cycling cosmonaut

Future ramifications of the Past

2012-02-10T15:41:00.003-07:00

In this week of doping scandals and the handing out of retroactive sanctions, it has come to the attention of Team Vitesse and sponsor Happy Lucky 88 that the UCI and CAS have PREEMPTIVELY sanctioned Team Vitesse rider, Dr. K2nees. With the recent rash of back dated suspensions (Contador gets 2 years but can ride in August, Ullrich getting 2 years but he has been retired for 5 years making him eligible to ride for the last 3 years) it is poetic justice that Dr. K2nees should be preemptively sanctioned. After all if he was victorious at the Tour de Dump and received the points associated with those wins, the ruling bodies must assume that doping took place. With today's announcement of the preemptive past tense sanctioning, Cycling Cosmonaut has learned that the good doctor will be eligible to ride as of last week.Through out the protracted process, Dr. K2nees has long claimed his future innocence. He does agree that it is a good idea to enjoy a "$3M Spanish steak purchased in Alberto" because they did do wonders for his past training regime.Johan was reached for comment at the Dubai camel track where he currently has all of Dr. K2nees' future prize money wagered on "Alice, the Dromedary of Death (ADD)". Johan brayed, "It doesn't surprise me one bit. K2 is a shifty guy who has never grasped his own Within Power. If he had, presently he won't be in this past predicament in the future. The team stands behind any future decision he may make and have retroactively terminated and reinstated him. I hope this unfortunate incident will not affect our future and past invitations to the prestigious Tour de Dump event". Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory officials were also reached for comment murmuring, "We think that plywood should be enough of a performance enhancer. Why do professionals seek solace in best before beef gone bad?". Sadly, due to an impending UCI and CAS deadline long past, HL88's nebulous comments are just that.

Vitesse Professor Implicated

2012-02-08T07:45:00.000-07:00

A credible interweb news source is reporting that a Professor will starve himself to clear Alberto Contador (AC) of doping charges. Next we will read that a Professor has died waiting for Contador to be cleared. Cycling cosmonaut wishes to assure readers that this professor is NOT our beloved Dr. K2 who has reportedly eaten a hearty breakfast of cream of wheat laced with gobs of tranquillo. Tranquillo is the active ingredient much sought after by Spanish and Italian riders. AC found it in beef steak but got caught. Ivan Basso found tranquillo in Spanish blood bags and served a suspension for his troubles. This all seems a bit excessive. Dr. K2 gets his daily requirements of tranquillo from breakfast cereal made with loving kindness by Mrs. Dr. K2. What more does a fellow want?

Race Radio Problem Solved

2012-01-30T07:44:00.000-07:00

Johan, ever watchful for technological advantages to ensure Team Vitesse cycling domination has combed the cycling archives for "re-solutions". "If the UCI forbids teams to use race radios, why not have bike radios tuned motivational radio stations?" mused the great man. Indeed the 1957 Huffy was used to great effect during the Cold War, ferrying paperboys to bomb shelters at high speed to the pinched sounds of Miles Davis and Birth of the Cool.

Surely there can be no issue with these bikes in the professional peleton...

Team Time Trial Tactics

2012-01-24T11:43:00.001-07:00

Team Vitesse is busy testing the latest technology for this year's edition of the Tour de France with its 106 kilometers of individual time trials. The time trial element of the tour is thought to be the key to success and Johan has directed the team to "train like the Schlecks". While Levi shows off his all-weather time trial equipment, Team Vitesse prefers to test new proven technology:

Johan has assured the team that the UCI has received enough inducements to approve the Team Vitesse time trial rig.Illustrated below is the new Team Vitesse training method adopted from the HL88 human powered segway. After delivery to Team Vitesse sometime in 2014, Johan will be able to scream encouragement to the hapless rider. All of the team looks forward to that day.

