Team Vitesse Signing Bonus

Johan's management style of Team Vitesse is legendary. Once again he has come up with an innovative way to encourage all team members to attend the low altitude training camp in Smoky Lake. For the first time, all riders will receive a free tattoo! The tattoo is installed under "prison" conditions and is meant to reflect the 2010 theme "Rugged Manliness in Spandex". Johan came up with Team Vitesse's theme while doing time for armed robbery. "I love the way this subtle tattoo works of so many levels" said Johan upon his release.


Lampo thinks that the tattoo should be lower on the rider's forehead so that it won't be covered up by his helmet.

Training Regime to include Swimming

After studying, reflecting and a long cogitation session, Johan has come up with a new training plan for Team Vitesse. To be introduced at the Smoky Lake training facility, the cycling team will learn to build better personal and group dynamics with a renewed spirit of cooperation. For the first time at the professional cycling level, synchronized swimming will be one of the activities. According to sources close to the great man, Johan the Omniscient has always been enamoured with synchronized swimming and its stunningly magnificent visual elements. At the time of this report Johan was maintaining radio silence during a Texas hold 'em tournament at one of 8 possible locations in downtown Minsk.

"Team Vitesse must develop stronger lungs and nose plugs will do that!" expounded Johan. "Besides the shaved legs are so beautiful are they not?"

Reaction from the team was overwhelmingly positive. Reached between a wash and set, Lampo Bianco said that the bathing suits would undoubtedly be very slimming. h20 wondered if a entire body waxing would be necessary.

Alberto's Huge Mistake

Contador has made a career ending error by signing with Astana for 2010. Not only has he foregone the plentiful plywood perks of Happy Lucky 88 sponsorship, he has chosen to compete against the most formidably aggressive teams in the peleton. Reaction from Team Vitesse members was swift.
Upon hearing the news Johan said, "Good riddance to that whiner. He was too much of a team player for us anyway."
Lampo Bianco's reaction was eager and selfish, "That just means more plywood products for us!"
K2nees mused, "Team Vitesse could have taught him so much..."
LeTriple beamed at the news, "I am glad he is not on my new team. I didn't feel like pulling him over every climb in every race."
h20 remarked, "The sensations are good. Let's party!".
Obviously a rivalry has been spawned. No doubt Alberto will have to get used to watching the backs of Team Vitesse riders as they disappear into the distance throughout the TdF.

Alberto Wants To Pay

Contador has spoken publicly of his desire to leave his current team to ride with Team Vitesse in 2010. Secret negotiations have been ongoing for the last 15 minutes between Contador's agent/brother and Johan the Wiley. Details of the pending agreement were leaked by unnamed parties overhearing Johan the Souse at a Casino Royale roulette table. Alberto has agreed in principle to paying Team Vitesse and its primary sponsor, Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory, for the privilege of riding with the team and using HL88's wondrous products. Although firm figures are not available, it is believed that Vitesse members have not put on much winter fat.

Winter Training Tips

The quandry faced by Team Vitesse is how to maintain the excellent form developed over the past racing season through the winter months. Riding at minus 30 degrees C is highly recommended by Johan and most team riders dutifully engage. "Not only does it build character but it stresses the body and equipment to the maximum" spouts Johan. For some, like riders Night Train in London or LT in Zeeland, travelling to Siberia is the only option to find the kinds of temperatures that Johan espouses. Riders under contract in Canada can expect those temperatures for the month of January. The idea is to increase mileage during the coldest months. Until the mecury plummets, Johan advocates experimentation with the "Lampo Method" of pillow breathing to increase lung capacity to the point of blacking out. A variation on the Lampo Method is to put a sock it in.

Increase Your Lung Capacity the Lampo Way

We all know that Lampo Bianco spends a lot of his down time inside the Euphoric Fountain of Youth Booth. LB increases the ability of his lungs to absorb oxygen while reading dictionaries and enjoying cross stitch. He has always been one to push himself beyond his limits. To this end he has begun a 5,000 piece jigsaw puzzle inside the booth (which fits over any bathtub).
On his recent 1.5 hour flight to the west coast, he experimented with increasing his lung capacity even further. Lampo strapped a pillow over his face to filter out potentially harmful viruses and increase the effort of breathing. "By making it more difficult to suck air and actually fight for your very life, your lungs will increase in power, efficiency and capacity," wheezed Lampo. He recommends a smaller couch pillow for flights over 2 hours. Thank you for that LB.

