to Conquer Cold Arm. h2o will attest that following Bridget is a challenge and provides a new dimension to interval training in the basement.


Cold Arm - Perennial Menace

In these days of minus negative 30 degree C temperatures and brisk little breezes, one must be extra vigilant against that evil threat, Cold Arm. At these extreme temperatures Cold Arm can attack and gain traction in the most attentive amongst us. Let us not even consider those who shun Cold Arm advice, always given freely and without judgement. You shunners know who you are.
While Cold Arm will always be a formidable foe, we must join together to mitigate its effects by being circumspect, observant and proactive. Be ever watchful for your family, friends and neighbours, especially those who flaunt the warnings and bring upon themselves unnecessary Cold Arm suffering.
Remember that Cold Arm can never be eliminated, only controlled through careful watchfulness and long sleeved clothing.


Team Vitesse Goals & Objections

As a new cycling season dawns over the sleepy peleton, Team Vitesse manager, Johan the Omniscient, has been hard at work fleshing out his "Converging Static Flux Moments" training program. Shown below are the fruits of his steel trap mind, a mind so sharp as to render razor blades obsolete. This, however, does not mean that Team Vitesse will enter races with hirsute legs.

Reaction from the team was swift. Lampo sniffled, "When you’re fast they shoot, when you're slow they shoot, when you’re in the middle they shoot you also."
Dr. K2, in a quasi-spiritual moment, intoned, "you will always find black sheep. it’s a part of my job now to talk about it and I live with those things and have to deal with them.” Perhaps h2o summed up the readiness of Team Vitesse best when he babbled, "I think I have experiences which no one else has had. You can just ride your bike and get your money at the end of the month but I don’t want that.”


Johan's 2012 Training Program

A new year always bristles with excitement and anticipation with pro cycling team presentations, new team kits and the desire to improve on the previous year's results. Team Vitesse is no exception although improving performance over 2011 will be next to impossible. However, Johan is never one to shy away from a challenge. He demands that Team Vitesse utterly dominate the sport in 2012 by doing "whatever it takes". Johan spent his short prison hiatus designing an incomparable training program that can be utilized by professionals as well as amateurs. Obviously the amateur program costs a lot more but promises to be equally effective.
Training programs come and go. Johan has adopted the wildly successful "Elmer" program. Elmer Collins, shown below in 1909, was the champion of motor paced races. Elmer's smug swagger is not an affectation. It is the result of eating right, balancing the correct "dietary supplements" and being lucky in UCI doping controls.

Johan's training brainchild is called "Converging Static Flux Moments" or ConStaFluM for short. "If Team Vitesse can converge their static flux moments at the optimal launch coordinates, they will represent Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory with pride", mused Johan over hi-balls. Whatever happens, Converging Static Flux Moments promises to be THE story to watch this coming race season.


Single Dropped Christmas Eve

Here, now, exclusive to cycling cosmonaut, are the lyrics to h2o's electrifying hit single "JUS' PIMPIN' MY RIDE". First performed in front of a live audience to overwhelming acclaim, this thematic tour-de-force touches on many universal themes and is certain to blast from many a team bus speaker at the 2012 TdF. Get the full effect with quadrafonic drum multi-tracking NOW from HL88 plytunes web interface.


Jus pimpin’ my ride til it’s bona fide
Bes’ wheels on the pavement
A carbon-free enslavement to improve capability
Impact my mobility
In all probability increase my virility
Gotta pimp my ride
put a mojo onside
make these wheels a dream glide

gonna dissipate vibrations with shock travel connectors
penetrate the dark with hub powered reflectors
a chamois on the saddle makes a good protector
of the package / no jock itch / smooth stoppage/
safe passage / no damage
Jus pimpin’ my ride til it’s bona fide…

My spokes are radially bladed, I change tires unaided
Got internal cable routing for non-polluting commuting
I’m the cream of the peleton with brakes record skeleton
Bike king of Edmonton / a rare winter specimen / a cold climate denizen,
A spandex man Michelin.
Jus pimpin’ my ride til it’s bona fide…

I get snappier shift action with campagnolo options
High-modulus carbon fibre might be worth my adopting
on all of my bike fleet, now seven and counting
The need for storage solutions keeps mounting and mounting
Jus pimpin’ my ride til it’s bona fide…

I’m a velocipede collector, accumulator of wheels,
I can vouch for the fact that steel is real
cain’t have too much excessories / they really are necessities /
I need these amenities
to achieve bike bling serenity
Jus pimpin’ my ride til it’s bona fide… (REPEAT AD INFINITUM)