HL88 Wheel Factory Layoffs

2012-01-24T07:26:00.001-07:00

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory's flagship wheel manufactory has been forced to close effective immediately. The labour staff was locked out yesterday after it became apparent that the quality of work was not up the the high HL88 standards we have come to enjoy. It seems that the wheel builders were cutting corners in the construction of the basic plywoodium wheels. Dr. K2, nominal wheel tester, reported "seeing workers licking nipples before assembly and bending spokes with their minds". Both wheel building staff members had no comment but vowed "To help Daddy ride bikes". Fortunately they were not out of work for long. HL88's bottom bracket assembly line quickly put them back to work adding sparkles and drool to Dr. K2's fleet of bicycles.

Indoor Scooter Pacing

2012-01-23T07:05:00.004-07:00

During the last week of minus 40 degree C temperatures and recuperating from a knee injury, h2o turned to training indoors. With the television showing Omloop Het Nieuwsblad 2010 narrated by the tender repetitive tones of Phil and Paul Liggett, turning the pedals became a bit of a bore. Enter Bridget the new scooter-pacing maniacal idea from Johan. Johan considers basement training an essential to prepare for the Ride to Conquer Cold Arm. h2o will attest that following Bridget is a challenge and provides a new dimension to interval training in the basement.

Cold Arm - Perennial Menace

2012-01-18T07:22:00.002-07:00

In these days of minus negative 30 degree C temperatures and brisk little breezes, one must be extra vigilant against that evil threat, Cold Arm. At these extreme temperatures Cold Arm can attack and gain traction in the most attentive amongst us. Let us not even consider those who shun Cold Arm advice, always given freely and without judgement. You shunners know who you are.
While Cold Arm will always be a formidable foe, we must join together to mitigate its effects by being circumspect, observant and proactive. Be ever watchful for your family, friends and neighbours, especially those who flaunt the warnings and bring upon themselves unnecessary Cold Arm suffering.
Remember that Cold Arm can never be eliminated, only controlled through careful watchfulness and long sleeved clothing.

Team Vitesse Goals & Objections

2012-01-13T13:00:00.004-07:00

As a new cycling season dawns over the sleepy peleton, Team Vitesse manager, Johan the Omniscient, has been hard at work fleshing out his "Converging Static Flux Moments" training program. Shown below are the fruits of his steel trap mind, a mind so sharp as to render razor blades obsolete. This, however, does not mean that Team Vitesse will enter races with hirsute legs.

Reaction from the team was swift. Lampo sniffled, "When you’re fast they shoot, when you're slow they shoot, when you’re in the middle they shoot you also."
Dr. K2, in a quasi-spiritual moment, intoned, "you will always find black sheep. it’s a part of my job now to talk about it and I live with those things and have to deal with them.” Perhaps h2o summed up the readiness of Team Vitesse best when he babbled, "I think I have experiences which no one else has had. You can just ride your bike and get your money at the end of the month but I don’t want that.”

Johan's 2012 Training Program

2012-01-06T09:33:00.005-07:00

A new year always bristles with excitement and anticipation with pro cycling team presentations, new team kits and the desire to improve on the previous year's results. Team Vitesse is no exception although improving performance over 2011 will be next to impossible. However, Johan is never one to shy away from a challenge. He demands that Team Vitesse utterly dominate the sport in 2012 by doing "whatever it takes". Johan spent his short prison hiatus designing an incomparable training program that can be utilized by professionals as well as amateurs. Obviously the amateur program costs a lot more but promises to be equally effective.
Training programs come and go. Johan has adopted the wildly successful "Elmer" program. Elmer Collins, shown below in 1909, was the champion of motor paced races. Elmer's smug swagger is not an affectation. It is the result of eating right, balancing the correct "dietary supplements" and being lucky in UCI doping controls.

Johan's training brainchild is called "Converging Static Flux Moments" or ConStaFluM for short. "If Team Vitesse can converge their static flux moments at the optimal launch coordinates, they will represent Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory with pride", mused Johan over hi-balls. Whatever happens, Converging Static Flux Moments promises to be THE story to watch this coming race season.

