The DigitalJer Challenge

Feedback is encouraged at cycling cosmonaut. It seems that one devoted reader wishes to challenge the expertise and intellect of Mr. Barry Hamlin. DigitalJer proposes: Terminal velocity can be solved for in the cycling equation above by setting power at 0. If one assumes the rolling resistance term is also 0, and that there is no wind blowing (v = s), then the equation becomes: kaAs3 = -giMs or s = (-giM/kaA)1/2 Thus, the terminal velocity is roughly proportional to the square root of the ratio of M/A. Scaling reveals that larger cyclists have a greater ratio of mass to frontal area. They therefore descend hills faster as a consequence of purely physical, not physiological, laws. Since the larger cyclist has a greater mass, gravity acts on him or her with a greater force than it does on a smaller cyclist. We thank DigitalJer for his audacity by questioning Barry Hamlin's scientific logic. However, Barry Hamlin is known as "Pope Barry of Cycling" and as such is infallible. DigitalJer should now expect the Spanish Inquisition.

Lampo Pre-TdF preparations

Lampo Bianco has hit upon a radical but extremely effective method to get down to racing weight. With the Tour de France looming, Lampo found himself a few tens of kilos over his preferred racing weight. Somehow, he picked up a particularly virulent 31.4 hour virus. Whether it was from a toilet seat or air borne, experts are baffled by the puzzle of its origin. The virus's effectiveness cannot be denied. In the space of 24 hours, Lampo Bianco purged all excess liquids, dropping his weight precipitously and giving a workout to the sewage system of his local municipality. Bravo and chapeau LB! You are an inspiration to us all.

The Pros and Cons of Weight Loss

The struggle against weight loss is universal to cyclists the world over. In order to ride efficiently and effectively, one should have minimal body fat and maintain a diminutive stature, preferably less than 1.57 meters. Speaking from experience as a formidable bike rider at 1.95 meters, weight definitely has advantages. Plunging down any hillock, tolt, hilligen, sinuous mountain track, coulee, downward facing switchback, or sloping driveway allows gravity to work its magic on the bigger rider. Often I find myself reaching subsonic speeds causing facial disfigurement.

Going downhill with extra weight means passing smaller cyclists with ease and getting a gap effortlessly. It means testing your equipment at its most extreme limits and testing your nerve on that acute edge of control. Weight loss takes away the advantage of gravity and that loss should be a consideration when denying oneself that extra gallon of ice cream or six pack of high alcohol beer in the name of svelteness. Being lighter can mean that a person can climb the same vertical geographic features with aplomb, alacrity and acuity. It can also mean the difference between coughing up a lung/passing out or briskly pedaling away from the competition at the top. A cyclist must ask her or himself how much of a white knuckle thrill of the downhill hurtle can be sacrificed for a more manageable sortie up a mountain pass. Based on Barry Hamlin's calculations (which have been verified by Johan), for every kilo shed by a cyclist, he/she gives up 10 kmph on the downhill. For that same kilogram the cyclist only gains 9 kmph going up the same hill. This debate is likely to rage for the next 15 minutes.

You know it's windy when...

You know it is windy when: 1. Pedaling required down a 6% grade just to maintain forward momentum. 2. Skin tight spandex flaps in the wind. 3. Being passed by a loser on a recumbent. 4. Strange white crustiness develops around the mouth. 5. Sun burn superseded by wind burn on face. 6. Ambient temperature is plus 20 but feels like plus 5 degrees C. 7. You plead with the devil to instantly become 1 foot shorter and 100 lbs lighter. 8. You ride in echelon formation (shown below)

Throwing down the gauntlet

Yesterday, Johan threw down a gauntlet and demanded that Team Vitesse riders get off the couch and train since the Giro starts on Saturday. Immediately excuses began to fly. Dr. K2 pleaded that he had to learn his children's names again and could not go. Lampo Bianco assured Johan that he has been training regularly but there is no way to confirm that. h2o suited up after his green eggs and ham dinner, pumped up the tyres and grabbed some gloves because it seemed cold and threatening. Realizing that the climatic conditions compromised his hand warmth, h2o attempted to put on his gloves. The 2 right handed black neoprene gloves did the trick and kept his hands warm. Unfortunately he could not bend his left hand against the neoprene form fit. h2o claims that the glove discomfort reduced his average speed by at least 5 kmph.

Cosmodromatic Makeover

Barry Hamlin has taken it upon himself to source some regal gangstah interior design for the 3 cosmodromes scattered across the dominion of Canada. As self appointed arbiter of good taste, Barry Hamlin has made the decision to divert some of the proceeds from Johan's admirable gambling habit to "sprucing up" the WORC or Western Oceanographic Research Cosmodrome.

