Cockle Art now on display

The deadline for submissions for the ART Contest, sponsored by Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory, closed recently. The ART Contest parameters restricted the artists to an artful concept of cockles. The winning submission, pictured above, is called "The Burgeoning of Cocklization - pre and post testing". This incredibly evocative piece is the work of 88 year old amateur artist A. Krillick. Even though Ms. Krillick is not a competitive cyclist, her subtle, heart-felt grasp of cockles has the ability to squeeze and massage our emotions. Her perceptive acumen in capturing and clenching the essence of cockles in this conceptual tour-de-force commands our respect.

The winning artist receives the patented Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory "Most Abundance of Euphoric Youth Booth". The world famous portable hyperbaric chamber attaches to any bathtub to create the atmosphere necessary to recapture lost youth. Congratulations and many thanks to the other entrant.

Singular Signings Slake Search for Success

Team Vitesse is proud to announce the signing of two former stars of the peleton. Pierre Portez-la-Bouteille and Dirk Draagfles will support the stars in the Team Vitesse pantheon at the Smoky Lake training centre. Both riders have impressive palmares including two top 159 finishes in the 2008 Tour de Napa Valley. In addition to the obvious advantage their names imply, they are committed to random out-of-competition cockle testing and the team sponsor, Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory. Portez-la Bouteille exclaimed, "I am happy to put my cockles in the hands of professionals". "The super absorbent rain cape will be very useful in Holland!" quipped Draagfles.
You can imagine the excitement and optimisim these riders bring to a team wishing to whet its whistle with wins.

Cockle Testing Abduction - Part 2

We pick up the compelling story of one man's out of competition random cockle test.

CC: How did the Manilow music make you feel?
BJ: It would not be my first choice for listening pleasure but it added a certain mood to the wood panelled boogie van. I sat back against the plywood bench and tried to relax. I knew that maintaining a calm state of contentment would mitigate the intrusiveness of the cockle test. With "Crackling Rosie" pounding through the 1/2 inch speakers, I began to believe that the Happy Lucky 88 cockle testers were trained professionals.
CC: What made you doubt their authenticity in the first place?
BJ: their purple latex gloves. That and the fact that they were arguing about the instruction manual. Happy Lucky 88's directions seemed to be unintelligible to the technicians. When I regained consciousness I was told that the results would be mailed to me 3 weeks after they had been released to the press. It didn't sound fair but i was in no position to argue with my cockles in a compromised position.
CC: How did your cockles feel after the test?
BJ: About the same really. Maybe a bit warmer than normal with a tingle indicating excessive handling. I got a purple latex thumbs up from all the techs when I was dropped off at the gate of Johan's Lake Como villa. Apparently my cockles were tested in flight to Italy.
CC: Any last words for our reader?
BJ: The key to passing a cockle test is go to your quiet place and remain alert. Being a lert cannot be overemphasized. Warm tingly feelings in the cockles is a good thing...I hope. Eventually all pro riders must submit to having their cockles tested. I am glad mine is over for this month.

Not so Happy Lucky 88

This neglected bicycle did not have the benefit of Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory's most excellent Super Absorbent Rain Cape. If the owner had taken advantage of the special holiday offer he or she would not be confronted with this sorry sight. Team Vitesse joins Happy Lucky 88 in wishing that all neglectful cyclists purchase a rain cape today.

I WAS ABDUCTED BY COCKLE TESTERS - an exclusive report -PART 1

A team member's intimate and touching story of a random cockle test follows. We will call the rider Big Jim (BJ) to protect his privacy.

Cycling Cosmonaut: Tell us how you were contacted by the authorities.
Big Jim: A white van stopped in front of my residence at 0800 hours. 8 burly men in white lab coats stood at my door wearing purple latex gloves. I will never forget those purple latex gloves as long as I live.
CC: You must have been scared...did they identify themselves?
BJ: I had received the cockle briefing notes from Johan but I had no idea who they were until I saw the Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory logo on their uniforms. Then I knew my cockles were going to be tested. Instinctively I felt my cockles adopting a defensive posture.
CC: What happened next?
BJ: 2 of the men threw a black bag over my head and I was bundled into the back of the idling van. I realized that struggle was useless against their superior numbers. I remember that the van's interior smelled like a mixture of cumin tinged sweat, lavender and burnt electrical circuits. The music was remarkable.
CC: Can you remember what you heard?
BJ: Over the shouts and murmurs of the testing men I thought I heard the toe tapping vocal stylings of Barry Manilow. I felt warm and comfortable in my Happy Lucky 88 pyjamas as the blue and red electrodes were attached...

Please return to Cycling Cosmonaut for PART 2 of this EXCLUSIVE report -I had my Cockles Tested...

Readers' Forum -- Q&A

If the SMEVEC 88T is as good as it sounds the entire racing world would be using it as part of their off season training strategy.
How many teams have actually signed on to SMEVEC to date?

So far the only team to have signed a deal with Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory is Team Vitesse. This collaboration has produced some excellent products which have pushed the envelope of racing and drawn a line in the sand to which other companies must step up to the plate.

How do you expect SMEVEC to actually affect the outcome of 2009's time trials?

Team Vitesse has spent the last month in a training camp near Smoky Lake. The performance tracking capabilities of the SMEVEC 88T indicate a steady improvement for all team members. If it rains on time trial day, the combination of Super Absorbent Rain Cape, the SMEVEC 88T and a downhill course will undoubtedly give Team Vitesse a distinct advantage. Which other team can produce calculations based on Onsager Reciprocal Relations (the 4th Law of Thermodynamics) during race conditions? The other huge advantage that Team Vitesse will have is the Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking. This ferring integrates seamlessly with the Super Absorbent Rain Cape and the SMEVEC.
Once the other teams see the wisdom of riding with 25 or 30 kilos of aerodynamic plywood they will be lining up to get on the Happy Lucky 88 bandwagon.

SMEVEC Submariner Revelations!

A Team Vitesse colleague based in London, England reports that the new revolutionary cycling computer, the SMEVEC 88T, works underwater! Details are sketchy, however it is believed that team member "Night Train" rode off a pier near Dover and was able to calculate her speed of descent while plunging to the bottom of the North Sea. At the same time she managed to prove, to 2 decimal places, the standard atomic weight of molybdenum (95.94 g-mol).
Kudos to Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory for developing such a versatile product and to Night Train for her dedication to science under adverse conditions.

Heavenly Enhancement from Happy Lucky 88

The SMEVEC 88T has finally arrived in North America. The long awaited PROFESSIONAL model of biofeedback information technology emanates from the innovators of such exciting products as the "Panel of Sponsor" and "Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking". Actually used by Team Vitesse under race conditions in a professional peleton, SMEVEC 88T's functionality, sleek Hyper-aerodynamic Input Performance* (HIP) and high volume deliverable interface have solidified the reputation of Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory in the industry.

Insert foto shows the optional Globe Positioning System upgrade. The GPS can be easily attached to the flight deck platform using Happy Lucky 88's trademark adhesive. The Formulaic Option Computation (FOC) were previously posted on this site. The FOC posting demonstrates only a small portion of possible possibilities from the interface between rider and SMEVEC.

Every SMEVEC 88T comes complete with the diverting "Elated Guide to Sublime Interface" command sheet. Happy Lucky 88's team of engineer won the prestigious 2008 "Golden Mind of Contentment" award for his clipped and turgid writing style in this engaging document.

Now you can solve for unknown unknowns or measure and enjoy thermodynamic transfer rates, gas volumetrics, complex chemical compound weights -- all while riding your bicycle with the Sublime Motion Elated Velocity Enlightenment Computation!

Now there is nothing stopping you from leaving the peleton behind with the SMEVEC 88T!