Check Your Programs Please

There has been unprecidented activity surrounding Team Vitesse and rider signings for the coming season. Yesterday we reported that the Slayer of Ventoux had agreed to terms with the team. Unfortunately a Provence based glam rock heavy metal band called Slayer of Ventoux owns the copyright to the name.
Henceforth the newest addition to Team Vitesse, our Netherlands based correspondent, will be known as LeTriple or LT. New contract documents with his corrected name will be couriered to his cosmodrome in Zeeland immediately. When asked for comment he said "I have good sensations with my new team. The undulating terrain in Zeeland is very challenging. Training here allowed me to conquer Mont Ventoux and that is how I came to the attention of Johan."
Johan has decided that Alberto will be allowed to attend the training camp/team building exercises in January. "We will see if he can keep up to our stars. He will not receive any remuneration for his efforts just like everyone else on the team", Johan stated.
Training camp opens in Smoky Lake as soon as the temperature reaches minus 30 degrees C.


News from the Slayer of Ventoux

Recently cycling cosmonaut received a unsolicited report from a relative living in the old country. We speak of course of the Netherlands, home of Jan Janssen, Robert Gesink, and Johnny Hoogerland. The Slayer of Ventoux (SOV) has earned this name for his courageous assault of Mont Ventoux from every conceivable route. This kind of dedicated insanity has drawn praise from Team Vitesse members as well as Johan the Omniscient. Johan has indicated that he needs the SOV on the team. Contador might be added later as support on the climbs in the 2010 season. The following is an account of SOV's climb up and down that pimple of a climb. Remember that he acheived this feat without the assistance of the SMEVEC 88T which was very foolhardy indeed.
As I know you can appreciate the feeling of suffering caused by climbing a mountain on a bicycle, I just thought I'd drop you a line to let you know I set out for Mont Ventoux again a few weeks ago. With a friend (the one who crashed into a tree, last time we were there) I rented a house a few km along the way up from Bédoin for two weeks.
Our main goal was to reach the summit from all three sides in one go, preferably within 2 hours time. As we had two weeks available to us, we decided to warm up a bit by riding some routes I found on a site dedicated solely to Mont Ventoux (http://www.dekaleberg.nl/ if you're interested). To work up our courage, we went up from Sault first as it is the easiest route to take. I am pleased to report that we reached the summit well under our target time of 2 hours. Dat geeft de burger moed!
2 days later we attacked the climb from Bédoin. This proved to be a lot more difficult, though easier than last time for I never had the idea that I would fall of my bike for lack of speed. That said I averaged only 10,4 km/h and at some point did not seem to be able to go any faster than 8 km/h. If my friend and I hadn't been climbing together, I think we both would have turned around. Anyway I reached the summit only one minute shy of 2 hours, within my target time, having been passed only twice, and without stopping. Loads better than last time, so I can now comfortably say that I conquered le géant de Provence. The last ascent, starting in Malaucène, proved to be at least as hard as the one from Bédoin. It is much more irregular, and steeper in places. In addition a few kilometers along we had to battle against the wind as well as against the incline. Unfortunately it took me 2 hours and 3 minutes to get to the top. But I didn't much care, as the wind made it so cold all I wanted was to get back down as quickly as possible. Descending quickly wasn't much of a problem as I reached a new max speed of 85,4 km/h.
As you know, I have this cool gadget on my bike that records just about anything. It's no SMEVEC, but it does the trick. Here's the record of my climb from Bédoin: http://connect.garmin.com/activity/16220642


Bilious Blog Celebration

Please join the management of Team Vitesse and Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory in congratulating cyclingcosmonaut. The blog is celebrating its 428th day in existence. Johan's telegram reads, "Bravo and may you continue to produce misinformation and slander about me and cycling in general".

Blinding Beauty of Bling CAFIB

The new Bling CAFIB is now available from your favourite charity, the Cold Arm Foundation. With any donation over $1,000 you will receive the Bling CAFIB and a handwritten note of thanks from h20. Be the only one in your immediate area to own such a thing. Donate now while quantities last. The future of cold arm sufferers is on your wrist!

Cross Season Ends in Tears

K2nees's cyclocross season has ceased to exist as of today. Due to mechanical problems with the plywood interface on the SMEVEC 88T, he has decided to hang up his bib shorts until next year. It seems that a titanium frame interferes with the globe positioning system on board the SMEVEC. K2nees has an armoury of titanium weaponry, none of which can withstand the stresses of HL88's patented biomechanical feedback system. As a result of the compromised information from the SMEVEC, K2nees often rides as if he is blind, deaf and dumb. Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has recommended that he replace his fleet with cellulose based bicycle frames. At this point in time he is considering this option.


Contador to Vitesse

Rumours have just begun to continue to fly about the possible move by Alberto Contador to Team Vitesse. The professional cycling team Astana has missed the UCI's strict deadline requirements for a 2010 pro license. Contador now has the option to leave that team. Gossip columns churn with hints that teams such as Garmin and Quik Step are courting the 2009 TdF winner.
Contador is said to be seriously considering joining Team Vitesse. "Vitesse is unfettered by a pro license and rides outside the law. Johan is such a motivating force. This makes for good sensations", remarked Alberto recently. Given the chance to ride with cycling legends Night Train, Lampo Bianco, K2nees and h20, Contador would be a fool not join to the Team. Johan believes that Contador is a good fit. "Team Vitesse is made up of individuals who look after themselves first. That is how we roll", drawled Johan.
h20 has offered to sweeten the deal with cut rate CAFIBs for Contador and his extended family.
"Alberto will join us. He cannot afford to ignore the aerodynamic benefits of plywood" posited Lampo.
"Contador can learn a lot from the best on Team Vitesse" said K2nees.