This stylish table lamp actually turns on/off with the trigger of the operational handgun. Shooting out light bulbs is something that Lampo Bianco enjoyed during his productive misspent youth. Actually shooting light bulbs (as this lamp is capable of) may take some getting used to. Lampo lit up when commenting, "This is more powerful than a nerf gun!"

Meanwhile, the Eastern Cosmodrome took delivery of the AK47 model floor lamp. Dr. K2 returned his lamp, opting instead for "dicktator gold" instead of the opulent "white gold" finish. h2o became agitated when he realized that he would have to move a bicycle out of the cosmodrome to accommodate the new AK47 lamp. "Who gave Barry Hamlin the authority to decorate cosmodromes?" questioned h2o in a fit of jealous topor. No doubt Johan will have the last word on this.

Vitesse Vlaanderen Training

Under sunny skies, 2/3 of the core Team Vitesse riders set off on a training ride in honour of de Ronde van Vlaanderen held April 1. Dr. K2nees, suffering from severe lung loogies, and a resurgent h2o, suffering from nothing whatsoever, set off on a 225 kilometer jaunt. The staging area was abuzz with other teams who were in awe of the new Vitesse team car piloted by h2o himself. The team had selected Moots bicycles as the training mode because of their lightness and torsional stiffness. Of course on race days, they would bring heavier old fashioned bicycle technology to bear -- to confound the critics and cause a rumpus within the peleton. Dr K2 continuously complained of phlegm, chills, and headaches during the quick 50km warmup. These complaints were largely dismissed by h2o as an evil ploy to gain sympathy and mercy. Instead he pushed the pace constantly. "This is what Johan would want me to do" cried h2o into the deaf bleeding ear of Dr. K2. Having completed the mandatory 225 kilometer route replete with hill repeats and sprint practice, it was time to bundle Dr. K2 back into the team car. Asked if he might have been a bit harsh with the good Doctor, h2o parried with, "His legs had good sensations but his lung capacity was 15%. Team Vitesse rules required me to work those rides at 110%. We are all afraid of the wrath of Johan. It makes us better riders if no mercy is shown". Dr. K2 was unavailable for comment having sunk into a coma in HL88's Euphoric Fountain of Youth Booth.

Helmet Design Reaches for the Stars

Barry Hamlin has been hard at work in his role as designer for Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory. Drawing from influences such as space travel and cosmonaut fashion, if you will, Mr. Hamlin has created a new generation of cycling helmets. Distinctive in their minimal crash protection, Barry Hamlin sacrifices safety for style. "We could not ask for anything else" gushed Johan.

Barry Hamlin himself models his creation which is available in two colorways "slate coal blackitude" and "sour curdle milk".

Lampo's Endorsement - a Barry Hamlin Love Story

Dear Barry, Please inform Johan that I have begun some form of training, although not according to his lubricated lubriciousness' specific regime. I road for somewhere between 1 and 2 hours (probably 1.5 hours) and I went out thataway, turned somewhere, and came back somehow or other. As you can see the SMEVEC works perfectly. My plan is to hope that I ride again before I have to start over on my training. Barry, tell Johan what you would do, so I can ask Johan what he would do. Kind regards, Lampo Bianco

Barry Hamlin - A Cycling Legacy

Fans, team sponsors, bicycle afficianados, and other interested parties have been clamoring for information about the enigmatic Barry Hamlin. cycling cosmonaut caught up with Mr. Hamlin, planning strategies and technical improvements with Team Vitesse manager Johan, poolside in San Remo, Italy. Many readers may not be aware that Barry Hamlin designed prototypes for the SMEVEC 88, used exclusively by Team Vitesse in all races. Few changes have been made to the iconic SMEVEC 88 over the 3 years since it was released, and for good reason. "Its sleek lines and user-friendly layout cannot be improved upon", quipped Mr. Hamlin. After much deliberation and exchange of an unknown amount of cash, Barry Hamlin agreed to release a plan for a prototype called the SMEVEC 86. In this cycling cosmonaut exclusive, you the reader can only begin to understand the inner workings of Barry Hamlin's designing mind and follow the natural genesis from concept to cycling fruition.

"The cyclist is basically controlled on a glide path and is decumulated via wiring to the main database system. Although bulky, this SMEVEC 86 forward velocity measurement device is surprisingly light weighing just under 13 kilograms", reminisced Mr. Hamlin over martinis. He continued, "Testing results proved positive but HL88 Manufactory requested that plywood be incorporated into the design. I began doodling on a napkin during breaks on the movie set of "Kung Fu Hamlin".

The result was the ever popular SMEVEC 88". As Team Vitesse riders can attest, the SMEVEC 88 is the cat's knees when it comes to biofeedback technology. "Never a day goes by when I wonder what my biofeedback decumulation statistics will reveal about me as a person", mused Dr. K2nees. Lampo Bianco bleated, "I still don't have a clue how to use it but I just freaking love it." h2o claims that "it keeps me slim and trim without the gym."