Seeing Triple in Washington Square

While resting in Washington Square this reporter contemplated tai chi practitioners and hat purchases. Suddenly this monster cycle wobbled by. It was obviously designed to carry a couple of cox. Details are scant concerning any sacks or bags the cycle might have been sporting.


Seen in SF

h20 and PE5GW took time out from the heavy demands of HL88 to visit the Coit Tower and marvel at its Art Deco influences.


Frisco Ballsiness Knows No Bounds

Always on the look out for new trends in cycling, it was imperative that h20 remain on full alert while in SF. Nuances in the current wave of single speed, fixed gear and hipster commuting have developed a high degree of individualization peculiar to each cyclist. While plywood is the accessory of choice by Team Vitesse and its followers, cyclists in Frisco must resort to tried and true "red neck" solutions in order to insinuate themselves on the streets.

SF Bike Militants

h20's and PE5GW triumphant return from San Francisco was heralded by the plaintive wailing of See-Lion and by the smiling faces of Lampo Bianco and Hat Model at the airport on the weekend. h & P arrived tanned and fresh faced after 6 days in the Californian sun. They had attended Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory's product seminar and luncheon which was held at the corner of Market Street and 11 Street on the edge of the Tenderloin. Management picked this questionable site for their plywood cycling excellence to highlight the safety of plywood in the urban landscape. Judging from the poster below (which was plastered to a 4 x 8 sheet of plywood), local cyclists are a combative, judgmental, and agitated demographic.

HL88 wants to reach these potential disaffected consumers so that they too can enjoy some contented plywood superiority like Team Vitesse. One salient fact emerged. 3/4 inch plywood can stop up to 8 rounds from an 8 millimeter handgun. During the short periods of down time from the demands of HL88, h20 and PE5GW found time to relax along the tree lined boulevards.

Under glorious skies, the couple frequented hat and antique shoppes all the while keeping a keen look out peeled for exciting local colour and other foto opportunities.


West Coast Perspective

Gentle readers, this author will be spending some quality time testing Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory equipment in California next week. One of the many perks of working with such an illustrious sponsor is a free all expense paid trip to San Francisco paid by cycling cosmonaut. The plan is to test new plywood based cycling products under the watchful spirit of Karl Malden, patron saint of Plywood.

A full report will be posted upon my safe return from the city by the bay. Whatever the climactic conditions, knowing that Karl Malden has this author's back brings a sense of peace and contentment similar to the rejuvenating effects of the Euphoric Fountain of Youth Booth. Remember, ride safely and carry a working pump.


End Games

h20 has every right to feel violated this week. In one of the most blatant out of competition tests to date, h20 was required to drink a mixture of chemical grape, antifreeze and drano to facilitate a purge of the number 2 pipeline. In keeping with the spirit of cooperation inspired by Johan and fostered by Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory, all Team Vitesse riders signed an agreement for random testing at any point in time. This is the first time the agreement between WADA, UCI, AHS, EU, CAFIB, SMEVEC and Team Vitesse has been enforced.
Some have likened the purge to a shuttle launch and others to the results of eating poison rhubarb. "One hears stories of the abiding connection that develops between purger and commode, but until one actually drinks the vile concoction, one can never appreciate how important the white receptacle becomes", remarked h20.
h20's weight loss was 3.18 kilograms, the result of a 48 hour fast in concert with the consumption of 4 litres of liquid plumber. "The actual procedure was painless thanks to the deft work of Dr. Rump Ranger", a thankful h20 said.
The results of the out of competition test are not known at this point in time. However, it was remarked by staff that the colonoscopy was a boring procedure.


Celebrate Dr. K2's achievement!

Right now, at this point in time, if you order more than a baker's dozen of Happy Lucky 88's new AnkCafib, you may be eligible for an amazing collector's trading card. HL88 has secured a humongous volume of these beautiful Cosmonaut Barbie trading cards. Suitable for framing or clipping to your spokes, the Cosmonaut Barbie will provide extreme pimping for your ride.

Help celebrate the recent name change for the Team Vitesse member formerly known as K2nees with an order of AnkCAFIBS - now autographed by Dr. K2.

Team Vitesse Increases Brain Trust

The epic ups and downs of academic life have borne fruit for K2nees of Team Vitesse. The successful defence of his doctorate dissertation means that his new team handle shall be: Dr. K2. A heart felt congratulations goes out to Dr. K2 and his support staff which also recently boasted the addition of a PhD in Chemistry.
Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory is very interested in Dr. K2's thesis. They have reason to believe that the ungulate dropping model he has developed can be adapted to testing of their wondrous plywood products. Cellulose is cellulose as cellulose does after all. From all the staff at the cosmodrome, well done and strong work.