Single Dropped Christmas Eve

2012-01-03T19:29:00.005-07:00

Here, now, exclusive to cycling cosmonaut, are the lyrics to h2o's electrifying hit single "JUS' PIMPIN' MY RIDE". First performed in front of a live audience to overwhelming acclaim, this thematic tour-de-force touches on many universal themes and is certain to blast from many a team bus speaker at the 2012 TdF. Get the full effect with quadrafonic drum multi-tracking NOW from HL88 plytunes web interface.

JUS PIMPIN' MY RIDE

Jus pimpin’ my ride til it’s bona fide
Bes’ wheels on the pavement
A carbon-free enslavement to improve capability
Impact my mobility
In all probability increase my virility
Gotta pimp my ride
put a mojo onside
make these wheels a dream glide

gonna dissipate vibrations with shock travel connectors
penetrate the dark with hub powered reflectors
a chamois on the saddle makes a good protector
of the package / no jock itch / smooth stoppage/
safe passage / no damage
Jus pimpin’ my ride til it’s bona fide…

My spokes are radially bladed, I change tires unaided
Got internal cable routing for non-polluting commuting
I’m the cream of the peleton with brakes record skeleton
Bike king of Edmonton / a rare winter specimen / a cold climate denizen,
A spandex man Michelin.
Jus pimpin’ my ride til it’s bona fide…

I get snappier shift action with campagnolo options
High-modulus carbon fibre might be worth my adopting
on all of my bike fleet, now seven and counting
The need for storage solutions keeps mounting and mounting
Jus pimpin’ my ride til it’s bona fide…

I’m a velocipede collector, accumulator of wheels,
I can vouch for the fact that steel is real
cain’t have too much excessories / they really are necessities /
I need these amenities
to achieve bike bling serenity
Jus pimpin’ my ride til it’s bona fide… (REPEAT AD INFINITUM)

Cycling Boots for Roubaix

2011-12-29T15:46:00.005-07:00

During this holiday season, HL88 and manager Johan have not been idle. Johan has been sourcing various potential shoe sponsors for Team Vitesse. He believes that he has a firm deal in place for footwear to be utilized in the biggest and best spring classic, Paris - Roubaix to be run on April 8, 2012. After consulting an out of date farmer's almanac, Johan has assured himself that heavy rain and mud will be the order of that fateful Sunday in April. He has decided that all Team Vitesse riders will be wearing these fetching rubber boots. Designed in Denmark by Danes, and produced in China by Chinese, these magnificent wellingtons will no doubt be the talk of the peleton.

HL88 enters Prosthetics Market

2011-12-24T17:57:00.004-07:00

Just in time for the holiday season, these life-like legs from Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory's "Hokey Pokey" line are just what you need for any celebration.

Bike fabricated from food

2011-12-19T09:17:00.010-07:00

A little known factoid about North Korea is that it is a major powerhouse in bicycle production. Shown here, the late great dicktator examines a large root vegetable destined for the bike factory.

North Korean workers happily produce upside down bikes for the hungry consumer market.

Shown below, partially digested bicycles are carted away to the landfill, all in the name of the most excellent and great North Korean plan. In the tweet words of Steve Martin, "Kim Jung is no longer IL".

Euro Zone Euro Speak

2011-12-12T08:16:00.006-07:00

"The path to development is not devalued money in the hinterland, but intellectual capital from the metropole. The key is not cheap labor but rich brainpower, the climate that will cause globals to inject the DNA of various businesses into the commercial life of southern European states". Doth quote Zarkozustra.

Translation: Buy more Italian bicycles and bicycle parts.

Eggplant - It's Official

2011-12-01T08:44:00.006-07:00

If you haven't heard it yet, let cycling cosmonaut be the first to inform you that the eggplant has been designated as "Fruit of the Year" for 2009. The formal announcement was made by Steve Martin, recently beatified for his tireless work in promoting all things banjo.

Team Vitesse has been quick to adopt the eggplant's cause and is now soliciting funds from you to support ongoing work to raise eggplant awareness. You might be asking yourself, "How can Team Vitesse Ride to Conquer Cold Arm AND raise eggplant awareness"? Don't worry about it...we got this. We can because we are managed by the genius Johan and we blindly believe in his vision(s).

