Process Clarification - EPO

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory wishes to clarify the process being applied to plywood when included in the sports drink, Exhalted Performance Output.

Tricubic downsampling produces higher and more efficient nutritional retention quotients than the more commonly used bicubic downsampling.

Management apologizes for any confusion this may have caused.

EPO - the last word in Performance

Once again, Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory in conjunction with Team Vitesse, is pleased to announce a performance boost for cyclists at all levels. The next generation of performance supplements, EXHALTED PERFORMANCE OUTPUT, also known by its acronym EPO, is set to revolutionize your energy and power productivity. Comprising 14 active ingredients including dengue berries and synthetic rhinoceros horn, the power to mass ratio equivalency is guaranteed to improve any cyclist's performance. The new tricubic downsampling process exclusive to Happy Lucky 88 means that plywood's life-giving essence is inherent in EVERY bottle.

The management of Happy Lucky 88 believes strongly in this product and has developed monikers for these miraculous flavoured energy liquids. Red EPO is available under the brand name, Fuentes Fizz. It targets riders who desire a sustained performance window. Cyclists looking for immediate results on mountain stages will find yellow EPO or Pee-Poli very satisfactory.

Happy Lucky 88 flirts with Ratio

A lot of discussion has appeared concerning the UCI's enforcement of an obscure Rule concerning Time Trial equipment. UCI code 1.3.024 states that the ratio between the length and the width of equipment cannot exceed 3:1. Nervousness swept through the peleton with potential last-minute changes necessary to the time trial machines. This rule could potentially affect the famed Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking, the ferring made of plywood specially designed for Team Vitesse time trials. Fortunately, Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory are blissfully unaware of the UCI rule book and were able to design the Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking, unfettered by any restrictions or preconceptions. Happy Lucky 88 always has the cyclists' best interests at heart. We contacted Johan at a Texas Health Spa who quipped, "Why is everything made of plywood?". Oh Johan, you are so humourous...

Introducing the SMEVEC 88T Companion Wonder Atlas

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory is proud to introduce a companion world atlas for the biofeedback system known as the SMEVEC 88T. Advertised as being "Very Useful Depending On Your Location", the Wonder Atlas is now included with every SMEVEC system purchased.

Examples of the incredible detail in page after page of the Wonder Atlas.

From the street in some Greek town to a road somewhere in the Arab lands, the Wonder Atlas never ceases to be amazingly useful.

If you are like me and have mused about the sea trenches in the Mediteranean while on a training ride, then the Wonder Atlas will satisfy your curiousity.

Produced by the Most Agreeable Printing Company (all rights reserved).

Wind Culvert tests blow away the competition

As Team Vitesse makes its slow, methodical and incremental progress around the Mediterranean panhandle, Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has been busy improving the team's equipment. In particular, the famed Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking has received rigorous wind tunnel testing. The San Diego wind tunnel, where most other professional teams have been testing rider's positioning, was unavailable to our Happy Lucky 88 engineer. Instead, the testing took place in a large culvert joining 2 grazing leases in Southern Alberta. Once the cattle dung had been removed, the Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking was attached to a bicycle and placed in the "tunnel". Cigar smoke was blown over the ferring on a very windy day. Adjustments were made to the setup. The results prove that the Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking can improve all Team Vitesse time trial results. The Team has no concerns that minimum weight standards dictated by the UCI will be a problem. "Our time trial equipment is 14 times heavier than the UCI standards", boasted a Team Vitesse member.

Manage Your World with SMEVEC 88T

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory is pleased to announce an upgrade to the SMEVEC 88T, their exciting on board cycling computer. The simple modular nature of the SMEVEC system facilitates regular changes to any of the easy-to-use components. The redrawing of national borders and the emergence of new countries has made the original globe on the "Globe Positioning System" outdated. Therefore, the Manufactory has signed an exclusive agreement with the company Most Agreeable Printing Company (MAP Co.) to put the new Globe in "Globe Positioning System".
A MAP Co. spokesperson said that the new globe will be larger and have enough detail to include countries such as Chad, Argentina and even Yugoslavia! Is it any surprise that Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory is synonymous with excellence in cycling?

