Studs on Bikes - Timing is Everything

This winter has been a roller coaster of temperature fluctuations. With unpredictable regularity, we celebrate thaws of plus 6 degrees C followed by short periods of minus 20. The highways and byways of this fair city have been caked in rutted ice or water depending on the day of the week and the hour of the day.

This is the time when studs on bikes really come into their own. Studs feel in control, secure and at one with the road. The studded tyres really assist with this self delusion. Whether encountering sheets of newly frozen puddles or cruising over vast lengths of rutted ice terrain, the stupid cyclist has no fear when equipped with studs. Studded tyres are heavier than regular rubber by 2 or 3 times. They are noisy and generate excessive friction when travelling across bare pavement. I am constantly assessing the road conditions, each day I wondering when it might be best to remove my most excellent NOKIAN ice tyres. What is the optimal percentage of dry road to ice-covered frozen hell of the north that will allow me to go back to regular rubber?

Some say that studs are an insurance policy against hitting the floor. I know I feel a tiny thrill when my front or back wheel slips - and then everything starts coming up roses when a stud grabs the ice. I know all is right in my choice of equipment at that moment. But as I agonize about whether to change my tyres, I realize how trivial it all is. I really should be worrying about how I look, my koolness factor if you will, rather than my safety.

All you doubters eat my ice chips.

A Tale of 2 Bags - Dog Owners Rejoice

Winter riding presents multiple challenges including cold, wind, ice, driving snow, drivel, freezing rain, and cold. My large feet are the most vulnerable to cold, as they faithfully pound the pedals, moving up and down but not really generating heat. Sizing of the fancy pants winter cycling boots as reviewed on redbike do not approach the requirements of my mammoth hooves.

One old wife tells a tale of putting sock clad appendages into plastic bags before shoving them into boots. Yesterday's commute started at minus 24 degrees C with an uncharitable windchill of minus 33. I reasoned that if ever there was a morning to prove the plastic bag theory, it would be that day. My right foot was encased in an Italian Centre bag and my left foot was placed in a Safeway bag. Dog owners around the world know that Safeway plastic bags are vastly inferior. They often have holes, tear easily, and are prone to epic catastrophic failure. Italian Centre bags, on the other hand, are made of a more robust plastic making them stronger, more durable and highly prized by canine cleanup crews.

I set off in my multiple foot layering system, bombing over vast stretches of ice left by the rain/snow/deep freeze mix of the past weekend. Curiously I began to sense that my right foot (Italian bag) was colder than my left foot (Safeway bag). Indeed upon arrival at Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory headquarters, I became convinced that Italian bags were inferior in heat retention-deflection to the Safeway version. I can only conclude that I have stumbled upon a solution to employ those otherwise useless Safeway plastic bags. Go forth with bags on your feet and enjoy the warm sweet sweat between your warmish toes while you pick up dog stuff with your Ital bags.

Mollie Moonbeam Passes

It is with great sadness that the cycling world mourns one of its inspirational canines. Mollie Moonbeam, faithful friend and 4 legged companion of Pointy Elbow 5 Grinder Wife for 14.5 years, left her duties as one of Team Vitesse's mascots yesterday after a short illness.

Mollie Moonbeam was a Shetlands sheep dog. Her strong herding instincts were always on display whenever the routine afternoon walk was imminent. Mollie's demeanor was one befitting a Princess. Never a fan of baths or combing, Mollie would invariably prance for all to behold after any grooming by her human.

She held the post as Queen of the local chapter of the DWDC "Dogs Who Detest Cats" for a number of years, an honour bestowed on canines who display excessive vigour in feline chases. Mollie kept an invading cat in a tree for 2 days just to prove a point. Her speed and agility was legendary. She was an excellent traveller, never complaining on road trips. Considering herself royalty, Mollie was particularly insistent that protocol and routine be followed whether it was for dinner, treats or eye drops followed by treats. She braved any weather and would quietly suffer the indignity of booties her human thought she needed in cold weather. After retiring from public office, Mollie passed enjoyable days sleeping in soft sunshine on the grounds of the cosmodrome. Thank you Mollie for your calm and loyal presence.

Brave new Posting

The illustrious history of this blog is riven with wonderful third party depictions of life as a member of Team Vitesse. Henceforth and forthwith, the reporter behind the hilarity has decided to step out from under the crash helmet. I and h2o (hammer of holland) are actually the same person. Just today as I rode to Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory HQ to assume my duties in accounting, I noted 2 wascally wabbits cavorting by the path. They were developing brown spots on their backs. This must be a sure sign that our cold labours near a melting conclusion.

Meteorologists Vex Vitesse

The first day of February in the frozen north was a very cool day. Weather oracles are always consulted in order to establish an overall "feel" for what the day will bring. Experience tells us that no one weather forecaster is ever 50% correct.

Minus 25 Centigrade was the general consensus and happens to be the threshold of pain for h2o. The steady 25 kmph south wind didn't sound like a big problem. Having dressed in layer after layer of multi-coloured flammable material topped with an old pair of wool dress pants, h2o entered the frigid fray. The words of Augustus, Emperor of Rome 63 to 19 AD, appeared in a cold induced vision as h2o forced his steed forward. "FESTINA LENTE" or "Make Haste Slowly" floated in the frozen mist lit by h2o's quickly dying battery powered lighting system. Easy words to follow since haste was impossible to make with frozen grease and toes. Praise and make offerings to the God Moderator who has blessed us with temps closer to zero.

