Training Camp Judged a Success

Johan has declared the 2009 edition of the Smoky Lake training camp to be an overwhelming success. "Not only was the temperature less than minus 35 C, the wind chill made the temperature minus 50!" he said with relish from his Lake Como hot tub. One of the most popular team building exercises included the entire cycle of wool production from sheep shearing to spinning to actual scarf knitting. Team Vitesse members were also kept busy hauling water from a nearby lake in zip lock bags. Reaction to the camp was mixed. Lampo enjoyed gathering dried frozen dung for the evening's cooking fire. K2nees showed alacrity with shears but never mastered the knack with knitting needles. h20, who had bad sensations, was forced to keep his feet in his armpits for warmth. This position precluded any other activity.
Group rides began and finished in the dark due to the 6.5 hours of sunlight at this time of the year. Riders were once again thankful for the Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking which provided partial relief from the icy cold wind.
Reached by telephone in his luxurious villa, Johan had nothing but praise for his team. "Smoky Lake is a place of dreams. The team defrayed some of my overhead with their knit wear production. Frozen extremities are a small price to pay for this special experience."
Alberto can only look on in envy from the Astana training camp in Spain.


Training Camp Announced

This year's Team Vitesse training camp will once again be based in the parking lot of the Pelican Hotel in Smoky Lake. It has been suggested by K2nees that all attendees ride to base camp wearing as little as is acceptable by law. The wind is expected to be strong with an average temperature of minus 28. "Perfect weather to get some miles into the legs," cried Johan into his spilled milk. Members of Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory are busy setting up camp and preparing the muktuk delicacy so desired by Team Vitesse riders like Lampo Bianco who stated emphatically, "I love to rub that **** on my frozen extremeties."

K2nees demands more ballsiness

We have forgotten the wisdom of Johan and WWJD (What Would Johan Do?). I for one am advocating a return to the cruel harsh reality of winter training. Cast of your designer scarves and let them blow in the wind for Johan demands that we toughen up. We require no stinking Danish bank boot camp. We have all the elements at our disposal. How will we ever arrive at a place of good sensations if we can't pack our pain away in a suitcase of courage and hide it in the pain cave?
I for one am training this winter season sans scarf and shirt. I am attempting to recreate the robotic discipline shown late great (dead and frozen) Russian riders who felt grateful for their paltry morning gruel and anything resembling clothing. By hardening my body to the elements I shall gain a level of mental fortitude only displayed by Johan the Souse at the Blackjack table.
My wish this festive season is for one and all to change their bourgeois ways and find out what WWJD really means on a personal level. As for me I am wishing speedy, efficient amputations and an early spring.
Kindest regards, K2nees


A Tale of 2 Scarves

Have you ever wondered what riders like h20 do when they are not on a bike or tending their saddle sores? Today cycling cosmonaut is proud to publish a scientific survey by author Hammer of Holland (h20).

You might be wondering which scarf I chose to wear today. Since the morning low is a mere minus 15, I chose a multicoloured scarf from Florence, expecting that its thinner nature would be suitable for the moderated temperature. I have some interesting observations that I would like to share with you.
The scarves in this analysis will be called Sisley (long navy blue cotton/wool mix, purchased in Florence, Italy) and Ermini (striped delicately coloured wool, also purchased in Florence, Italy).
The scarves were tested for the following characteristics: Neck warmth, facial coverage and overall look.


Neck warmth – okay to good
Face coverage – moderately excellent to excellent. The stretchiness of the weave would make full facial coverage at lower temperatures impossible.
Overall look – utilitarian excellence (not to be confused with Unitarian excellence)


Neck warmth – excellent to extremely excellent. almost too excellent
Face coverage – probably poor to moderate due to its narrower nature.
Overall look – elegant excellence with aspirations of operatic attendance.

Conclusion: depending on where I am going and who I might meet on the way, the wind conditions and a variety of factors too numerous to mention, both scarves have a purpose and are welcome additions to the scarf stable.


Team Vitesse Concerned

The announcement that head tattoos will be mandatory at the Team Vitesse training camp has created controversy among the riders. Johan's vision for the "dude" tattoo has K2nees agitated, "I don't like the font that is typical of prison tattoos. I want Helvetica or nothing. It will be much easier to read." Johan thought that Helvetica was a mixed cocktail and is looking into just what Helvetica is...
Night Train questioned the permanent nature of prison tattoos. "I don't want it to come off in the first rain storm!" she injected.
Johan still has to determine who will apply the tattoos. His plan is to assign "tattoo partners" from within the team who will apply the ink to each other. Funnily enough, Johan has not been assigned a partner at this point in time.