Clydesdales Got Nothin'

It has been posited that the heaviest cyclist is the Pachyderm. This sliding measurement comes to the intertube from the site, SuperClydesdale. The Pachyderm is the cyclist weighing in excess of 220 pounds. The pachyderm is constantly faced with the limits of technology. Whether it is the tensile strength of spandex stretched to the point of flames or the torsional strength of carbon wheels, the big cyclist is a force in and of nature. This fact was visualized in 1894 by some lardass named Byron.

HL88 RAP Song in Development

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has commissioned the Unknown Poet (UP) to write and produce a rap song entitled, "Pimpin' Mah Ride". In the style of the genre, UP will be rhyming such words as belligerent, Heavy Drop, conflagration, wheel sucking, CAFIB, plywoodium and other terms ubiquitous to HL88's mission statement. Core Team Vitesse members are excited to get this motivational music into their Walkmans. Lampo Bianco's response summed up the team's anticipation drawling, "This rap thing will be a nice change from the steady diet of Hank Williams Jr. and Neil Diamond we have been listening to for the last 3 years."

The Unknown Poet has her work cut out for her satisfying Johan and the rest of the team. The song is scheduled to "drop" in time for Christmas.

Top 10 Reasons to Buy New Road Wheels

A follow up to the widely read "Top 10 Reasons to Buy a New Bike" is the hotly anticipated "Top 10 Reasons to Buy New Wheels".

10. Wheel goes out of true on false flats.

9. Wheel goes out of true on bike stand.

8. Wheel goes out of true when I put on my kit.

7. My competition rides ______ and they look cooler than I do.

6. Wheel begins to quiver on Saturday nights before Sunday morning ride.

5. Motorcycle wheels do not fit on bicycles.

4. Carbon wheels look faster, stronger, more competitive than aluminum rims (but they aren't)

3. Fellow cyclist recommends wheels (that turn out to be crap)

2. After following advice from trained professional, realization comes that he has no idea how strong a pachyderm is.

1. What else would I do with this extra $2,000.

If you have been following this blog, you will know that I invented and have perfected the Heavy Drop. The Heavy Drop is a maneuver so devastating as to leave the peleton in tears and tatters. It involves applying extreme downward force to the pedals using all my heavenly joy poundage. Torque wheel load is beyond measurement and many rear wheels have succumbed. Therefore I apply all of the above to the search for new road wheels.

Top 10 List of Reasons to Buy a New Bicycle

It is difficult to imagine that anyone would need a reason to buy a new bicycle. However, for readers out there who find themselves having to justify the purchase of a new velocipede, Johan has created the "Top 10 Reasons to Buy a New Bicycle":

10. None of my current stable match my pants.

9. My child doesn't need 4 years of post secondary education. 3 should be enough.

8. I am replacing one my dog ate.

7. This one has a scratch on it.

6. I don't have a bike made of this semi-precious metal.

5. I have this really nice seat post that is crying out for a bike.

4. My competition goes faster on their _________ and I need one too.

3. The bike I am riding has a flat so I am sick of it.

2. There is room to store one more bike here in the bathtub.

1. To be truly taken seriously as a curator, I really need to expand my collection.

When installation goes awry

When Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory came up with their incisive new product, Nipple Shield LXXXVIII, the 88 page instruction pamphlet that accompanied the shields became an instant best seller. Unfortunately, even the most explicit Chinese instructions can be misinterpreted as shown in the foto below. Lampo Bianco is the first the acknowledge that his grasp of Mandarin is not as good as that of Cantonese. He claims that he followed the diagrams, used a protractor and the advice of the HL88 telephonic support system to locate his nipples and install the shields.

At first blush, it appears that LB has placed the nipple shields in the correct position. However, he claims that the protection is not as effective as it could be. Officials at HL 88 are reviewing the data but refuse to announce a full recall of the Nipple Shield ZX at this point in time. This may be an isolated case of piss poor nipple location techniques rather than a fault with the actual product.

October Cross Action

Cycle cross action was recorded for internet posterity by the cycling cosmonaut photographer. Below, the eventual winner bunny hopped the barrier on every one of the 8 laps.

The sinuous route took riders among the trees and through the coulee. As is normal in cross races, there is no place or time to catch one's breath.
Off camber uphill turns challenge the riders' strength and intestinal fortitude. Many participants depleted their portmanteaus of power and race solely on their carryall of courage.
A beautiful day and an exciting race provided this correspondent with much to admire among the cross racers. Perhaps in the next life I too can enjoy the toilet bag of toil and unpack my pallet of persistence.

Johan's Luggage Lexicon Part 2

True to form, Johan has risen to the heights of sobriety to deliver a few more nuggets of luggagisms.

• portmanteau of power
• haversack of humility
• rucksack of respect
• cosmetic case of confusion
• carpetbag of conceit
• grip of guile
• holdall of hate
• knapsack of nefariousness
• kit bag of kindness
• packsack of praise
• handbag of hope

Use liberally whenever the opportunity arises.

Johan's Handy Lexicon of Racing Baggage

From time to time, Johan regains consciousness long enough to display his vast knowledge of cycling. Cycling Cosmonaut caught up with Johan during a lucid moment while he was immersed in memorizing the rules of cricket. Johan spoke from the heart and this is the redux of his rantings on racing baggage. He stressed that these aphorisms are to be used liberally whenever an excuse is required for either good or bad performance. They are based on the now infamous "suitcase of courage" which, Johan claims, was stolen by Phil Liggett.

• hat box of hauteur
• valise of vexations
• bubble pack of biliousness
• laundry basket of inactivity
• envelope of envy
• satchel of excuses
• packing case of panic
• attache case of apathy
• man purse of motivation
• grab bag of ingenuity
• file folder of futility
• thimble of sense
• pallet of ignorance
• chamois of shame
• bidon of blues
• musette of misery
• derailleur of desire
• handbag of heavy drop
• purse of power
• pocket of perfection
• wallet of will
• billfold of BS

No doubt Johan will produce more baggage allusions the next time he is back "with us" after running out of money at the casino of incomprehension.

New Product from HL88

Ever the innovator, Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has set to work to increase cycling enjoyment for the professional peleton right on down to the catagory 6 commuter. Extensive testing in real race conditions by Lampo Bianco ensures that the newest product is unique yet effective.

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory is proud to announce the HL88 Nipple Cover. Who among us has not suffered the indignity of cold nipples or even endured the pain of having a nipple stuck by flying debris while charging down the finishing straight?

HL88's R&D department has found the solution! Do not be fooled by cheap imitations. Only HL88 has genuine Nipple Covers* with Plywoodium*

The Origin of Pain

I must express my sincere apologies for neglecting to update this blog with Team Vitesse information. Having returned from a fact finding mission to WORC (Western Oceanographic Research Cosmodrome), there is much information to share. PE5GW and h2o travelled through scenic British Columbia and made a special visit to view the original Pain Cave. Now a national historic site, the Pain Cave once boasted the largest inventory of suitcases full of courage.

It is posited that neanderthals meandered through this lovely area with massive hunger pangs in search of a legendary "Pain in the Cave", a place to staunch their terrific appetites. It is thought that this is how the Pain Cave got its distinctive name. Shown below is a special table (circa 1788) clearly designed for travellers. The table allows a traveller to carefully open her or his suitcase of courage, the contents of which might have shifted during the journey.

Possibly more remarkable than the Pain Cave and the "table", is the strange and wonderful Splat Falls. This clip was surreptitiously recorded without the express written consent of anyone at all.