Brown Sugar Riding - Trials & Tribulations

Winter brings special challenges to the cyclist. Excessive snow mixed
with brownish dusty sand becomes a strange unpackable compound called
brown sugar snow. Similar to brown sugar but salty to the tongue,
brown sugar snow demands a particular skill set from the rider. Two key
takeaways from h2o's experiential analysis are:
1. Maintain the maximum rate of speed possible when entering a brown sugar zone.
2. Avoid excessive course corrections.
Always remember that forward thinking with a commitment to positive
intent will facilitate connectivity with the road.

h2o

HL88 - Green Delivery

In keeping with the surge in interest in green technology, Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has retained skilled delivery men to feed the need for raw materials for its factories. Shown below is just such a professional driver on a closed course pounding the pedals in a relentless Johanish fashion. His goal was to deliver Styrofoam, a key ingredient in plywood production, to the giant mixing vats of HL88. Drivers must cover the 88 kilometers in less than 2 hours or risk having pay docked from their lucrative salaries.

There is feverish competition between these professional drivers who are true heroes in the supply chain management system. Please do not try this at home. It is best to use an abandoned parking lot to replicate these feats of delivery prowess.

New Derny Driver Announced

Rip and Hammer a.k.a. R&H, has been the chef of Team Vitesse for as long as anyone can remember. His famous Protein Pucks, cooked with the able assistance of the George Foreman Grill, is the food of legend. Adhering to the strict fiscal restraint protocol practiced by Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory but ignored by Johan, R&H will perform double duty, adding Derny driver to his resume. Most teams are using the configuration pictured here.
Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory, ever the innovator, developed the 88 Scooter back in July of 2009. The Plywoodium barrier provides the patented "Hollow of Bliss" that Team Vitesse members are so passionate about.
From virtual reality to real reality, the R&H scooter will soon make its appearance at a velodrome near you. Make no mistake, this scooter can certainly scoot, thanks to the installation of a hyper speed chip. They say that pimping with accessories makes the ride and this rig is no exception. A special HL88 "Chiming of Good, Bad and Ugly Tidings" bell has been affixed to the command control cockpit. This warns everyone in a 10 meter radius to clear the track. Team Vitesse has wound it up and is in full flight!
Your sense of impending doom will be confirmed when you hear this ear piercing din coming at mach speeds from the rear. Team Vitesse is grateful to have the experienced trained driver, R&H, to pilot this vehicle from launch to landing.

Manufactory Signs Big Contract

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory is now the official plywood supplier to the 2012 Games in London. This exciting news was announced recently by HL88 Management at a strip club in Soho. HL88 CEO, Hap Luck, was quick to point out the positives of this mammoth project. "We never built velodrome before and very excited to find out what is velodrome." Organizers of the games were impressed with the artists rendering of what will be London's state of the art velodrome. "We especially liked the choice of smooth or weathered plywood finishes for the ceiling of the building!" Critics express concern about what appear to be gaps at the seams between sheets of plywood. Johan, on hand for the announcement, dismissed this as nitpicking bellowing, "any track rider worth his/her salt should be able to deal with slight imperfections in the board surface. The maximum gap between 4 by 8 foot sheets of plywood is normally 6 inches."

Team Vitesse can attest to the magic imbued with each plywood product from HL88. "These guys are magicians with the plywood!" exhalted Lampo Bianco. "I have good HL88 sensations" whispered Dr. K2. "Kudos to HL88 for building this beautiful fire trap" enthused h2o.

HL88 sponsors feast

In what is being described as a "Feast for the Ages", a couple of the loyal support staff from Team Vitesse sponsored an dinner of appreciation for h2o. Team cook Rip & Hammer and IT specialist, the "it man" were on hand to applaud the beneficent work of Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory and the continued sinning ways of Team Vitesse. Special Spanish protein discs were flown in from a local butcher for the festive event. These were cooked with loving care by George Foreman on his million dollar grill. Most of the clenbuterol was teased out with the cups of fat that were also liberated during the heating process.