Seen in Cowtown

2011-11-24T12:40:00.003-07:00

Cycling cosmonaut returned from a trip to check out the cycling culture of the cowboy hat metropolis to the south. This tricycle caught my eye, immediately transporting me back to the timeless cartoon, "Triplettes de Belleville".

Meanwhile, this "vintage" military bicycle hung from the rafters with care in a local army surplus. Presumably it was designed with high swoop factor on top and down tubes to outrun the enemy bombing raids.

Danes imitate HL88

2011-11-22T14:21:00.002-07:00

The Manufactory is once again firing up its litigation team to sue the nation of Denmark for copyright violation. Pictured below is the offending reproduction in the form of a plywoodium blanket. "This is an outage" raged Johan between shots of port. Bjarne Riis, manager of Team Saxo Team Bank, is suspected of copying the ever popular, people pleasing, patented plywood pattern.

Memory from the "Olden Days"

2011-11-14T12:12:00.002-07:00

I spotted this "vintage" Schwinn bike on the interweb. I was immediately transported back to my junior and high school days in Lethbridge Alberta about 40 years ago. My dad had a black steed like this one. When I was big enough I ditched my smaller Schwinn with the banana seat and ape hangers and rode this model. It was certainly faster but a bit dangerous on the "big shale". The big shale was series of huge swoops and steep hills frequented by motorcycles.

I have great memories of flying down smooth, almost vertical pitches and slamming on the coaster brakes just before the river's edge.

Clydesdales Got Nothin'

2011-11-04T12:32:00.004-06:00

It has been posited that the heaviest cyclist is the Pachyderm. This sliding measurement comes to the intertube from the site, SuperClydesdale. The Pachyderm is the cyclist weighing in excess of 220 pounds. The pachyderm is constantly faced with the limits of technology. Whether it is the tensile strength of spandex stretched to the point of flames or the torsional strength of carbon wheels, the big cyclist is a force in and of nature. This fact was visualized in 1894 by some lardass named Byron.

HL88 RAP Song in Development

2011-11-04T07:30:00.007-06:00

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has commissioned the Unknown Poet (UP) to write and produce a rap song entitled, "Pimpin' Mah Ride". In the style of the genre, UP will be rhyming such words as belligerent, Heavy Drop, conflagration, wheel sucking, CAFIB, plywoodium and other terms ubiquitous to HL88's mission statement. Core Team Vitesse members are excited to get this motivational music into their Walkmans. Lampo Bianco's response summed up the team's anticipation drawling, "This rap thing will be a nice change from the steady diet of Hank Williams Jr. and Neil Diamond we have been listening to for the last 3 years."

The Unknown Poet has her work cut out for her satisfying Johan and the rest of the team. The song is scheduled to "drop" in time for Christmas.

Top 10 Reasons to Buy New Road Wheels

2011-10-21T10:01:00.003-06:00

A follow up to the widely read "Top 10 Reasons to Buy a New Bike" is the hotly anticipated "Top 10 Reasons to Buy New Wheels".

10. Wheel goes out of true on false flats.

9. Wheel goes out of true on bike stand.

8. Wheel goes out of true when I put on my kit.

7. My competition rides ______ and they look cooler than I do.

6. Wheel begins to quiver on Saturday nights before Sunday morning ride.

5. Motorcycle wheels do not fit on bicycles.

4. Carbon wheels look faster, stronger, more competitive than aluminum rims (but they aren't)

3. Fellow cyclist recommends wheels (that turn out to be crap)

2. After following advice from trained professional, realization comes that he has no idea how strong a pachyderm is.

1. What else would I do with this extra $2,000.

If you have been following this blog, you will know that I invented and have perfected the Heavy Drop. The Heavy Drop is a maneuver so devastating as to leave the peleton in tears and tatters. It involves applying extreme downward force to the pedals using all my heavenly joy poundage. Torque wheel load is beyond measurement and many rear wheels have succumbed. Therefore I apply all of the above to the search for new road wheels.

Top 10 List of Reasons to Buy a New Bicycle

2011-10-15T06:05:00.005-06:00

It is difficult to imagine that anyone would need a reason to buy a new bicycle. However, for readers out there who find themselves having to justify the purchase of a new velocipede, Johan has created the "Top 10 Reasons to Buy a New Bicycle":

10. None of my current stable match my pants.

9. My child doesn't need 4 years of post secondary education. 3 should be enough.

8. I am replacing one my dog ate.

7. This one has a scratch on it.

6. I don't have a bike made of this semi-precious metal.

5. I have this really nice seat post that is crying out for a bike.

4. My competition goes faster on their _________ and I need one too.

3. The bike I am riding has a flat so I am sick of it.

2. There is room to store one more bike here in the bathtub.

1. To be truly taken seriously as a curator, I really need to expand my collection.

When installation goes awry

2011-10-10T17:02:00.003-06:00

When Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory came up with their incisive new product, Nipple Shield LXXXVIII, the 88 page instruction pamphlet that accompanied the shields became an instant best seller. Unfortunately, even the most explicit Chinese instructions can be misinterpreted as shown in the foto below. Lampo Bianco is the first the acknowledge that his grasp of Mandarin is not as good as that of Cantonese. He claims that he followed the diagrams, used a protractor and the advice of the HL88 telephonic support system to locate his nipples and install the shields.

At first blush, it appears that LB has placed the nipple shields in the correct position. However, he claims that the protection is not as effective as it could be. Officials at HL 88 are reviewing the data but refuse to announce a full recall of the Nipple Shield ZX at this point in time. This may be an isolated case of piss poor nipple location techniques rather than a fault with the actual product.

October Cross Action

2011-10-10T10:23:00.003-06:00

Cycle cross action was recorded for internet posterity by the cycling cosmonaut photographer. Below, the eventual winner bunny hopped the barrier on every one of the 8 laps.

The sinuous route took riders among the trees and through the coulee. As is normal in cross races, there is no place or time to catch one's breath.
Off camber uphill turns challenge the riders' strength and intestinal fortitude. Many participants depleted their portmanteaus of power and race solely on their carryall of courage.
A beautiful day and an exciting race provided this correspondent with much to admire among the cross racers. Perhaps in the next life I too can enjoy the toilet bag of toil and unpack my pallet of persistence.

Johan's Luggage Lexicon Part 2

2011-10-03T14:43:00.003-06:00

True to form, Johan has risen to the heights of sobriety to deliver a few more nuggets of luggagisms.

portmanteau of power
haversack of humility
rucksack of respect
cosmetic case of confusion
carpetbag of conceit
grip of guile
holdall of hate
knapsack of nefariousness
kit bag of kindness
packsack of praise
handbag of hope

Use liberally whenever the opportunity arises.

Johan's Handy Lexicon of Racing Baggage

2011-10-02T15:00:00.009-06:00

From time to time, Johan regains consciousness long enough to display his vast knowledge of cycling. Cycling Cosmonaut caught up with Johan during a lucid moment while he was immersed in memorizing the rules of cricket. Johan spoke from the heart and this is the redux of his rantings on racing baggage. He stressed that these aphorisms are to be used liberally whenever an excuse is required for either good or bad performance. They are based on the now infamous "suitcase of courage" which, Johan claims, was stolen by Phil Liggett.

hat box of hauteur
valise of vexations
bubble pack of biliousness
laundry basket of inactivity
envelope of envy
satchel of excuses
packing case of panic
attache case of apathy
man purse of motivation
grab bag of ingenuity
file folder of futility
thimble of sense
pallet of ignorance
chamois of shame
bidon of blues
musette of misery
derailleur of desire
handbag of heavy drop
purse of power
pocket of perfection
wallet of will
billfold of BS

No doubt Johan will produce more baggage allusions the next time he is back "with us" after running out of money at the casino of incomprehension.