Team Vitesse Off-Season Activity

Cycling cosmonaut thought it might be fun to catch up with the doings of Team Vitesse's stellar lineup. Now that it is the Year of Erudition, this information fits the mandate of internet postings and is certain to vitiate matters.
Lampo Bianco is travelling without precarity to the west coast on a surveillance mission. He and Hat Model are attending some festal occasions.
K2nees continues to avoid perfidy and displays much uxorious behaviour. Both LB and K2 have shown so much uxoriousness that there will be additions to the Vitesse team in 2010.
LeTriple continues to amaze with perspicacious fotos of his now weekly assaults of Mont Ventoux.
Night Train's lack of quiet querulousness may awaken with the continued consumption of farl.
Johan's insistent plangency can be heard from his private social Siberia.
h20 persists in producing somewhat specious blog entries which, it is hoped, are the opposite of longueurs.
PE5GW is just plain sick of moving.

Lampo's Erudite Feedback

Since it is now officially the Year of Erudition, I believe we must take the initiative to celebrate and further stroke the egos of those narrowly over-intellectualized grey matter addicted individuals who choose to lord over others with their pedantic and condescending self-importance. This may proceed as such: "Yay, you're a social retard who clings to your book knowledge to feel any sense of worth but couldn't form a friendship let alone please a woman if you had too". Oooooo.... Alternatively, it may be time to begin screening for Productive Eruditisma Extemporanium Dismorphia (PEED) in the general population. If a diagnosis can be confirmed then the appropriate surgical Eruditendectomy can be performed. This dangerous procedure is followed by an intensive round of DEET (Discognitive Eruditional Extraction Therapy. The end result, with any luck, is the creation of the "Year of the Dood" (or Dude).

HL 88 Proclamatiion

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has declared 2010 the "YEAR of ERUDITION". By announcing this announcement, Team Vitesse can finally prove once and for all who has the most erudititudinoscity.
The celebrations marking the Year of Erudition will be modest because HL88 is not a profligate manufactory.

Lampo to tell all

An unconfirmed report has the cycling world abuzz. Lampo Bianco, perennial star of Team Vitesse, is writing a kiss and tell all book. Entitled "The Lamentations of Lampo", this missive has a preponderance of professional riders worried. Lampo Bianco promised, "I am going to lay bare the skein of lies that is the sport I love".
Watch for excerpts of "The Lamentations of Lampo" exclusively here at cyclingcosmonaut.

Declination of Cadel

In a stunning rebuff of Team Vitesse, Cadel has signed with a new pro cycling team. This news comes after the gauntlet was thrown down in a special competition designed by Johan. "Riding my mowped is the best way to determine who is the best candidate for Team Vitesse", drooled Johan over his morning mead. The rest of team will still insist that Alberto cut Johan's grass. "Even when the sensations are good, riding that mowped for 200 kilometers is the most debilitating gardening imaginable" lamented Lampo.

Riders Beg for Chance

Professional cyclists are clamouring for a position on Team Vitesse's stacked roster. Not only is Alberto begging to be included but now the whining Aussie has expressed exasperation and frustration (what else) with Team Vitesse. The choice of the final selection for the 2010 season rests in the hands of Johan the Omniscient. Rumours abound that a "ride off" will take place at Johan's palatial grounds surrounding his Lake Como villa. To secure that coveted final spot, potential Vitesse members will have to cut as much grass as possible in a six hour window aboard the Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory mowped pictured below.
In case of a tie, whoever has the most tied stooks in the time allotted will be allowed to carry refreshment bottles for the likes of LT, LB, K2nees, h20, and Night Train. Both Alberto and Cadel are reportedly in training for the great mow off.