Chimeric twin cockless? A Retort

This positive test comes as a surprise and we regret any bad press this cockle test has generated for our sponsor (that's what we have to say correct?...just checking....make sure this line gets deleted!!). We hope that following a lengthy trial our experts will prove that the cockles that were tested were, in fact, that of LB's chimeric twin who was absorbed in the womb (save for his cockle of course). This line of defense has precedent and we see no reason why LB should not be back in the saddle next week.
I hope that this singular isolated incident will in no way tarnish the growing art and science of cockle testing. After all it shows great promise in clearing riders wrongly convicted of the "D" word (I hate it so much I can't even bring my self to say drafting...****...i just said it didn't I?). Riders on the "B" Team Vitesse roster such as Ricco, Hamilton, Landis, Basso, and Rasmussen surely are of one mind with me on this. Kids remember: cheaters never prosper and never let you cockles be tested by a non-certified tester (you can always tell, they wear purple latex gloves).

And to you, the YELLOW BANDED ONE (who shall remain nameless); remember testing positive for cockles is not the end of the world, once LB's career is over he may not have two pennies to rub together but at least he will have two cockles to rub together.... will you?
Team Vitesse encourages all riders to end the discussion and step up to the plate, draw a line in the sand and submit to a cockle test. If not for the experience...then at least for science.
Team Vitesse believes its riders are shadily innocent until caught guilty. Therefore our hearts and cockles go out to LB and family during this trying time. Suspiciously yours, K2ness

"B" Sample Proves Positive

As expected the "B" sample taken in the Cockle test has returned a positive result. Only the rider's initials, LB, can be released at this point in time. The shocked Team Vitesse members who huddled in tents at their training camp had no comment. UCI officials said "Positive A and B samples are always a cause for concern."
Happy Lucky 88 Cockle test analysis experts attempted to assure a clamourous press. "Cockle testing is more of an art than a science. Positive test results means that this athlete has cockles. This is a good thing." Johan was more philosophical musing, "Obviously we support our team mate. I would love to have a couple of cockles. Perhaps they are what are missing from my life."
We will monitor the situation to see if this positive test and the resulting notoriety affect LB's performance in the spring classics.

NEWS FLASH - Rider has positive Cockle test

An as yet unnamed rider has returned a positive "A" test sample from a recent out of competition Cockle test. Neither Team Vitesse nor the rider were available for comment. The rider's name will be released when the results of the "B" sample are known.

Team Building at Vitesse Training Camp

In preparation for the 2009 season, all members of Team Vitesse have gathered in the small rural community of Smoky Lake, Alberta away from the prying eyes of a voracious press. The Team's headquarters is a used recreational vehicle in the parking lot of the luxurious Smoky Lake Motor Hotel on Highway 28. Management and a technician from Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory are in attendance to conduct fitness examinations, cockle testing, and equipment fittings. The sound of the jig saw and the unmistakable rasping of sand paper fill the parking lot at the hotel as the technician spends days tweaking each Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking for individual riders. Team members are impressed and thankful for the wind blocking qualities of the ferring especially since the daytime temperature has hovered around minus 28 degrees C for much of the training camp. "The 6 to 8 hour training rides are much more enjoyable when riding behind a layer of insulating plywood" said one of the riders.
Team building exercises for the 2009 version of Team Vitesse included putting together a 5,000 piece puzzle picturing the 14 turns of Alpe D'Huez and a quick rousing water polo game in frozen Smoky Lake. "Nothing is as effective for fostering team spirit than sleeping outdoors in tents at minus 30 degrees!" exclaimed Johan from his villa at Lake Como. Management is confident that Team Vitesse will be prepared for any weather having trained in such extreme conditions. However, cockle testing has proven to be more difficult and time consuming due to extreme shrinkage.

Cockle Art now on display

The deadline for submissions for the ART Contest, sponsored by Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory, closed recently. The ART Contest parameters restricted the artists to an artful concept of cockles. The winning submission, pictured above, is called "The Burgeoning of Cocklization - pre and post testing". This incredibly evocative piece is the work of 88 year old amateur artist A. Krillick. Even though Ms. Krillick is not a competitive cyclist, her subtle, heart-felt grasp of cockles has the ability to squeeze and massage our emotions. Her perceptive acumen in capturing and clenching the essence of cockles in this conceptual tour-de-force commands our respect.

The winning artist receives the patented Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory "Most Abundance of Euphoric Youth Booth". The world famous portable hyperbaric chamber attaches to any bathtub to create the atmosphere necessary to recapture lost youth. Congratulations and many thanks to the other entrant.

