No Appointment Necessary

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory is proud to announce the crowning of h20 as Manager of Investment Management for Team Vitesse. The position is highly dependent on team members remitting their membership dues in a timely fashion so the that Manager has some funds to manage. This is just a friendly reminder that membership dues are now due to the Manager for management.


Cosmodrome will suck

The Western Cosmodrome's vast interior space is under feverish development. Due to higher than expected power requirements by Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory, a power generation plant will be added. In order to evacuate any noxious miasmas that may gather within the confines of the enormous cosmodrome, rather large atmospheric exchange machinery is due to be installed immediately. This will service the product development area as well as the waste disposal facilities.


Johan's lessons pay dividends

All the training miles with Johan screaming obscenities into my ear have finally paid off. On today's morning commute to Team Vitesse HQ in the Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory office tower, I passed a fully kitted out road racer. As I assessed the opportunity to spin by this rival from a local team, I asked myself, "What would Johan do?". The answer of course was to pound the pedals, dig deep, give 188%, to make sure that the other rider knew that the gauntlet had been thrown down. As Johan urged me on I blew past politely ringing my bell. The sweet taste of victory lingers even now but is tainted with an odd salty freesia aftertaste.
Of course this fleeting statement of dominance was assisted greatly by the fact that the competition had a mechanical incident and was stopped by the road repairing his bike. No matter, sprint bonus points were up for grabs and a win is a win.


Knee mobility

An epic training ride yesterday proved to be the cure for h20's knee problems - at least temporarily. Johan recommended a long ride into the wind on a stretch of holy pavement to alleviate the nagging knee annoyances endured by the biggest engine on Team Vitesse. The 8 hour ride, complete with a headwind in both directions, was shared by teammates K2nees and LB. The team mechanics set the riders' brakes against their rims so that extra effort would be expended.
Back at the cosmodrome, h20 carefully extracted the saddle from his butt and headed straight for the arnica dip and ice bag treatment. Some difficulty was encountered in ascending the stairs to the cosmodrome hyperbaric chamber. He reports this morning that there is 68.88% mobility in the limb versus the median mobility of 52.37%. Johan can be credited for this turnaround in knee health.


Athlete's Fuel

As a high performance athlete, I am faced with many challenges and choices to feed the powerful engine within. Allergies only compound the problem. I am currently on the Team Vitesse injury reserve list and am a doubtful starter for the TdF. During this enforced spare time, I oversee the finances of Team Vitesse. Today I would like to address the problem of when to consume one's lunch by posing some rhetorical questions. What is the appropriate time (lately it has been 1000 hours)? How does one eat only part of one's lunch, saving a portion for later in the day? It is my experience that mid morning meetings with team officials are the only way to delay stuffing my cake hole with rice based products.


Cleats - Maintenance & Repair

Recently I thought that my right cleat was loose in the pedals of all my bicycles equipped with crank brothers eggbeaters. Upon closer inspection I found a nice piece of chewing gum replete with lots of grass stuck on, in and around the cleat. "Curses to all irresponsible gum chewing spitting out anywhere people" I mumbled while scraping out the offensive obstruction. On a positive note, I was assailed with the wonderful smell of mint during my efforts.


Support Cut in Half

In order to negotiate the tight mountain roads in the Tour de France, Team Vitesse has downsized its support vehicle. Race organizers insisted on the change of vehicular equipment after repeated breakdowns of the HL88 Winnebago. Shown below, the smaller more efficient and reliable rolling command centre will serve Johan and the team very well.
The new Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory support vehicle will double as the Team Vitesse bus. It is being outfitted with the latest in 8 track and betamax video equipment technology. Johan commented, "We were very fortunate to secure this excellent conveyance at the price we did."


Team Vitesse Injury Report

Fans around the globe have been clamouring for information about the health of Team Vitesse riders. This report is the first in a semi-annual series:

LB: now smoking 1 pack of smokes per day, LB has a uniform coating of lung tar ready to combat the strongest of landfill nasal assaults. By his own admission, his lung volume has been reduced and his perspiration now contains hints of lavender.

