Race Radio Problem Solved

Johan, ever watchful for technological advantages to ensure Team Vitesse cycling domination has combed the cycling archives for "re-solutions". "If the UCI forbids teams to use race radios, why not have bike radios tuned motivational radio stations?" mused the great man. Indeed the 1957 Huffy was used to great effect during the Cold War, ferrying paperboys to bomb shelters at high speed to the pinched sounds of Miles Davis and Birth of the Cool.

Surely there can be no issue with these bikes in the professional peleton...

Team Time Trial Tactics

Team Vitesse is busy testing the latest technology for this year's edition of the Tour de France with its 106 kilometers of individual time trials. The time trial element of the tour is thought to be the key to success and Johan has directed the team to "train like the Schlecks". While Levi shows off his all-weather time trial equipment, Team Vitesse prefers to test new proven technology:

Johan has assured the team that the UCI has received enough inducements to approve the Team Vitesse time trial rig. Illustrated below is the new Team Vitesse training method adopted from the HL88 human powered segway. After delivery to Team Vitesse sometime in 2014, Johan will be able to scream encouragement to the hapless rider. All of the team looks forward to that day.

HL88 Wheel Factory Layoffs

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory's flagship wheel manufactory has been forced to close effective immediately. The labour staff was locked out yesterday after it became apparent that the quality of work was not up the the high HL88 standards we have come to enjoy. It seems that the wheel builders were cutting corners in the construction of the basic plywoodium wheels. Dr. K2, nominal wheel tester, reported "seeing workers licking nipples before assembly and bending spokes with their minds". Both wheel building staff members had no comment but vowed "To help Daddy ride bikes". Fortunately they were not out of work for long. HL88's bottom bracket assembly line quickly put them back to work adding sparkles and drool to Dr. K2's fleet of bicycles.

Indoor Scooter Pacing

During the last week of minus 40 degree C temperatures and recuperating from a knee injury, h2o turned to training indoors. With the television showing Omloop Het Nieuwsblad 2010 narrated by the tender repetitive tones of Phil and Paul Liggett, turning the pedals became a bit of a bore. Enter Bridget the new scooter-pacing maniacal idea from Johan. Johan considers basement training an essential to prepare for the Ride to Conquer Cold Arm. h2o will attest that following Bridget is a challenge and provides a new dimension to interval training in the basement.

Cold Arm - Perennial Menace

In these days of minus negative 30 degree C temperatures and brisk little breezes, one must be extra vigilant against that evil threat, Cold Arm. At these extreme temperatures Cold Arm can attack and gain traction in the most attentive amongst us. Let us not even consider those who shun Cold Arm advice, always given freely and without judgement. You shunners know who you are.
While Cold Arm will always be a formidable foe, we must join together to mitigate its effects by being circumspect, observant and proactive. Be ever watchful for your family, friends and neighbours, especially those who flaunt the warnings and bring upon themselves unnecessary Cold Arm suffering.
Remember that Cold Arm can never be eliminated, only controlled through careful watchfulness and long sleeved clothing.

Team Vitesse Goals & Objections

As a new cycling season dawns over the sleepy peleton, Team Vitesse manager, Johan the Omniscient, has been hard at work fleshing out his "Converging Static Flux Moments" training program. Shown below are the fruits of his steel trap mind, a mind so sharp as to render razor blades obsolete. This, however, does not mean that Team Vitesse will enter races with hirsute legs.

Reaction from the team was swift. Lampo sniffled, "When you’re fast they shoot, when you're slow they shoot, when you’re in the middle they shoot you also."
Dr. K2, in a quasi-spiritual moment, intoned, "you will always find black sheep. it’s a part of my job now to talk about it and I live with those things and have to deal with them.” Perhaps h2o summed up the readiness of Team Vitesse best when he babbled, "I think I have experiences which no one else has had. You can just ride your bike and get your money at the end of the month but I don’t want that.”

Johan's 2012 Training Program

A new year always bristles with excitement and anticipation with pro cycling team presentations, new team kits and the desire to improve on the previous year's results. Team Vitesse is no exception although improving performance over 2011 will be next to impossible. However, Johan is never one to shy away from a challenge. He demands that Team Vitesse utterly dominate the sport in 2012 by doing "whatever it takes". Johan spent his short prison hiatus designing an incomparable training program that can be utilized by professionals as well as amateurs. Obviously the amateur program costs a lot more but promises to be equally effective.
Training programs come and go. Johan has adopted the wildly successful "Elmer" program. Elmer Collins, shown below in 1909, was the champion of motor paced races. Elmer's smug swagger is not an affectation. It is the result of eating right, balancing the correct "dietary supplements" and being lucky in UCI doping controls.

Johan's training brainchild is called "Converging Static Flux Moments" or ConStaFluM for short. "If Team Vitesse can converge their static flux moments at the optimal launch coordinates, they will represent Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory with pride", mused Johan over hi-balls. Whatever happens, Converging Static Flux Moments promises to be THE story to watch this coming race season.

Single Dropped Christmas Eve

Here, now, exclusive to cycling cosmonaut, are the lyrics to h2o's electrifying hit single "JUS' PIMPIN' MY RIDE". First performed in front of a live audience to overwhelming acclaim, this thematic tour-de-force touches on many universal themes and is certain to blast from many a team bus speaker at the 2012 TdF. Get the full effect with quadrafonic drum multi-tracking NOW from HL88 plytunes web interface.

JUS PIMPIN' MY RIDE

Jus pimpin’ my ride til it’s bona fide
Bes’ wheels on the pavement
A carbon-free enslavement to improve capability
Impact my mobility
In all probability increase my virility
Gotta pimp my ride
put a mojo onside
make these wheels a dream glide

gonna dissipate vibrations with shock travel connectors
penetrate the dark with hub powered reflectors
a chamois on the saddle makes a good protector
of the package / no jock itch / smooth stoppage/
safe passage / no damage
Jus pimpin’ my ride til it’s bona fide…

My spokes are radially bladed, I change tires unaided
Got internal cable routing for non-polluting commuting
I’m the cream of the peleton with brakes record skeleton
Bike king of Edmonton / a rare winter specimen / a cold climate denizen,
A spandex man Michelin.
Jus pimpin’ my ride til it’s bona fide…

I get snappier shift action with campagnolo options
High-modulus carbon fibre might be worth my adopting
on all of my bike fleet, now seven and counting
The need for storage solutions keeps mounting and mounting
Jus pimpin’ my ride til it’s bona fide…

I’m a velocipede collector, accumulator of wheels,
I can vouch for the fact that steel is real
cain’t have too much excessories / they really are necessities /
I need these amenities
to achieve bike bling serenity
Jus pimpin’ my ride til it’s bona fide… (REPEAT AD INFINITUM)