Introducing the ANKCAFIB

Seizing on unusually massive inventory levels of the CAFIB (Cold Arm Foundation Bracelet), Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has confirmed its thrust to increase its market presence in bicycle accessories. HL88 is proud to introduce the CAFIB for your ankle.
Similar to the original CAFIB, the AnkCAFIB possesses aerodynamic qualities heretofore unknown to the professional peleton. A unique combination of a patented gravel repulsion system and gravity power utilization system, the AnkCAFIB is a Happy Lucky 88 product that no cyclist worthy of the name will want to be without. Who among us has not found small pieces of gravel in our shoes after a long ride. Those minuscule annoyances are easily repelled by the AnkCAFIB.
More importantly, the AnkCAFIB uses the power of gravity to increase downward pedal force. As your piston-like legs churn, this device adds momentum and increases cadencity and cycling propensity. Stylish when coupled with the original CAFIB or as a stand alone accessory, the AnkCAFIB has been extensively field tested by Team Vitesse.
Lampo's encouraging remarks summarize the positive tone of all team members, "I love the look, feel and power I get from this piece of 3/4 inch plywood on my leg. The gravel repulsion is just a bonus. Finally gravity is working for me!"


Mechanicals Plague Gran Fondo

The Gran Fondo held recently was a great success if one ignored the mechanical incidents that dogged Team Vitesse. For those readers not familiar with the term Gran Fondo, it is an organized ride during which amateurs can rub elbows with the professionals on Team Vitesse. Some twit on Team Vitesse twittered a tweet to which no one but the team chirped. No matter; the weather was brilliant as Lampo Bianco, K2nees and h20 met at the designated launch area down by the river. LB and K2 rode cyclocross rigs equipped with knobby tyres. Attempting to gain a speed advantage on dry tarmac, h20 opted for near slick tyres which he cursed on every snow choked or ice laden section. The trio set off with great fanfare as employees of Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory lined the route. The employees happened to be searching for empty bottles and cans as part of a revenue generating initiative from HL88 management.
Once under steam, the Team Vitesse trio exchanged looks as well as bikes to test braking power during a discussion about the relative stopping power of v-brakes versus whatever brakes. While sitting on K2's tit, h20 made the beastly discovery that would cast a pall over the rest of the ride. After clipping in, h20 noticed a wobble in the tit's left pedal. The team reached the apogee of the ride when K2 discovered that his carbon fiber pedal arm had suffered catastrophic failure. There and then he vowed to switch to the plywood pedal arms currently under development at HL88. The 3 intrepid cyclists stood and marvelled at the problematic pedal when K2 discovered a puncture. With no team car within 1,500 kilometers, K2 was forced to repair the puncture himself.
Cooperation was the watch word on the ride back to team headquarters. K2 was designated the protected rider as he nursed his compromised tit. Closer to the the cosmodrome, h20 himself suffered a punctilious puncture. Due to operator error, he was unable to inflate a fresh tube. Race radio informed Lampo that he would have to carry on to retrieve the lunar module rover and return for h20. The last man standing, Lampo lit off like the rocket he is. Safely back at the cosmodrome over a Duvel, Lampo revelled in the fact that he was the only one who had not suffered a mechanical incident. This hubris will surely come back to haunt him.
The fondo was judged a success and will be repeated in the near future. Stay tuned for the next time the twits go out.


Inaugural Omloop het Johan

Doggedly following their manager's direction, riders from Team Vitesse partook of the parcours of the first Omloop het Johan. h20 received a telegram from the Omniscient One demanding that Team Vitesse go on a training ride. Physically weakened with knee problems caused by too much prayer, h20 was dubious about what laid ahead. Protected rider Lampo Bianco expected Johan to have organized traffic control but it was not to be. K2nees was unable to ride any of his stable of tits due to a nagging back injury caused an awkward lift of his thesis.
Into sleet, sun, wind and disgusting road conditions Lampo and h20 set off. Flushed with excitement the riders maintained a brisk tempo for the first 500 meters. They soon realized that they were alone without manager support. Lampo was very satisfied to have covered the 2.5 kilometer circuit in just under 2 hours. After thawing out his water bottles, h20 was full of praise for the Omloop het Johan. "There is nothing like riding past snow drifts on roads destroyed by frost heave with excruciating knee pain. Thank you Johan!", a jubilant h20 said.