Life Imitates HL88

Thanks to one of the 8 readers of this blog for bringing yet more proof that life imitates Happy Lucky 88 Manufacatory's plywood initiative.

The wonder element PLYWOODIUM, made so popular by HL88 and crafted into so many high quality cycling products, has found a place in the Festivus pantheon. An intrepid inventor with a jigsaw has produced a fetching plywood tree ready to hold a finite number of ornaments. Shown here in its purest state, the plywoodium tree will likely withstand the feats of strength program of any evening.

HL88 sees the logic

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has uncovered a highly covert operation which converted automobiles into something indescribable. These curious abominations were developed at an undisclosed cosmodrome in the nothern hemisphere. the engineer at HL 88 Manufactory feels she can adapt this technology to assist Team Vitesse during perilous navigation through brown sugar snow. Johan insists that the back tyre needs to be lager (see Graham Rawles lost consonants).

Team Vitesse Seeks Divine Intervention

Fresh from their most successful season in the professional peleton, Team Vitesse is set to announce a new approach to training. Thus far sporadic training with a virtual manager (Johan the Omniscient) has resulted in riders snatching superb victories with too much effort. Dr K2 has noticed that Johan has changed his timbre this year. "I believe that Johan got religion somewhere" mused the good doctor.

Johan's new plan is to call upon divinities, both past and present, to augment an already strenuous and extensive training program. For instance, early in the season, h2o experienced an inordinate number of flat tyres. Having identified this as a potential nuisance, Team Vitesse has retained the services of Phlatus, Averter of Punctures, to watch over its athletes. Pheedus, the spirit overseeing feed zones will leave the services of Radio Shack to join the retinue of divinities who will be channeled by Johan.

Johan believes that channeling divinities will be chicken feed, "I often feel the spirits at the casino. They speak loudest after I pass out." Team members are unsure of how well Johan can drive the virtual team car, provide tactical guidance and channel while passed out. "Johan is a master of the multi-task" spouted Lampo Bianco from the new WORC (Western Oceanographic Research Cosmodrome).

The 9 "P"s of Cold Arm

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory's Cold Arm Foundation continues its educational initiative with the introduction of the nine "P"s of Cold Arm. Deemed an issue of high concern, management has broken down Cold Arm into 9 domain environments based on experiential experiences.

1. Persecution: Cold Arm crosses all ethnic, gender and class boundaries with its relentless attacks.
2. Prediction: one must always assess each situation for the eventuality of Cold Arm.
3. Probability: Cold Arm never sleeps nor does it ever rest.
4. Provocation: Cold Arm seeks to undermine one's very comfort in one's chosen environment.
5. Preparedness: one can never be too prepared for the onslaught of Cold Arm. Always have anti Cold Arm precautions on hand.
6. Prevention: Think ahead before Cold Arm gains the upper hand, forearm and arm.
7. Purposefulness: conducting oneself according to the Cold Arm capability framework will give one's existence purpose and meaning.
8. Perseverance: one must be vigilant against the evils of Cold Arm.
9. Perpetuity: Cold Arm does not end simply because one has obeyed numbers 1 through 8. It can attack anywhere (see #4), anytime (see #3), anyone (see #1).
10. Puerility: Rest assured - there is nothing puerile about Cold Arm.

Commensurate functional activity must be coordinated. Watch for updates about the 23 "F"s of Stretch Goals by Johan.

Brown Sugar Riding - Trials & Tribulations

Winter brings special challenges to the cyclist. Excessive snow mixed
with brownish dusty sand becomes a strange unpackable compound called
brown sugar snow. Similar to brown sugar but salty to the tongue,
brown sugar snow demands a particular skill set from the rider. Two key
takeaways from h2o's experiential analysis are:
1. Maintain the maximum rate of speed possible when entering a brown sugar zone.
2. Avoid excessive course corrections.
Always remember that forward thinking with a commitment to positive
intent will facilitate connectivity with the road.

h2o

HL88 - Green Delivery

In keeping with the surge in interest in green technology, Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has retained skilled delivery men to feed the need for raw materials for its factories. Shown below is just such a professional driver on a closed course pounding the pedals in a relentless Johanish fashion. His goal was to deliver Styrofoam, a key ingredient in plywood production, to the giant mixing vats of HL88. Drivers must cover the 88 kilometers in less than 2 hours or risk having pay docked from their lucrative salaries.

There is feverish competition between these professional drivers who are true heroes in the supply chain management system. Please do not try this at home. It is best to use an abandoned parking lot to replicate these feats of delivery prowess.

New Derny Driver Announced

Rip and Hammer a.k.a. R&H, has been the chef of Team Vitesse for as long as anyone can remember. His famous Protein Pucks, cooked with the able assistance of the George Foreman Grill, is the food of legend. Adhering to the strict fiscal restraint protocol practiced by Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory but ignored by Johan, R&H will perform double duty, adding Derny driver to his resume. Most teams are using the configuration pictured here.
Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory, ever the innovator, developed the 88 Scooter back in July of 2009. The Plywoodium barrier provides the patented "Hollow of Bliss" that Team Vitesse members are so passionate about.
From virtual reality to real reality, the R&H scooter will soon make its appearance at a velodrome near you. Make no mistake, this scooter can certainly scoot, thanks to the installation of a hyper speed chip. They say that pimping with accessories makes the ride and this rig is no exception. A special HL88 "Chiming of Good, Bad and Ugly Tidings" bell has been affixed to the command control cockpit. This warns everyone in a 10 meter radius to clear the track. Team Vitesse has wound it up and is in full flight!
Your sense of impending doom will be confirmed when you hear this ear piercing din coming at mach speeds from the rear. Team Vitesse is grateful to have the experienced trained driver, R&H, to pilot this vehicle from launch to landing.