New Product from HL88

2011-09-23T19:02:00.006-06:00

Ever the innovator, Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has set to work to increase cycling enjoyment for the professional peleton right on down to the catagory 6 commuter. Extensive testing in real race conditions by Lampo Bianco ensures that the newest product is unique yet effective.

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory is proud to announce the HL88 Nipple Cover. Who among us has not suffered the indignity of cold nipples or even endured the pain of having a nipple stuck by flying debris while charging down the finishing straight?

HL88's R&D department has found the solution! Do not be fooled by cheap imitations. Only HL88 has genuine Nipple Covers* with Plywoodium*

The Origin of Pain

2011-09-15T18:15:00.004-06:00

I must express my sincere apologies for neglecting to update this blog with Team Vitesse information. Having returned from a fact finding mission to WORC (Western Oceanographic Research Cosmodrome), there is much information to share. PE5GW and h2o travelled through scenic British Columbia and made a special visit to view the original Pain Cave. Now a national historic site, the Pain Cave once boasted the largest inventory of suitcases full of courage.

It is posited that neanderthals meandered through this lovely area with massive hunger pangs in search of a legendary "Pain in the Cave", a place to staunch their terrific appetites. It is thought that this is how the Pain Cave got its distinctive name. Shown below is a special table (circa 1788) clearly designed for travellers. The table allows a traveller to carefully open her or his suitcase of courage, the contents of which might have shifted during the journey.

Possibly more remarkable than the Pain Cave and the "table", is the strange and wonderful Splat Falls. This clip was surreptitiously recorded without the express written consent of anyone at all.

Mr. C Creates 2 Slugs

2011-08-25T19:32:00.004-06:00

Today's ripper around the lake once again saw carnage. h2o set off on his trusty sled, Mr. C, and maintained a lung bursting pace until the unthinkable happened. Legs churning to gain the maximum benefit of a heavy drop on a downhill, h2o ended the life of a 3 inch long slug. The slug was neatly cleaved in two by the crabon wheel set equipped with schwalbe 28mm tyres. It is hoped that the slug felt less pain than being sprinkled with salt and left to writhe on the tarmac.

h2o is in training for what will be an epic showdown against his teammate and protected rider, Lampo Bianco. LB's low altitude training schedule of walking to his vehicle leaves the door wide open for h2o. He blew out some lung loogies on a short rippling ride with LB and h2o is now ready to capitalize on laughable languishing lung logistics.

Whoa R Bikes

2011-08-23T08:45:00.001-06:00

It was with great sadness that I witnessed so many bicycles left to deal with the elements strapped to the backs or on top of vehicles in the rainstorm on Highway 1. Thanks to the sacrifice in comfort made by PE5GW and wiener dog George, Mr. Colnago got to ride inside the vehicle. Mr. C was most appreciative and Johan is considering a medal of commendation for PE5GW.

After debarking the ferry, a quick inspection of the WORC was performed. Someone must have tipped off the staff at WORC because a newly painted sign hung over the entry to the palatial premises. Hat Model, mini LB and Lampo Bianco himself were among the dignitaries welcoming the delegation from the other cosmodrome. Gluten free snacks were consumed in celebration. "Very impressive" and "Holy Doodle" were just some of the exclamations uttered.

h2o and PE5GW repaired to their executive yurt for the evening to enjoy goat milk slurpees.

--
One world, two wheels

Korean Style Pain Relief

2011-08-17T06:39:00.005-06:00

h2o's cycling career has long been marred by injury. Yet he continues to reap victory after victory thanks to wily tactics such as the heavy drop and attacking in feed zones and during nature breaks. Recently, he has sought pain relief from a Korean mystic, recommended by Johan.

Low intensity laser treatment followed by hours of Johan's special "tough love" verbal abuse has drastically reduced h2o's complaining. Couple that with a kinesiologic tape job in the form of the Korean symbol of healing AND anarchy means that h2o has rejoined the professional peleton ready to rip it up (referring to his knee and the road).

h20 and PE5GW are preparing to visit the WORC (Western Oceanographic Research Cosmodrome) and h2o will be testing the tape against Lampo Bianco. Lampo, still fresh from his Ride to Conquer Cold Arm, has been training at low altitude and has been receiving regular inspiring voice mails from Johan. He will make a formidable opponent for h2o and his 1.5 legged riding style.

