One of the multitude of benefits to being the master of a wiener dog is his devoted vigilance when guarding his mobile barking platform. Ready for any contingency, George the miniature long haired dachshund, has completed all first aid courses available to dogs owns a black belt in mouth to mouth resuscitation and will not hesitate to tear the stuffing out of anything.As well as being a huge fan of buttapps, George fulfills all security requirements at the Other Cosmodrome. h2o is certainly fortunate to have such a loyal but vicious security officer on 24 hour duty. Do not let his benign countenance deceive you. No squirrel is safe from this fearless barking machine.
Lampo's ride to conquer Cold Arm concluded successfully this week. Unfortunately the buttapp RSS feed suffered catastrophic failure due to excessive US roaming charges. Johan would not approve the extra expenditure which is understandable given that he was on a losing streak. In any event, Lampo reports a stiff neck and no nether region issues. LB even managed to cross the border without incident using the Heavy Drop. Johan was pleased with the result blathering "Lampo did yeoman's service in an effort to alleviate the insidious Cold Arm. He finished high in the overall classification and looked very smart doing it."
Now all eyes are looking to Johan to name his Tour de France starting list. With barely 2 weeks until the grande depart, Johan has indicated that no one is assured of a bunk in the tour Winnebago. The trusted Team Vitesse manager has instituted a radical new approach to his selection process. Johan's process involves disciplined execution. Johan elaborated while sharing some coke refreshments, "If my boys don't do as I say then discipline follows. When discipline fails I move to execution. We want to execute in a disciplined manner."
The 3 pillars of Team Vitesse, Dr. K2, Lampo Bianco and h2o find the specter of execution slightly ominous. Perhaps Dr. K2 summed it up best intoning "We are used to Johan's discipline. We are not as keen on the execution part."
Last night, under cover of darkness, Lampo successfully crossed on the fairy to the mainland start for the Ride to Conquer Cold Arm. In typical style, Lampo requested last minute coaching information from Johan. Recent buttapp output shows some dangerous trending below.
Johan advised using butter as buffing agent to ease friction in LB's nether region. "Rancid is the new cool", drawled Johan over drinks on the terrace. Lampo has dutifully seized the butter and now coos in agreement, "Is there anything that Johan doesn't know about cycling?"
Unfortunately Team Vitesse has experienced some internal rancour resulting from the special rain cape designed for Lampo by HL88. A perturbed Dr. K2 wondered out loud, "What is wrong with the original super absorbent rain cape for Lampo's ride?" The answer, of course silly, is that Lampo's specific physical attributes do not lend themselves to a tight seal in the original version of the super absorbent cape. LB wants to experience the rain fully and completely. The plywood interface filters some of that experience.
Lampo Bianco has turned up the heat on his training schedule and correspondingly on his seat. If you have been following the buttapp, you will know that LB entered the orange zone on 2 separate occasions with frightening and dreadful results.
When Lampo regained consciousness, he realized that riding on the west coast can be a wet proposition. He hurriedly put in an apparel requisition to Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory. HL88 seldom deviates from its mission statement, "Creating problems for existing solutions" and they have proven true to their word. Once again HL88 has solved Lampo's aversion to precip with this stunning creation specifically designed with Lampo's unique physique in mind.
With only 7 days remaining until the Ride to Conquer Cold Arm, Lampo Bianco has begun his training in earnest. Shown here posing for paparazzi with his initial choice of training bike, Lampo may look buff but claims "My six pack does not represent much base training - something I plan to address this week."Indeed that six pack does not imply buns of steel, something vitally important on the 300 kilometer Ride to Conquer Cold Arm. That is the reason why Lampo has chosen this chopper as his go to machine. Note the sprung saddle, ready to translate bumps into feather softness. The ape hangers allow full ventilation in and out of the pits.
Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has developed an application for rotary telephonic devices as well as other communication systems. The app will measure redness, chaffing and pain in Lampo Bianco's tender never nether area. Special sensors are being clinically induced into Lampo's system. Once on his steed for the Ride to Conquer Cold Arm, you can follow the deterioration of Lampo's fundament in real time. Pain and agony are of course measured on a scale for 1 to 10. When keister readings exceed 10, you will know that Lampo has entered the dangerous "flaming red zone" at the same time he does. Join the fun with Johan's pool! Be the one who correctly predicts the kilometer when Lampo hits 11 on the scale of 10 and win your own buttapp!
Lampo Bianco has been hard at WORC (Western Oceanographic Research Cosmodrome) preparing for the "Ride to Conquer Cold Arm". In typical Lampo fashion, the Team Vitesse rider as eschewed all training opportunities. Instead he believes that freshness is his greatest ally in riding the 150 kilometer route along the ocean as part of a 3,000 strong peleton. Recently he mewed about his major concern, "I worry about how my posterior behind area will react to bicycle seat after 8 months off the bike..." Johan was quick to offer a myriad of solutions to this burning issue:
- Smear 1 pound of butter into the cycling chamois.
- Remove the seat completely to negate the potential for contact.
- Use "Within Power" to embrace the chaffing, raw, searing, burning agony.
- Employ Johan's helper monkey to do the ride for you.
- A combination any 3 above.
Whatever Lampo Bianco decides to do, the Ride to Conquer Cold Arm appreciates the effort in alleviating Cold Arm. He understands that Cold Arm is a determined foe.