High Altitude Training

A training camp was held on August 18, 19, & 20 in the Skoki valley of Banff National Park. The team included PE5GW (team ornithologist), RM (team geologist), SB (plant identification specialist) and h20 (Hammer of Holland). Johan (the enigmatic Directeur Sportif) thought that some of the Team Vitesse members would benefit from some high altitude training.

Part of the team and character building included hiking up Deception Pass under 30 degree C sun with constant horse fly attacks to all exposed flesh. "Bugger Off" and other insect repellants were shunned to avoid any absorption of DDT into the atheletic temple that is h20's body. The multitude of horse fly welts provided motivation to continue the forced march. Once over the pass, the downhill pounding on the knees made for an extremely painful descent. h20's knees were not used to walking in the high mountains on uneven surfaces with a pace dictated by aerial insect attacks.

Arrival at the lodge was a welcome reprieve from the day's exertions. The staff had created a small pool for bathing in the creek that runs past the trekker's cabin. h2o took advantage of this feature to cool off in the freezing stream. After above average shrinkage, h20 emerged to begin drying off. Unfortunately, h20's hat had been dropped over the entrance to a wasp's nest. Those unhappy residents attacked h20's head, scoring 4 direct hits. A fast adrenalin retreat by h20 saved him from further damage. Johan's character building ideals were completely fulfilled by the day's barrage of insect attacks.
Thus ended day one of Team Vitesse's high altitude training camp.

Super Absorbant Rain Capes

H20: In the event of rain I have procured rain capes for team vitesse...unfortunately Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory did not have any of their super absorbent "Obstinately Rebuked Failing Moisture" rain capes made out of ...you guessed it.....1/4 inch plywood. I was told they are cut anatomically to ensure good fit in the areo position. not that it matters as they were out of stock (due to increased demands from the womens’ peloton in the Olympic road race). I have instead purchased a box of ordinary large size garbage bags and have cut holes to allow our heads to poke out. I am sure these are as effective as any store bought version and have the added bonus of being much safer. Don’t fret, shorts are in the works as are helmet covers and shoe covers.....garbage bags and silver duct tape fix everything. I have been told the silver ductk tape shimmers on a bright day. k2nees

Dear K2nees: those crazy peeps at Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory…is there anything they can’t fabricate for cycling?? Super absorbent plywood rain capes! I love those guys! If I have to use garbage bags, I prefer orange ones to honour the land of my forefathers if you don’t mind. The day of infamy looms when we find out if your hyperbaric chamber is worthy of the name. I suggest that you begin living in your hyperbaric chamber so that you are not too badly embarrassed on our next spin. h2O

Unfortunately my home made hyperbaric chamber is on the fritz. the tin foil used to seal the top of my bathtub does not seem to be holding the pressure I pump in with my inflatable mattress foot pump.....I got the designs from the Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory. I am sure the ferring design will be far superior. I will work on the chamber tonight. Vaseline around the seals and some duck tape to patch the holes and the tin foil should be as air tight as can be. K2nees

Dear K2nees: I am surprised that the plans from the Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory do not include any plywood for your hyperbaric chamber. I know for a fact that the good folks at Happy Lucky choose plywood as their number 1 or number 8 building material. The tin foil certainly covers the “bling” factor for the chamber. I suggest you think about sleeping on the second floor of your home, sealing all doors, windows and vents and begin pumping out the air to produce the rarified mountain simulation atmosphere. h20

Dear K2nees: launch preparations are proceeding according to plan. We should expect a motivational talk from a Mr. Chris Farley before blast off. The talk is sponsored by the good folks at Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory in conjunction with Long Life Fried Lotus Fabricatory. Please ensure that you are equipped with ear protection. Mr. Farley speaks in a loud voice to add greater emphasis to his motivational message. Today’s topic is entitled, “COMMON MODALITIES IN THE SPACE TIME CONTINUUM”, subtitled, “How to Win the Hearts and Minds of Average Working Canadians”. Afterwards, cucumber sandwiches and fruit punch will be served by the Women’s Auxiliary of the Friends of Deep Well Fractionation. h2O

motivation is what i need... procrastination is what i want..... perhaps mr. farley can teach me to have some balance in my life. I thoroughly enjoy being yelled at, in fact it is one of my favorite pass times along with gouging out my eyes.... perhaps that why i enjoy working at redbike so much! it certainly has that kind of an atmosphere. Not unlike a gulag or a suite at the spanish inquisitions villa. The screams sooth my are a salve for my soul (that the only kind of salve i can get thanks to mr bettinis bruised ego). The snacks provided after said ride do sound like what the doctor ordered (well he ordered advil but thats virtually the same as a cucumber sandwich. K2nees

Dear K2nees: I regret to inform you that Mr. Farley’s motivational talk has been cancelled. It appears that he has been deceased for some time but Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory was not aware of his passing. The management of Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory have had a Mr. Farley on the payroll for the past 12 years. Instead we will have a “lunch and learn” session with one of Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory’s preeminent technical staff. Dr. U.N. Do will demonstrate the proper care and use of the super absorbent plywood rain cape. Dr. Do is famous for his humour and unorthodox approach to these events. Look forward some crazy shenanigans as Do does his best to engage us in an otherwise dull and tedious topic. Please bring your super absorbent plywood rain cape so that it can be registered for warranty purposes. h20