Vitesse HQ on the Rocks

Our on-board correspondent reports that the SS Wherethehellarewe, carrying the Team Vitesse motorhome, has run aground off the coast of Phoenicia. Using ancient marine charts photocopied at the British Museum, the skipper apparently misjudged the winds and was lured onto the rocks by a siren. There was no damage to the motorhome which was thrown ashore by the violent jolt. Some of the Team's equipment shifted in the container but no serious damage was done to those resilient plywood products including the Super Absorbent Rain Cape and the SMEVEC 88T. The team is now faced with a 6,500 kilometer training ride from Phoenicia's capital, Byblos, to Northern France for the Paris-Roubaix race on April 12.
Obviously if the ship's captain had used the revolutionary SMEVEC 88T with its patented GPS (Globe Positioning System), he would have run aground in a more contemporary location.

United Colours of PLYCRA

Johan was reached at his Lake Como villa. "I just heard about the PLYCRA but I don't know what the hell is it. What happens when the Team steps onto the podium...why do you interrupt my reverie for this already yet?"

Johan's concerns have been addressed by the engineer at Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory. PLYCRA has been designed to accept stain much the same as other wood products. In preparation for the Tour, Happy Lucky 88 has prepared the following wood stains to correlate with the expected podium success of Team Vitesse:

• Yellow Jersey (overall Tour leader) - Ultimate River of Yellow Warmth stain
• Green Jersey (points leader) - Serenity Verdure of Green Tea stain
• Polka dot Jersey (king of the mountains) - Red of the masses on field of windswept immaculate snow stain
• White Jersey (best young rider) - Ulan Bator immaculate snow stain

When Team members win these symbolic Tour jerseys, the stain is simply sprayed directly on their PLYCRA kit and is expected to dry within 48 hours. Any performance enhancing effects of the fumes fall well below the rigorous tolerance criteria of the Cockle test. Once again Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has proven itself proficient in adapting plywood technology for any eventuality. Is there anything they can't do with plywood??

PLYCRA adheres to Tradition

Team Vitesse is proud to unveil its 2009 jersey. A specially designed miracle fabric, PLYCRA, was produced by Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory to the strict specifications of Team Vitesse. PLYCRA has all the benefits of current micro-fibre technologies plus all the layering qualities, weight and tensile strength of plywood. PLYCRA is "good one side" so riders will never wear their jerseys inside out.
The innovative "Panel of Sponsor" (previously reviewed on this site) is easily shrink wrapped to the back of the rider and blends seamlessly with the PLYCRA jersey.
Team Vitesse will certainly cut a fine figure through the wind at the front of the peleton wearing the new PLYCRA jersey from Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory.

Global Downturn unglues Plywood

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory's line of products for professional cyclists owes its appeal to the world renowned construction material, plywood. Much of the Manufactory's supply is produced in-house but the recent economic downturn has affected the supply of raw plywood. Fewer plywood farms have been cultivated and new plywood orchards are not being planted.
Happily, Happy Lucky 88's team of engineers foresaw the looming negative plywood gap and have been developing alternative construction materials. One technology that is showing promise is condensed recycled newsprint tentatively called plyprint board. Besides increasing the absorbency of the Super Absorbent Rain Cape, plyprint's higher density per square meter means that the Rain Cape's total weight can be increased proportionately.

Cardboard is also being considered for the low stress structural challenges of the Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking. Engineers are currently attempting to reduce the turbulence created by a plywood-cardboard interface.

Rest assured that the patented Plywood Interface, an integral part of the Cockle Test, will not be compromised by a scarcity of plywood, that wondrous miracle building block of Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory.