Cycling Cosmonaut Exclusive - Interview with K2nees

CyclingCosmonaut (CC): We are here on the eve of Paris-Roubaix with a Team Vitesse rider, K2nees. We were unable get an interview with team director Johan because of a vicious stomach ailment commonly called a hangover. K2nees has assured us that he is intimately aware of what Johan would say or do (WWJSorD).
How has Team Vitesse’s build up to Paris-Roubaix (P-R) been? Rumor has it your training included riding to Paris from the Ottoman Empire?
Team Vitesse (TV): That is correct. After our shipwreck on our way from China to Europe for some product research and development we were forced to ride the highways and biways of the Holy Roman Empire to Paris.
CC: Are you aware that most professional teams use chartered airlines?
TV: Well we would like to fly but Johan still has to procure the sponsorship money promised from the Republic of East Ohshitia. Johan controls the cash flow and in these tough economic times the priorities are gambling and the upkeep of his villa.
CC: What was it like riding across Asia and Europe?
TV: Luckily our sponsor Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory (HL88) provides us with the peloton’s most advanced plywood cycling products as well as energy products like E.P.O and D.O.P.E so it really wasn’t that bad. It was kinda like an extended version of Saxo Bank’s famous team building camp....but without frills like massage, warm food, and shoes. I can’t complain though, it is not often you get to ride for the glory of our sponsors HL88 and Humus Depot.
CC: Where was Johan during this journey?
TV: We assume he spent his days like he usually does; in a stupor at his lake Como villa or making big money by gambling. We lost touch after eating the last messenger pigeon.
CC: How did you keep your training up without supervision from your DS?
TV: Our training consisted of trying to stay one pedal stroke ahead of the irate toothless farmers whose potatoes we stole. Quite frankly, it was not that hard to train without a DS. We just kept asking ourselves “what would Johan do?” (WWJD). It’s working for this interview.
CC: Point taken. Now that you are here and you have access to proper nutrition and medical attention what are Team Vitesse’s goals for P-R?
TV: Different members of the team have different goals.
CC: Would you care to elaborate on the team’s strategy?
TV: Based on the WWJD principle we have decided that we will work for and hold H2O in reserve for the finale while I will try to get in an early break so that our sponsor HL88 gets some well deserved television time. It’s really important for Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory to get exposure. All 17 televisions in East Ohshitia will be tuned to the race. Apparently there are 8 Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory clients in China who will be glued to the wireless. We really owe it to our sponsor who has been so good to us.
CC: That is very noble and ambitious. What about your other team mates? What is their form like after your journey?
TV: LB is recovering from a septic badger bite he sustained outside of Edirne, Turkey. His personal goal is to ride further than those wimpy Spaniards who always pull out before the first sector of pave! Night Train is hoping to catch a any train to the Roubaix velodrome showers before all the hot water is gone.
CC: Would you say that the team’s aspirations are split between P-R glory and not being peloton fodder?
TV: WWJD means we are riding to win until it gets too difficult.
CC: Do you realize that other Directeur Sportifs use a more hands on approach with their riders.
TV: Johan uses a tough love approach. Riders are rewarded somehow. We have yet to be favoured by such rewards. Johan can be unpredictable if there are not enough Amstels in the team car caravan. But the team believes in him unequivocally.
CC: You really have an interesting team dynamic, what is the team mandate or motto?
TV: Well we like to say “Difficulty overcome by proper application of plywood”. My personal mantra is “Will someone have food for us at the feed zone”.
CC: Well, I’d like to thank you for your candor during this interview and I hope that your P-R goes to plan. Any last minute pick for the favorites?
TV: Well it goes with out saying that if H2O has a good day and his Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking faring does disintegrate in the mud of northern France, its super absorbent plywood you know...I think he should win, particularly if Johan gets around to spreading the nails he had planned for the Arenberg. Otherwise I’d pick Emilien-Benoît Berges of the powerhouse Agritubel squad, have you heard of him? Second I’d have to go with Tom Boonen because he is just so good looking... I wish I had enough hair for a Euro mullet!
CC: Thank you Team Vitesse and K2nees. Godspeed and good luck
TV: Luck has nothing to do with it. Happy Lucky 88 does it all thanks to D.O.P.E and E.P.O

1 comment:

ahab said...

It might be helpful for your growing readership if references to HL88 products were hyperlinked to their initial posts/releases. Just so's we can figure out what's going on without having to troll through the archives ad nauseum.

And for those of us who read out loud to ourselves, how exactly should one pronounce 'K2nees'?