That sounds wonderful as well, i was trying my "obstinately rebuked failing moisture" rain cape last night wishing i had received the technical manual in some form of the alphabet that i recognized. perhaps dr.u.n. do can provide the expertise necessary for the tedious fitting of this wonderful product. is he per chance related to dr. o.h. no, another uber-qualified technician of quality chinese cycling componentry however he is not known for his quiet disposition and humour as his roles in the 007 series will attest to. your in fear of rain and termites, K2nees

Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking

Please review this wonderful time trial bike. The team feels that we can secure this constructor as a sponsor! This time trial bike a super innovation to the current carbon revolution. Originally built in 1898, the contemporary look and feel will make it a force to be reckoned with. The innovative hammock style seat will be the envy of all the teams at the vuelta. H2O

was this machine built by gustave eiffel? it has his "erector set" look...and it comes to a point... the hammock seat is a nice addition....as soft as an already broken in brooks but without the tedious rubbing of leather ointment. the design will certainly cater to long armed riders as in an aero tuck it is a long way to the drops over the centre "tower" or "mast". my favorite bit is the wire counter balance for the seat to relieve the pressure on the otherwise flimsy seat tube sign me up....does it come in red? K2nees
I regret to inform you that the time trial sled only comes in the black pictured and a “lemon” yellow. The innovative hammock seat also has the ability to swing back and forth as one pedals. Another bonus is the fact that standing up out of the seat is impossible. In order to receive the “team” discount, we need to order 12 of these bad boys. I will go ahead with the order as soon as you can confirm 5 other riders and I shall do the same. h20 Dear Dr K2nees: Ricardo Ricco has admitted to cheating and has now contacted our team headquarters. He would like to sign with us. He was very interested in the time trial bike that we have been discussing. There has been no final decision on hiring Ricco but the fact that he would like to ride the time trial machine is very promising. h20

well he should have an extensive training period (say two years) to become accustomed to the new machine before competition.....that leaves 9 new riders to sign....perhaps Pepoli would like to join us as well? K2nees

Pepoli is over the hill and you know it. We want talented riders with a future like…Jan Ulrich. Have you shown him the new time machine? That hammock seat is what Ricardo is crazy about. Perhaps Jan will feel the same way. h20

i shall pass it along to him but you realize that since he has his own bikes we will have to "re-badge" the TT rig with his stickers to avoid any sponsorship issues. Have you spoken to mr. Basso lately perhaps he is still looking for a team with a wicked ride. Additionally there is "you only think i am here" Rasmussen. Both riders would complement your strong mountain riding style and make great allies for your bid for the malliot jaune K2nees

Good point on the Basso Rasmussen signings. I want to avoid looking like ROCK racing by signing all the pariahs of the sport. Maybe we can get a few of the old guard like Zabel and Petacchi. Zabel is not known for his time trialling, but the “Erector” time trial bike has the potential to shave precious minutes off anyone’s time. I prefer not to “go” for the yellow jersey. I prefer to be off the radar until the big mountains. That is when I usually show my prowess in and out of the saddle. It is more likely that me and the rest of the team would drag you (kicking and screaming) to the base of the climbs so that you can launch one of your technically superior workshops on mountain climbing. I will go for the ciclamina jersey before the maglia rosa. h20
well it looks like we have it sorted out....you may as well put in the order for the bikes. all that leaves is a team name...... i suggest "no really they are just vitamins".....will that fit on our jerseys? K2nees

The team name has already been determined. My mother calls the team “Team Vitesse”. It has a nice European feel to it and implies organizational prowess beyond our abilities. The colour scheme is green, black and a yellow “Vitesse”. We will have the obligatory news conference stating that we are anti-doping. This of course will be lip service to that noble but completely unrealistic goal. h20

Do you think that the TT bike will come with a full faring? K2nees

one of the questions you might have pondered upon reviewing our new time trial rigs is their aerodynamic qualities. I have been assured that a ferring is available for the “ERECTOR” at selected Canadian Tire outlets. The ferring is manufactured in China by the Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory company. They use only the highest quality fiberglass, plywood and duck tape to create the best possible ferring for our purposes under the brand name, Prosperous Contented Blocking. I believe that this solution is an easy and affordable way to gain extra time on our competitors. I would like to request that we store the new Prosperous Contented Blocking ferrings in your living room until the “ERECTOR” order arrives. Yours in equipment procurement, h2o

Dear K2nees: you are showing excellent team spirit by allowing the storage of the 24 (the minimum order) Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking in your living room. I have been informed by our friends at the Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory that the Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking should not be left in the sun or allowed to get wet. They were vague about the reason for this odd request but I trust these people implicitly. We are receiving such a deal that I decided not to purchase the warranty. I hope that I do not regret this decision. I have requested that one of the Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking be diverted to the Black Forest so that Jan can work with the new contraption. I assume that Jan only rides on dry nights in the dark. Kindest regards, h2o

Dear Dr. K2nees: Please see attached drawing of the Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking. I think something has been lost in translation but it looks pretty good all the same. The Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory promises to use ¾ inch plywood. The original idea was to use 1 ply plywood but apparently there is a scarcity of it due to the Olympic construction. Before they go ahead and produce the minimum order of 144 units, I thought we should carefully analyze the lightweight construction and its aerodynamic qualities. The Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory claims to have done extensive wind tunnel testing with very positive results. I look forward to receiving your comments concerning the Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking which will be produced in China by Chinese people. Yours in procurement, h20
Dear comrade procurement officer (H2O),The PCOB looks just right for our needs, but perhaps it could be sheathed in some kind of metal cladding to up the "bling" factor...afterall we are a high budget team and we need to keep up appearances, particularly if we expect kisses from the podium girls.
K2nees