Future ramifications of the Past
In this week of doping scandals and the handing out of retroactive sanctions, it has come to the attention of Team Vitesse and sponsor Happy Lucky 88 that the UCI and CAS have PREEMPTIVELY sanctioned Team Vitesse rider, Dr. K2nees. With the recent rash of back dated suspensions (Contador gets 2 years but can ride in August, Ullrich getting 2 years but he has been retired for 5 years making him eligible to ride for the last 3 years) it is poetic justice that Dr. K2nees should be preemptively sanctioned. After all if he was victorious at the Tour de Dump and received the points associated with those wins, the ruling bodies must assume that doping took place. With today's announcement of the preemptive past tense sanctioning, Cycling Cosmonaut has learned that the good doctor will be eligible to ride as of last week. Through out the protracted process, Dr. K2nees has long claimed his future innocence. He does agree that it is a good idea to enjoy a "$3M Spanish steak purchased in Alberto" because they did do wonders for his past training regime. Johan was reached for comment at the Dubai camel track where he currently has all of Dr. K2nees' future prize money wagered on "Alice, the Dromedary of Death (ADD)". Johan brayed, "It doesn't surprise me one bit. K2 is a shifty guy who has never grasped his own Within Power. If he had, presently he won't be in this past predicament in the future. The team stands behind any future decision he may make and have retroactively terminated and reinstated him. I hope this unfortunate incident will not affect our future and past invitations to the prestigious Tour de Dump event". Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory officials were also reached for comment murmuring, "We think that plywood should be enough of a performance enhancer. Why do professionals seek solace in best before beef gone bad?". Sadly, due to an impending UCI and CAS deadline long past, HL88's nebulous comments are just that.