Singular Signings Slake Search for Success

Team Vitesse is proud to announce the signing of two former stars of the peleton. Pierre Portez-la-Bouteille and Dirk Draagfles will support the stars in the Team Vitesse pantheon at the Smoky Lake training centre. Both riders have impressive palmares including two top 159 finishes in the 2008 Tour de Napa Valley. In addition to the obvious advantage their names imply, they are committed to random out-of-competition cockle testing and the team sponsor, Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory. Portez-la Bouteille exclaimed, "I am happy to put my cockles in the hands of professionals". "The super absorbent rain cape will be very useful in Holland!" quipped Draagfles.
You can imagine the excitement and optimisim these riders bring to a team wishing to whet its whistle with wins.

Cockle Testing Abduction - Part 2

We pick up the compelling story of one man's out of competition random cockle test.

CC: How did the Manilow music make you feel?
BJ: It would not be my first choice for listening pleasure but it added a certain mood to the wood panelled boogie van. I sat back against the plywood bench and tried to relax. I knew that maintaining a calm state of contentment would mitigate the intrusiveness of the cockle test. With "Crackling Rosie" pounding through the 1/2 inch speakers, I began to believe that the Happy Lucky 88 cockle testers were trained professionals.
CC: What made you doubt their authenticity in the first place?
BJ: their purple latex gloves. That and the fact that they were arguing about the instruction manual. Happy Lucky 88's directions seemed to be unintelligible to the technicians. When I regained consciousness I was told that the results would be mailed to me 3 weeks after they had been released to the press. It didn't sound fair but i was in no position to argue with my cockles in a compromised position.
CC: How did your cockles feel after the test?
BJ: About the same really. Maybe a bit warmer than normal with a tingle indicating excessive handling. I got a purple latex thumbs up from all the techs when I was dropped off at the gate of Johan's Lake Como villa. Apparently my cockles were tested in flight to Italy.
CC: Any last words for our reader?
BJ: The key to passing a cockle test is go to your quiet place and remain alert. Being a lert cannot be overemphasized. Warm tingly feelings in the cockles is a good thing...I hope. Eventually all pro riders must submit to having their cockles tested. I am glad mine is over for this month.

Not so Happy Lucky 88

This neglected bicycle did not have the benefit of Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory's most excellent Super Absorbent Rain Cape. If the owner had taken advantage of the special holiday offer he or she would not be confronted with this sorry sight. Team Vitesse joins Happy Lucky 88 in wishing that all neglectful cyclists purchase a rain cape today.

I WAS ABDUCTED BY COCKLE TESTERS - an exclusive report -PART 1

A team member's intimate and touching story of a random cockle test follows. We will call the rider Big Jim (BJ) to protect his privacy.

Cycling Cosmonaut: Tell us how you were contacted by the authorities.
Big Jim: A white van stopped in front of my residence at 0800 hours. 8 burly men in white lab coats stood at my door wearing purple latex gloves. I will never forget those purple latex gloves as long as I live.
CC: You must have been scared...did they identify themselves?
BJ: I had received the cockle briefing notes from Johan but I had no idea who they were until I saw the Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory logo on their uniforms. Then I knew my cockles were going to be tested. Instinctively I felt my cockles adopting a defensive posture.
CC: What happened next?
BJ: 2 of the men threw a black bag over my head and I was bundled into the back of the idling van. I realized that struggle was useless against their superior numbers. I remember that the van's interior smelled like a mixture of cumin tinged sweat, lavender and burnt electrical circuits. The music was remarkable.
CC: Can you remember what you heard?
BJ: Over the shouts and murmurs of the testing men I thought I heard the toe tapping vocal stylings of Barry Manilow. I felt warm and comfortable in my Happy Lucky 88 pyjamas as the blue and red electrodes were attached...

Please return to Cycling Cosmonaut for PART 2 of this EXCLUSIVE report -I had my Cockles Tested...

Readers' Forum -- Q&A

If the SMEVEC 88T is as good as it sounds the entire racing world would be using it as part of their off season training strategy.
How many teams have actually signed on to SMEVEC to date?

So far the only team to have signed a deal with Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory is Team Vitesse. This collaboration has produced some excellent products which have pushed the envelope of racing and drawn a line in the sand to which other companies must step up to the plate.

How do you expect SMEVEC to actually affect the outcome of 2009's time trials?

Team Vitesse has spent the last month in a training camp near Smoky Lake. The performance tracking capabilities of the SMEVEC 88T indicate a steady improvement for all team members. If it rains on time trial day, the combination of Super Absorbent Rain Cape, the SMEVEC 88T and a downhill course will undoubtedly give Team Vitesse a distinct advantage. Which other team can produce calculations based on Onsager Reciprocal Relations (the 4th Law of Thermodynamics) during race conditions? The other huge advantage that Team Vitesse will have is the Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking. This ferring integrates seamlessly with the Super Absorbent Rain Cape and the SMEVEC.
Once the other teams see the wisdom of riding with 25 or 30 kilos of aerodynamic plywood they will be lining up to get on the Happy Lucky 88 bandwagon.