As you can see, the result was a minimalist presentation fit for a King of the Mountains. h2o was the lucky rider to consume 3 of these Iberian treats. The raucous party broke out into song as the cranberry/spa drinks began to take hold. Toasts sent glasses clinking as Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory was hailed as the great innovator of modern day plywood usage. Johan provided some short disjointed comments via a satellite link up from a ditch outside of Bern. Transcripts of his colourful nonsensical rant are still being deciphered. All in all a most excellent evening was enjoyed by all.

Team Vitesse Confirmed as Pro Team

The UCI announced today the first batch of teams to be awarded licenses at the top tier of the sport. The UCI also revealed the criteria for deciding which teams will be allowed into top tier, stating that for 2011 licenses. The evaluation of teams has placed particular emphasis on the sporting criterion. Johan sneered at the suggestion that he physically coerced the UCI into awarding Team Vitesse a license. "They received the same verbal abuse as my riders. That is just how I roll" growled the great man. Teams were ranked on the results of the squad's top 15 riders "using results obtained in 2009 and 2010" in all races on the calendar. It was decided that only the top 15 teams in this ranking would receive or keep their existing first tier status as long as they also meet the financial, ethical and administrative criteria. Team Vitesse relied heavily on the strong finishes of Dr. K2 in 2010 cyclocross season, the high placing of Lampo Bianco at the Giro and the "Heavy Drop" flourishes by h2o at the Tour. The ethical and financial criteria were conceived by Johan behind closed doors. "They asked a lot of ridiculous questions about the team's ethics which required equally ridiculous answers" bragged Johan. Team Vitesse has long been known as the bad boy team of cycling because they rely on physical and psychological tactics to win races. Therefore it is surprising to some that Team Vitesse slots into the top ten amongst professional teams.

The UCI's 2010 Teams Rankings

1 Luxembourg Pro Cycling Project
2 Rabobank Cycling Team
3 Garmin-Cervélo
4 HTC-Highroad
5 Omega Pharma-Lotto
6 Lampre-ISD
7 Katusha
8 Sky ProCycling

8a Team Vitesse-HL88 & Cold Arm

9 Liquigas-Cannondale
10 Saxo Bank SunGard
11 Team RadioShack
12 Vacansoleil-DCM Pro Cycling Team
13 Pro Team Astana
14 Movistar Team
15 BMC Racing Team
16 Euskaltel-Euskadi
17 Geox-TMC
18 Quick Step Cycling Team
19 Cofidis Le Crédit en ligne
20 AG2R
21 FDJ
22 Saur-Sojasun
23 Pegasus Sports
24 Skil-Shimano
25 Acqua e Sapone
26 Colnago-CSF Inox
27 Europcar
28 Androni Giocattoli
29 Topsport Vlaanderen-Mercator
30 Veranda's Willems-Accent
31 Team Type 1
32 CCC Polsat Polkowice
33 Bretagne-Schuller
34 Farnese Vini - Neri Sottoli
35 Landbouwkrediet
36 UnitedHealthcare Pro Cycling
37 Team Netapp
38 Team SpiderTech powered by C10
39 Caja Rural
40 Colombia Es Pasion-Café de Colombia
41 De Rosa-Ceramica Flamina
42 Andalucia Caja Granada

Cyclocross. One Man's POV

Thank you H2O for your Team Vitesse race report and support in the last few races. It is true that this fall Team Vitesse and Dr K2 actually went as far as to sign up for some cyclocross races. After a decade long retirement from racing Dr K2 returned with a bang (well more of a whimper) proving the old adage that you are never too old to race for a worthwhile cause such as COLD ARM. Johan's revolutionary training techniques of "within power" and "freshness" were faithfully applied. No serious training was partaken by Dr K2 prior to the first race and within the first lap it was obvious that Dr K2 had mistaken within power for without power. The first race resulted in the gasping utterance of "i am never doing that again"....2 races later Dr K2 wonders if he may need to visit with the team's head shrinker (LB i need you!!).

Dr K2 has learned a number of valuable lessons which he would like to share with other Team Vitesse members:

1) Ten years away from bike racing is not "freshness" its "staleness"

2) Writing a thesis and changing diapers are not an appropriate training regime. Saint Eddy M. was correct in his assertion that one must "ride more"

3) Orange tooting horns from Holland look cute enough but they contain enough power to knock a grown man clean off a bike.

4) Race days are not "opposite days" therefore H2O suggestion to "keep it smooth" actually means to remain smooth not to dig ones head into the turf like a Belgian ostrich.

5) Within power works best when power actually exists within otherwise it is just a training gimmick used by Johan to support his baccarat habit.

6) "Lets go race it will be fun" ....who ever says these words should be kicked in the shins and the Team Vitesse member should promptly run away as fas as possible.

7) Start times are not suggestions unlike Johan's fluid (alcohol of his selection) sense of time, races exist on a prompt schedule. Arriving at the start line while having a team mate peel off your warmup jacket will not get you a good starting position.....and you know how important that is in cyclocross....well at least Dr K2 does now.

8) Never, I repeat never, enter the sand pit behind a camel....passing is not encouraged due to all the spitting and they often throw a hump not unlike an elbow in that favourite of Burundian sports, hockey.

9) Being of the same nationality as Ari Van der Pool does not immediately predispose one to the sport of cyclocross. A long winter of training at Cold Lake awaits Dr K2 in his quest to maintain mediocrity in the beginners class of cyclocross.

Dr K2 finds Within Power

After the disaster of Dr. K2's last cyclo-cross race, yesterday's triumph of smooth riding and Within Power maximization is a relief. That previous nightmare RED Cross race witnessed h2o urging his teammate on tp victory. Blowing his Johan Horn, h2o literally blew K2 off his bike. Dr. K2 went down and was promptly passed by 4 riders. He plummeted down the standings and blames the inopportune blast from the Johorn for his disappointing finish.

This Sunday's race would make the drama of his previous outing seem trivial. Dr. K2 got off to a very slow start from the back of the field. He quickly overtook weaker riders on the steep inclines deep in the fecund forest. Passing areas were at a premium on this difficult course but K2 always found a way.

Shown above, Dr. K2 deftly passes a highly ranked camel. Apparently, the camel and its jockey suffered a mechanical and retired to the oasis. K2 finished the epic having only one fall which h2o did not witness and claims absolutely no responsibility for.

Lampo IS the Bagman

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has scored a tour de force with its newest bag collection. Creatively dubbed the "Lampo Collectzione", this high quality plywood satchel is a one of a kind carrying experience.

Made to the strict standards of Lampo Bianco and his advisory staff, the Lampo Collectzione courier bag boasts an impressive pedigree. Cut from the same plywoodium cloth as the Ultimate Bag, Lampo's new bag contains refinements only possible in the sweat shop atmosphere of the Happy Lucky 88 studios.

Whether you are on a forced march or merely picking up this distinctive bag in a feed zone, the Lampo Collectzione is a must have for the up and coming or mature racer.

HL88's New Element Announced

Top scientific minds at Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory have convinced the world chemical community that Plywood and its underlying element, Plywoodium, ranks as an element of the periodic table. In fact, it has replaced Radium which has the same atomic weight - 88.

Recently, a liberated Chilean miner brought rocks to the surface to share with his saviours. These rocks are said to contain traces of plywoodium.

Certain factions of the international scientific community have expressed concern that Radium is a useful element and should not be bumped off the chart. HL88 officials have disarmed these alarmist contrarians by proving to them that Plywood can do just about anything, as evidenced by the incredible success of Team Vitesse.
News of its inclusion as an element has caused a spike in Plywoodium prices at $888.88 per metric ounce.