Vitesse Reaction to "el Pistolero" Ban

News of Alberto's possible 1 year ban from professional cycling hit Johan and Team Vitesse like a side of warm beef in an unrefrigerated meat locker. Johan was first to react musing "how can a rider complete a grand tour as a vegetarian? To be a man one must eat animal flesh. This was obvious even caveman cyclists such as Mario Cippolini".

Dr. K2 has begun working with scientists at Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory to study how wild ungulates, who eat only plant life, manage to run long distances seemingly at will. "There must be something in our verdant terrestrial covering that can be harnessed for cycling!", enthused Vitesse's climbing talent. Between spoonfuls, Lampo Bianco managed to blub, "mashed peas taste yummy with little or no aftertaste." h2o was more strident in his view of developments bellowing, "I will eat no more liver than I currently consume no matter what Johan says." As always the last word goes to Johan who proclaimed "Team Vitesse will continue to influence the outcome of UCI blood tests by whatever means possible. Of course El Pistolero is welcome to pay me to ride on Team Vitesse."

Vitesse lends Hammer to Local Constabulary

Winter training rides are commonplace as Team Vitesse prepares for the spring classic season. Johan graciously organizes a police escort for the safety of his protected riders, in this case h2o. An unprecedented snowfall of epic proportions has blanketed training routes around the Westmount Cosmodrome. The deep layer of precip has morphed into a turgid mix of brown sugar, ice, gravel and other unknown heavenly detritus. This deadly mixture of wheel sucking miasma overwhelmed the blue and white cruiser meant to usher h2o on his 4 kilometer jaunt. What transpired next will serve Team Vitesse and Johan in years to come.

The situation appeared hopeless and all hope was going limp like the straw that stirred the camel's drink. Through the magic of modern communications, Johan insisted that h2o assume command of the police cruiser as the hapless constable chipped at the ice buildup. h2o slipped behind the controls of the vehicle and tapped gently on the accelerator. The engine roared to life; exuding enough power to burn rubber as if standing still which indeed it was. After much to and fro rocking, h2o managed to free the car with a modicum of assistance from the copper. The temptation to take off at high speed was great but the sage words of Johan echoed over race radio. "Don't blow this good karma. I still have to beat the DIY charges." h2o did not continue the training ride feeling that enough energy had been expended driving the cop car.

Thanks to you, Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has become a powerhouse in the world cycling accessories. Demand remains strong for the Super Absorbent Rain Cape and the CAFIB. If you follow these pages at all you will know that HL88 has a jolly avuncular relationship with the pro cycling Team Vitesse. The riders on that team enjoy "prosumer" status. Not only does the team perform much of the field testing of new Manufactory products, team members pay a modest 8% premium for the same product that is available to consumers.
HL88 wants to acknowledge that incredible support with a special commemorative key fob. The Manufactory has created this fetching key fob made of plywoodium offcuts. Each fob has been carefully sanded by trained professionals. This product will enhance any key management system you can imagine. Every prosumer receives a free Plywoodium key fob with any purchase between now and August 8th. Quantities are unlimited. If you are currently a consumer and wish to become a prosumer simply add 8% to every purchase. HL88 will do the rest.

Pebble Penetration - The New Menace

Riding during the winter months provides challenges which seem unthinkable to the layman or woman. Layering, tyre choices, Cold Arm, spectacle fogging, and frightful weather conditions are just some of the obstacles bested each day by h2o.

One problem that has received little or no attention to this point in time is an emerging phenomena tentatively called Pebble Penetration. Initial studies have shown that lugged rear tyres transfer small gravel from the actual road surface and deposits the irritants in the shoes of the cyclist. Upon lighting from his steed the cyclist suffers immeasurable aggravation in his lower extremities.

True to its intrepid mission statement, Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has stepped up with a solution likely to be duplicated by other cycling team sponsors.

The Pebble Penetration Protection System has been unleashed on an unsuspecting particle population (double click image for viewing enhancement). Using a clever concoction of duck tape and plywood, a blocking system which funnels the offensive particles away from the ankle is now being used by Team Vitesse. Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has got your back and foot.

WHAT HL88 IS DOING

You may have heard about the product recalls that Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has had to make recently. Cycling Cosmonaut would like to bring you up to date on them and what HL88 is doing to make things right for you and your family.

Just the other day, they decided to pull about 25 million boxes of their most popular performance cereal, POW!er Pro-Seed Flax Melange (with actual raisins) out of stores world wide. This is not because they had to but because they decided to. Apparently the liner bags were found to contain a possible health hazard. You might say, "What's the problem...who eats the bag?" HL88 is not taking any chances and will be happy to send a legal liability release suitable for framing to the first eighty eight thousand people who send HL88 a proof of purchase seal. Once the release is returned to the Manufactory a small plywood token of appreciation will be sent back free of charge.

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory is not stopping there. They are also recalling every 8 kilogram container of Pro Pumpkin Butter Puree manufactured between 1997 and 2008. Some consumers of this performance enhancing product feel that there is something just not right about the puree. HL88's philosophy is that bad things happen to good companies all the time. The recalls simply prove that HL88 has you and your family's best interests at heart.

Happy New Year from Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory.