New Product from HL88

Ever the innovator, Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has set to work to increase cycling enjoyment for the professional peleton right on down to the catagory 6 commuter. Extensive testing in real race conditions by Lampo Bianco ensures that the newest product is unique yet effective.

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory is proud to announce the HL88 Nipple Cover. Who among us has not suffered the indignity of cold nipples or even endured the pain of having a nipple stuck by flying debris while charging down the finishing straight?

HL88's R&D department has found the solution! Do not be fooled by cheap imitations. Only HL88 has genuine Nipple Covers* with Plywoodium*

The Origin of Pain

I must express my sincere apologies for neglecting to update this blog with Team Vitesse information. Having returned from a fact finding mission to WORC (Western Oceanographic Research Cosmodrome), there is much information to share. PE5GW and h2o travelled through scenic British Columbia and made a special visit to view the original Pain Cave. Now a national historic site, the Pain Cave once boasted the largest inventory of suitcases full of courage.

It is posited that neanderthals meandered through this lovely area with massive hunger pangs in search of a legendary "Pain in the Cave", a place to staunch their terrific appetites. It is thought that this is how the Pain Cave got its distinctive name. Shown below is a special table (circa 1788) clearly designed for travellers. The table allows a traveller to carefully open her or his suitcase of courage, the contents of which might have shifted during the journey.

Possibly more remarkable than the Pain Cave and the "table", is the strange and wonderful Splat Falls. This clip was surreptitiously recorded without the express written consent of anyone at all.

Mr. C Creates 2 Slugs

Today's ripper around the lake once again saw carnage. h2o set off on his trusty sled, Mr. C, and maintained a lung bursting pace until the unthinkable happened. Legs churning to gain the maximum benefit of a heavy drop on a downhill, h2o ended the life of a 3 inch long slug. The slug was neatly cleaved in two by the crabon wheel set equipped with schwalbe 28mm tyres. It is hoped that the slug felt less pain than being sprinkled with salt and left to writhe on the tarmac.

h2o is in training for what will be an epic showdown against his teammate and protected rider, Lampo Bianco. LB's low altitude training schedule of walking to his vehicle leaves the door wide open for h2o. He blew out some lung loogies on a short rippling ride with LB and h2o is now ready to capitalize on laughable languishing lung logistics.

Whoa R Bikes

It was with great sadness that I witnessed so many bicycles left to deal with the elements strapped to the backs or on top of vehicles in the rainstorm on Highway 1. Thanks to the sacrifice in comfort made by PE5GW and wiener dog George, Mr. Colnago got to ride inside the vehicle. Mr. C was most appreciative and Johan is considering a medal of commendation for PE5GW. 

After debarking the ferry, a quick inspection of the WORC was performed. Someone must have tipped off the staff at WORC because a newly painted sign hung over the entry to the palatial premises. Hat Model, mini LB and Lampo Bianco himself were among the dignitaries welcoming the delegation from the other cosmodrome. Gluten free snacks were consumed in celebration. "Very impressive" and "Holy Doodle" were just some of the exclamations uttered. 

h2o and PE5GW repaired to their executive yurt for the evening to enjoy goat milk slurpees.  

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One world, two wheels

Korean Style Pain Relief

h2o's cycling career has long been marred by injury. Yet he continues to reap victory after victory thanks to wily tactics such as the heavy drop and attacking in feed zones and during nature breaks. Recently, he has sought pain relief from a Korean mystic, recommended by Johan.

Low intensity laser treatment followed by hours of Johan's special "tough love" verbal abuse has drastically reduced h2o's complaining. Couple that with a kinesiologic tape job in the form of the Korean symbol of healing AND anarchy means that h2o has rejoined the professional peleton ready to rip it up (referring to his knee and the road).

h20 and PE5GW are preparing to visit the WORC (Western Oceanographic Research Cosmodrome) and h2o will be testing the tape against Lampo Bianco. Lampo, still fresh from his Ride to Conquer Cold Arm, has been training at low altitude and has been receiving regular inspiring voice mails from Johan. He will make a formidable opponent for h2o and his 1.5 legged riding style.

HL88's New Bag Inventory

When not testing plywoodium tolerances or investigating the menace of Cold Arm, Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has been getting back to basics in the cosmodrome. In this case the cosmodramatic workers have been busy creating a new line of courier bags.

Shown above with the security detail are 2 of the shoulder bags now undergoing thorough testing.

Each bag may be wholly or partially waterproof having been lined with an orange plastic membrane. They are 100% guaranteed to have some blood of the maker spilled and dried somewhere in or on the bag.

This mondo unit even has an internal pocket plus it can easily carry one pair of trousers, one dress shirt, one medium sized lunch, a bicycle repair kit, one notebook, one lock, a pen and a banana.

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has always been concerned with branding. The great company is launching the bags under the brand HL88 VELO. Katchy and Kool n'est pas?

Closure remains one of the biggest obstacles to creating the ultimate shoulder bag. Shown below, HL88 is experimenting with shock cord and totemic animal buttons.
Production is expected to be ramped up due to overwhelming interest and low low pricing!
Do not hesitate to contact the other cosmodrome at h2o@cyclingcosmonaut.com to reserve your HL88 VELO bag today. Waiting time is already estimated to be 11 months.

CAFIB Q&A

I am shocked and dismayed to have to post a recent comment under "CAT 6 Racing Supported by Science".

"Is the CAFIB compatible with the "other" wrist decoration? You know, the yellow one that has"Lovestring" on it...."

Anyone who purports to follow this blog must realize the importance of fighting Cold Arm and the unifying purpose of the CAFIB. By its very definition, the CAFIB is an exclusive accouterments, whose plywoodium power trumps a pathetic yellow rubber band. To address the question from the misguided commenter, the CAFIB only enhances the yellow band but works best with unimpeded access to Within Power (i.e. screw the yellow rubber band).

The yellow rubber band in question springs from noble intent. Sadly its main proponent continues to deflect doping allegations. His defense so far is "I never tested positive" implies guilt. He should ask himself "What Would Johan Do?". Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory feels that his continued aversion to the truth only weakens the rubber in much the same way that sunlight desiccates plastic.

Corporate culture at HL88 embraces all dopers past and present. Plywoodium, the building block of the CAFIB, is strong like bull. From the pages of Johan's little red book comes this nugget: "Forgiveness is a dish best served with a CAFIB on each wrist."

Cat 6 Racing supported by Science

According to a paper by the Swiss economists Bruno Frey and Alois Stutzer, a person with a one-hour car commute must earn 40 % more money to have a sense of well-being equal to someone who walks (or rides their bike) to work. Fey and Stutzer say that people underestimate the down side of a long commute when choosing a home, and that psychologically, a long commute often negates the benefits gained by living in the suburbs.

“People spend a lot of time commuting and often find it a burden. According to economics, the burden of commuting is chosen when compensated either on the labour or on the housing market so that individuals’ utility is equalized. However, in a direct test of this strong notion of equilibrium, we find that people with longer commuting time report systematically lower subjective well-being. Additional empirical analyses do not find institutional explanations of the empirical results that commuters systematically incur losses. We discuss several possibilities of an extended model of human behavior able to explain this “commuting paradox”.

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has long held the position that wearing a CAFIB while commuting immediately increases the sense of well being for all racers in the Cat 6.

HL88 Product alert

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has taken the unprecedented action of warning its many world wide customers of a potential problem. Plywood is synonymous with HL88 and ubiquitous in their range of cycling accessories. Musette bags developed by the manufactory are made of the elemental form of plywood known as plywoodium (atomic weight = 88).

After a single complaint by one of the 2 owners of plywoodium bags, HL 88 has issued a product warning. Over ripe bananas can be lost inside the plywood interior of the bag, blending with the moray pattern in a nefarious manner. This is the first time in the history of the fabled Team Vitesse sponsor that a problem with plywood has been reported and it is likely to be the last.

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory continues to live up to their motto "creating problems for existing solutions".

Johan's Unspeakable Passion

We all know and love the ribald antics of Johan, the omniscient manager of Team Vitesse. His tough love, dreadful gambling luck, seeming indifference to cycling and his habit of coaching with a hangover from bed all serve to remind us how truly reviled and revered he is within and without the peleton. During one of his rare conscious moments at the Tour this year, Johan agreed to reveal some of his private passions besides the obvious chicks, booze and drug lifestyle choices. Few people know that Johan is a collector of rare preferably ancient musical instruments and holds a degree from the University of Ulan Bator in rare and preferably ancient musical instrument identification. Armed with in depth knowledge and a keen desire, Johan has slowly aquired an exquisite collection of instruments of the world. Never satisfied with a mere sackbutor crumhorn, Johan seeks out more obscure corners of musical history.

When not managing 2 professional cycling teams, Johan scours the world web for deals. A certain Mr. Ahmadinejad of Iran was selling the strange and unique "dyadinidruel" and Johan snapped it up at at a bargain price roughly equal to the operating budget of Team Vitesse. No matter, for who would not desire such an instrument as this (unfortunately in artist sketch form only). Johan quite rightly fears that camera flashes and sunlight would damage the dyadinidruel. Ancient cave drawings show that this instrument was played mostly by children during recess.

No doubt Johan will organize the hearty bleating of the Dyadinidruel; likely blown and plucked by children during this year's Tour de France on rainy overcast days in the high mountains. The dyadinidruel will likely replace the Johorn as a fan favourite.