Cold Arm Foundation Initiative Bracelet

The much anticipated Cold Arm Foundation Initiative Bracelet (CAFIB) is now available. Similar to the CAFBI but slightly improved with "one-size-fits-all duck tape technology" the CAFIB (pronounced CAFIB) will make an impression on everyone you meet. Carefully styled from 3/4 inch plywood each CAFIB tellingly indicates where your sympathies lie and that you support h20 and the Cold Arm Foundation. The brass hinge and hook-eye closure makes it theft resistant and difficult to remove. The realization of this beautiful fashion accessory from artist's rendering to actual 3 dimensional object is a wonder in and of itself.Be it at work or at play the CAFIB confirms that your GIVE STRONG donation to the Cold Arm Foundation has paid off. The 100% actual lumber gives you the feel and smell of gloating and satisfaction on your wrist. That satisfaction comes from knowing that you have been instrumental in a minuscule way to alleviating all those who suffer from cold arm. The gloating arises from the fact that you will own a singular statement of refined design.
By now you should know you can always count on exquisite craftsmanship and attention to fine detail that Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory brings to bear on all its products.
The CAFIB is now available from Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory. Quantities are limited so act quickly now to ensure that you can be the first one in your peer group to own a coveted CAFIB. Satisfy your craving!

Injury Spells Death of HEAVY DROP?

It is a rare event when h20 admits his mortality. Recently however, a hyper-extension of his knee while walking on an icy footpath has put his racing season in jeopardy. h20 is now considering the hateful possibility that his King of the Mountains jersey may be taken by some up and comer, likely K2nees or Lampo Bianco. "I will fight to retain the jersey for as long as possible. If it stays on Team Vitesse I will have good sensations" said h20.
Far more disconcerting is the possibility that the HEAVY DROP, h20's patented downhill maneuver, may disappear from the professional peleton. You may remember that the HEAVY DROP is the technique of launching an attack on a downhill section of the parcours preferably when a nature break has been called. h20 was a pioneer of this procedure and one its finest practitioners. "I simply will not be able to bend the cranks like I used to" quipped h20 sadly. This news comes as a relief to K2nees whose constant efforts to catch h20 will be marginally easier now.


Happy Lucky 88 Corporate Motto

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has undergone a re-branding for the 2009/2010 season. After exhaustive market research HL88 has discovered that most consumers prefer rough splintered edges to smooth finished edges on their products. With that in mind, a team of specialists has come up with the new corporate motto to reposition Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory at the forefront of modern manufacturing.

"No Labour in Excess of Necessity" will be the watch words for this pedalling powerhouse. By following this sage expression, HL88 can maintain its ridiculously low prices while nurturing their analytic and synthetic prowess.


Cold Arm Bracelet Initiative

This detailed artist's rendering of the new Cold Arm Foundation bracelet initiative is meant to excite you and your wallets. You can now imagine the look and feel of real genuine lumber on your wrist knowing you have supported the effort to alleviate cold arm sufferers.

By sending much needed $$ now, future generations of cold arm sufferers will not have to enter the cycle of cold arm suffering or indeed ever suffer from cold arm. ACT NOW!


Legal procedings planned

It has come to the attention of cycling cosmonaut and HL88's legal team that an unnamed party has infringed on the use of arrows in its diagrams. Cycling cosmonaut prides itself on easy to read, understandable and comprehensible diagrams illustrating complex, turgid, and innovative design concepts to the masses. When a reader forwarded this alarming abuse of arrows from a competitor's rain gear advertising campaign, the legal stable got busy.

What makes this especially galling are the arrows at the model's wrists and knees as well as the exit arrows at the shoulders. When compared to Happy Lucky 88's Super Absorbent Rain Cape (below) there is little doubt that this upstart competitor has directly copied our arrow use.

It is likely that this blatant pointer copying will be mired in legal limbo for many years to come. Rest assured that Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has vowed to defend its singular right to use arrows.


Team Vitesse Launches Foundation

h20 has launched a global initiative to raise awareness for an ailment that most of the population has suffered from at one time or another. Those readers who know and love h20 have shared his discomfort and understand his passion to find a solution for this affliction. I speak of course of those who suffer from "cold arm". Cold arm can strike at any time and while relief is usually as close as the nearest sweater, individuals suffering from cold arm often feel marginalized and ignored. h20's foundation, Cold Arm Foundation (CAF), seeks to raise many dollars to alleviate all those who suffer from cold arm.

Lampo Celebrates Birthday

Lampo Bianco of Team Vitesse fame celebrates his 37th birthday today. Considered old by professional peleton standards, Lampo feels he is just coming into his prime. Aided by a performance enhancing formula devised by Johan and Happy Lucky 88, Lampo says, "the sensations are good!". He spends a lot of his spare time in the Most Abundance Fountain of Euphoric Youth Booth. "I owe my spryness and incredible good looks to this plywood tent in which I sleep every night!" declared LB in an exclusive interview with cyclingcosmonaut. This innovation in plywood technology converts any bathtub into a hyperbaric chamber easily and quickly.
Please join cycling cosmonaut in wishing LB an excellent 2010 racing season.


A Metaphor for not winning

Lampo Bianco was cornered by a clamorous press immediately following the elite men's race in Switzerland last week. Asked what had failed in Team Vitesse's strategy he replied, "Team Vitesse was still in the hunt but from there the momentum started to turn. From the time we left the team bus, the impetus had not only turned but started to gather into a tidal wave which eventually wore us into the ground."