K2nees: he has begun the painstaking work of removing loose chips which have insinuated themselves into his epidermis. Currently his visage is unrecognizable. Once the reconstructive surgery is complete he hopes to return to his movie star good looks.

h20: during the shifting of resources within the new western Cosmodrome facility, h20 fell down some stairs spraining his knee and suffering a nasty laceration to an index finger. The cause of the fall is under investigation. Initial findings point to a moment of weightlessness while travelling from one dimension to another. The accident serves as a reminder that the Cosmodrome is a serious establishment where safety is paramount.

K2nees conquers the FAD

Due to some logistical errors in communication (race radio with dead batteries) I missed the Team Vitesse ride and was forced into a solo ride. Having picked the Tour l'dump route I set out with nothing to slow me down other than the setting sun, a brisk head wind, and a crucial component of fitness cyclist commonly refer to as "legs". As I started out of town I set my cadence meter to “tempo” (the Happy Lucky 88 metronome cunningly attached to the handlebar). It wasn't long before I encountered 2 signs that is the most dreaded to all road cyclists: “CRACK FILLING AHEAD” and "LOOSE CHIPS". To the layperson this would elude to the crisps left over in the bag following one of Johan's week long benders. Rather, it refers to the small pieces of gravel road crews use to fill cracks in the road. A Paris Roubaix like rail delay was the next annoyance on the ride. Once the barriers opened, I shot across the tracks like air out of a balloon.

Along a stretch of road similar to any country road in northern France (without the trees, cafes, and baguettes) I was challenged by a young ruffian riding an all terrain vehicle. He wanted to race. And as we all know, a Team Vitesse member never turns down competition. The pimply faced lad put up a good fight but I soon grew tired of the gravel and dust spray from his wheels. It was then that I decided to drop the hammer and left him revving his engine at a culvert.

Rounding the next corner, I was pleased with my performance on the short steep Muur du Legends and calmly rode away through the S-bends following it. At this point a truck pulled into my peripheral vision. I tensed for the inevitable random dumping of takeout food containers and empty beer cans. Fortunately Team Vitesse often practices evasive action for just such circumstances. I realized the beer swilling driver was pacing me and informed me that I was maintaining 44 kmph. I assume I heard wrong or they failed to mention a decimal. I could not confirm their velocity reading with my trusty SMEVIC 88T. After some laborious calculations the SMEVEC 88T produced a reading of 653.82 cubits per 30 seconds.

I turned for the dump and my date with Fortune and Destiny (FAD). FAD is the hill near the dump that is also known as "that @#$%ing hill I have to climb heading south out of the dump". At the light to cross Hwy 16 I had the enviable situation drafting behind a large truck just as the light went green. However, I had not gone 50 meters before I realized this truck's final destination was an abattoir. The summer heat had worked its magic on the truck’s unlucky occupants. My lungs, being hardened from many rides past the dump, were unable to function due to the fecundity of the odor. I managed to avoid a high speed spew by pulling on the binders and allowing the truck and all it live cargo to speed away.

With fresh air in my lungs and Gordon Lightfoot crooning a Pierre Burton history lesson in my ear, I turned for home. I picked my way along Vaseline alley trying to avoid the loose chip spray from each passing tanker truck. Arriving home, I ran to the kitchen to get a reading from my uber-accurate oven clock. I was please to discover that the route had taken me exactly 1 hour and 34 minutes...at an average speed of 64 kmph!

Contributor: K2nees


Cosmodrome Relocation

There will an interruption in postings in the coming weeks. Due to space considerations, the Cosmodrome must be relocated to a new "western" Cosmodrome. This decision was precipitated by a sharp increase in cosmodromic activity and the challenges of space. Cosmonauts from Team Vitesse are assisting various payload specialists in shifting the Team archives, equipment and other cosmic stuff. Johan will not be available to direct activities in person but will be providing his usual verbal abuse via race radio.


Ride on the Windy Side

Yesterday Team Vitesse members rode the Tour d'Ardrossan in preparation for their first appearance in the Tour de France. After much discussion about kneeings and armings, the riders set off onto the biways of the rolling area. The wind gusted up to 60 kmph challenged the Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking. You can imagine how 72 square feet of plywood has the ability to cut through the atmosphere. Team members had to admit that the average speed dropped below 53 kmph for a few moments.