Farewell to Fondo - Hello to Sweatpants

T minus 24 hours: jocularity reigns

Two thirds of Team Vitesse (sponsored by Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory) was shepherded up the highway from Vancouver to Whistler on September 8, 2012 along with 6000 other participants.  Months of preparation, choosing the appropriate kit, purchasing carbon wheels, practicing Heavy Drop, and studying nutrition paid off with the team members finishing 2200 and 2201 in the field of 6000+.

0700: Race Faces firmly in place

Team Vitesse followed Johan's instructions to the letter and hung back from the pointy end of the peleton maintaining a mid-pack attitude. One Heavy Drop sequence netted a top speed of 79.8 kmph. h2o was unprepared for the uphill slog.

foto by Lampo Bianco. h2o was incapable of handling camera during ride.

The dynamic Vitesse duo stayed together on the 122 kms riding no hands most of the way.

h2o bonked at 75 kms having forgotten his cooked yams at the hotel.  With no HL88 support vehicle within 1000 miles of the ride, h2o was forced to eat lance approved sugar coated EPO snacks. This strategy gave him the strength he needed to cross the line together with Lampo Bianco in 5 hours.

Posing for fotos after the ride, Lampo was gracious in his contempt for Barry Hamlin's race strategy. "Staying mid-pack ensured that we would finish mid-pack. However, we managed to finish at the bottom of the top third in the field!" h2o was relieved to arrive and went immediately to the coleslaw booth for sustenance.

Long time no post

I can't believe that 2 months have passed since I last blessed the internet with some inane posting.  It has been a busy couple of months what with swimming the English channel, running the Boston marathon twice (because I left my wallet at the start), and riding the Whistler Gran Fondo.

LB signs in.

h2o considers copyright violation proceedings

I was joined on the Fondo by Lampo Bianco of the Western Oceanographic Research Cosmodrome. I was surprised to find that there is a bit of an elevation difference from Vancouver to Whistler. Lampo was good enough to wait for me on all the uphills although I did pace him to the foot of the timed uphill sprint. It was a hot day in the saddle. I bonked about half way there but after filling myself with Lance approved all natural sugar snacks and go juice, I pulled myself together to finish strongly in the top third of the field of 6,000.

Next year the goal is the Axel Merckx Fondo and riding a century (160 kms) around the Penticton area. The Gran Fondo is as close as humans can get to riding a bicycle on the sun. Bring it on.

Training Rides - Observations

Here is a short list of items seen along the highways and roads while training:
1.  Infinite number of bungee cords
2.  Infinite number of empty beer cans
3.  More than 5 abandoned couches
4.  2 toilets
5.  3 refrigerators
6.  1 bra
7.  1 dildo and pump thing
8.  1 full box of nicorette patches
9.  1 truck gas tank including gas spill
10. 1 Spare truck tyre on rim

Team Reeling after TdF

Now that the tour is over, Team Vitesse can return to regular training. An independent analysis of Barry Hamlin's handling of the management is revealing. It appears that Mr. Hamlin did not receive Johan's message that he was at the helm. As a result Team Vitesse squandered many chances to "get in the mix" and "stir the pot".  In fact no member of Team Vitesse actually made it to any stage start.  It seemed the team was working from the 2005 stage calendar. 

However, h2o was able to get in some wonderful riding on gravel roads, honing his skills for a rural unpaved stage race someday in the future.  

Team Vitesse Management ACTION Figures!

In answer to overwhelming demand, Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has created incredibly life-like action figures of Barry Hamlin and Johan. Order yours today!

Stay tuned for future announcements about Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory Employee Action Figures!

Team Vitesse Action Figures

Hey Kids! Action figures of all you favourite stars of Team Vitesse are now available from Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory! Collect one or collect them all and become the envy of your friends and other people. These action figures are molded from hard to get plastic resources too numerous to mention. Perfect for race visualization while listening to live updates on your wireless! Coming soon! Johan and Barry Hamlin action figures in 3D.

Ask the Pros - a new Feature

A new irregular feature is hereby launched on the cycling cosmonaut blog. Entitled "Ask the Pros", frequently asked questions will be fielded by Team Vitesse professionals. Today's "Ask the Pros" is the simmering issue: HOW DOES THE PRO PELETON DEAL WITH NASAL EXPECTORATION?. We went to Lampo Bianco for his groggy response, "What is nasal expectoration?" Nasal Expectoration is known indelicately among certain members of the cylcing community as the launch of SNOT ROCKETS. Lampo is of at least 2 minds on snot rockets during racing. No one can deny the powerful tactical advantage a rider has being a prodigious snot rocket launcher. Johan is an advocate of a combination of Heavy Drop and nasal expectoration in any sprint finish. Those behind the expectorator must maneuver through a virtual mine field of compromised road surfaces. Advantage - Expectorator. Lampo has also been the recipient of direct hits to the ankle from errant snot rockets. He confessed that these horrors are the main reason he shaves his legs. Courtesy dictates that a rider pull out of the peleton or drop off the back to clear his passages. However, in the rarefied tactical positioning of the professional peleton, this nasal weapon cannot be ignored or underestimated. Barry Hamlin put it best stating, "When you ride with or against Team Vitesse, you must be prepared for everything!"

Johan's Duress

the embattled Johan continues to deflects USADA (United States Anti-Doofus Agency)allegations over the use of performance enhancing doofuses (doofi). Barry Hamlin will step in as interim director sportif for Team Vitesse. In the early part of his career, Mr. Hamlin became known for his successful management of a Burger Baron outlet in rural Montana. He will apply his considerable french fry knowledge to the Tour de France. "They eat fries don't they?" exclaimed the venerable industrial designer. Johan sees his absence from the cycling limelight as a temporary setback for the team. Lampo Bianco is quoted as bawling "I still believe in Johan!". Dr. K2 sounded vexed when he said, "What Will Johan Do?". h2o was more sanguine about the situation describing it as merely "a tempest in a haystack" and "an elephant under the rug".

Johan Calls Special Practice

In preparation for the certain wild card invitation to the Tour de France, Team Vitesse will concentrate specifically on mountain top finishes. Simulations are set to run in which each rider will approach a virtual finish line. During the last 10 meters, the rider will practice zipping up his jersey for maximum sponsor advertising exposure. If you remember last year at the Tour, Lampo Bianco crossed the line at Verbier with his jersey flapping in the breeze. Officials at Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory were displeased at this missed advertising opportunity as Lampo crossed the line 169th on the day. Johan will address this situation from the comfort of his Lake Como home. He will record special instructions on cassette tape to be played by Team Vitesse on their Walkmans.

h2o Suffers Mechanical

Yesterday's 300 kilometer training ride proved quite eventful for h2o. During a particularly daring maneuver, h2o's front derailleur went pear shaped both literally and figuratively. h2o was drafting behind an 18 wheeler transport uphill on an overpass trying to beat the traffic light. During high load Heavy Drop cycle stresses, the front derailleur did not respond to his request. He ended up sprinting for glory in a 36/11 configuration which can safely be called the Lame Drop. Upon reflection, h2o has made the suggestion that PE5GW follow these epic training rides in a support vehicle and be able to provide either a replacement bike OR mechanical support while moving. It is obvious that the driver of the support car should be able to drive the car and lean out of the window to adjust or even replace a front derailleur. This is exactly What Johan Would Do if he wasn't tied up babysitting the Schleck sisters.