Manufactory Signs Big Contract

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory is now the official plywood supplier to the 2012 Games in London. This exciting news was announced recently by HL88 Management at a strip club in Soho. HL88 CEO, Hap Luck, was quick to point out the positives of this mammoth project. "We never built velodrome before and very excited to find out what is velodrome." Organizers of the games were impressed with the artists rendering of what will be London's state of the art velodrome. "We especially liked the choice of smooth or weathered plywood finishes for the ceiling of the building!" Critics express concern about what appear to be gaps at the seams between sheets of plywood. Johan, on hand for the announcement, dismissed this as nitpicking bellowing, "any track rider worth his/her salt should be able to deal with slight imperfections in the board surface. The maximum gap between 4 by 8 foot sheets of plywood is normally 6 inches."

Team Vitesse can attest to the magic imbued with each plywood product from HL88. "These guys are magicians with the plywood!" exhalted Lampo Bianco. "I have good HL88 sensations" whispered Dr. K2. "Kudos to HL88 for building this beautiful fire trap" enthused h2o.

HL88 sponsors feast

In what is being described as a "Feast for the Ages", a couple of the loyal support staff from Team Vitesse sponsored an dinner of appreciation for h2o. Team cook Rip & Hammer and IT specialist, the "it man" were on hand to applaud the beneficent work of Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory and the continued sinning ways of Team Vitesse. Special Spanish protein discs were flown in from a local butcher for the festive event. These were cooked with loving care by George Foreman on his million dollar grill. Most of the clenbuterol was teased out with the cups of fat that were also liberated during the heating process.

As you can see, the result was a minimalist presentation fit for a King of the Mountains. h2o was the lucky rider to consume 3 of these Iberian treats. The raucous party broke out into song as the cranberry/spa drinks began to take hold. Toasts sent glasses clinking as Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory was hailed as the great innovator of modern day plywood usage. Johan provided some short disjointed comments via a satellite link up from a ditch outside of Bern. Transcripts of his colourful nonsensical rant are still being deciphered. All in all a most excellent evening was enjoyed by all.

Team Vitesse Confirmed as Pro Team

The UCI announced today the first batch of teams to be awarded licenses at the top tier of the sport. The UCI also revealed the criteria for deciding which teams will be allowed into top tier, stating that for 2011 licenses. The evaluation of teams has placed particular emphasis on the sporting criterion. Johan sneered at the suggestion that he physically coerced the UCI into awarding Team Vitesse a license. "They received the same verbal abuse as my riders. That is just how I roll" growled the great man. Teams were ranked on the results of the squad's top 15 riders "using results obtained in 2009 and 2010" in all races on the calendar. It was decided that only the top 15 teams in this ranking would receive or keep their existing first tier status as long as they also meet the financial, ethical and administrative criteria. Team Vitesse relied heavily on the strong finishes of Dr. K2 in 2010 cyclocross season, the high placing of Lampo Bianco at the Giro and the "Heavy Drop" flourishes by h2o at the Tour. The ethical and financial criteria were conceived by Johan behind closed doors. "They asked a lot of ridiculous questions about the team's ethics which required equally ridiculous answers" bragged Johan. Team Vitesse has long been known as the bad boy team of cycling because they rely on physical and psychological tactics to win races. Therefore it is surprising to some that Team Vitesse slots into the top ten amongst professional teams.

The UCI's 2010 Teams Rankings

1 Luxembourg Pro Cycling Project
2 Rabobank Cycling Team
3 Garmin-Cervélo
4 HTC-Highroad
5 Omega Pharma-Lotto
6 Lampre-ISD
7 Katusha
8 Sky ProCycling

8a Team Vitesse-HL88 & Cold Arm

9 Liquigas-Cannondale
10 Saxo Bank SunGard
11 Team RadioShack
12 Vacansoleil-DCM Pro Cycling Team
13 Pro Team Astana
14 Movistar Team
15 BMC Racing Team
16 Euskaltel-Euskadi
17 Geox-TMC
18 Quick Step Cycling Team
19 Cofidis Le Crédit en ligne
20 AG2R
21 FDJ
22 Saur-Sojasun
23 Pegasus Sports
24 Skil-Shimano
25 Acqua e Sapone
26 Colnago-CSF Inox
27 Europcar
28 Androni Giocattoli
29 Topsport Vlaanderen-Mercator
30 Veranda's Willems-Accent
31 Team Type 1
32 CCC Polsat Polkowice
33 Bretagne-Schuller
34 Farnese Vini - Neri Sottoli
35 Landbouwkrediet
36 UnitedHealthcare Pro Cycling
37 Team Netapp
38 Team SpiderTech powered by C10
39 Caja Rural
40 Colombia Es Pasion-Café de Colombia
41 De Rosa-Ceramica Flamina
42 Andalucia Caja Granada