HL88's New Bag Inventory

2011-08-07T18:37:00.006-06:00

When not testing plywoodium tolerances or investigating the menace of Cold Arm, Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has been getting back to basics in the cosmodrome. In this case the cosmodramatic workers have been busy creating a new line of courier bags.

Shown above with the security detail are 2 of the shoulder bags now undergoing thorough testing.

Each bag may be wholly or partially waterproof having been lined with an orange plastic membrane. They are 100% guaranteed to have some blood of the maker spilled and dried somewhere in or on the bag.

This mondo unit even has an internal pocket plus it can easily carry one pair of trousers, one dress shirt, one medium sized lunch, a bicycle repair kit, one notebook, one lock, a pen and a banana.

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has always been concerned with branding. The great company is launching the bags under the brand HL88 VELO. Katchy and Kool n'est pas?

Closure remains one of the biggest obstacles to creating the ultimate shoulder bag. Shown below, HL88 is experimenting with shock cord and totemic animal buttons.
Production is expected to be ramped up due to overwhelming interest and low low pricing!
Do not hesitate to contact the other cosmodrome at h2o@cyclingcosmonaut.com to reserve your HL88 VELO bag today. Waiting time is already estimated to be 11 months.

CAFIB Q&A

2011-08-03T10:58:00.005-06:00

I am shocked and dismayed to have to post a recent comment under "CAT 6 Racing Supported by Science".

"Is the CAFIB compatible with the "other" wrist decoration? You know, the yellow one that has"Lovestring" on it...."

Anyone who purports to follow this blog must realize the importance of fighting Cold Arm and the unifying purpose of the CAFIB. By its very definition, the CAFIB is an exclusive accouterments, whose plywoodium power trumps a pathetic yellow rubber band. To address the question from the misguided commenter, the CAFIB only enhances the yellow band but works best with unimpeded access to Within Power (i.e. screw the yellow rubber band).

The yellow rubber band in question springs from noble intent. Sadly its main proponent continues to deflect doping allegations. His defense so far is "I never tested positive" implies guilt. He should ask himself "What Would Johan Do?". Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory feels that his continued aversion to the truth only weakens the rubber in much the same way that sunlight desiccates plastic.

Corporate culture at HL88 embraces all dopers past and present. Plywoodium, the building block of the CAFIB, is strong like bull. From the pages of Johan's little red book comes this nugget: "Forgiveness is a dish best served with a CAFIB on each wrist."

Cat 6 Racing supported by Science

2011-07-28T07:48:00.006-06:00

According to a paper by the Swiss economists Bruno Frey and Alois Stutzer, a person with a one-hour car commute must earn 40 % more money to have a sense of well-being equal to someone who walks (or rides their bike) to work. Fey and Stutzer say that people underestimate the down side of a long commute when choosing a home, and that psychologically, a long commute often negates the benefits gained by living in the suburbs.

“People spend a lot of time commuting and often find it a burden. According to economics, the burden of commuting is chosen when compensated either on the labour or on the housing market so that individuals’ utility is equalized. However, in a direct test of this strong notion of equilibrium, we find that people with longer commuting time report systematically lower subjective well-being. Additional empirical analyses do not find institutional explanations of the empirical results that commuters systematically incur losses. We discuss several possibilities of an extended model of human behavior able to explain this “commuting paradox”.

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has long held the position that wearing a CAFIB while commuting immediately increases the sense of well being for all racers in the Cat 6.

HL88 Product alert

2011-07-07T07:14:00.005-06:00

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has taken the unprecedented action of warning its many world wide customers of a potential problem. Plywood is synonymous with HL88 and ubiquitous in their range of cycling accessories. Musette bags developed by the manufactory are made of the elemental form of plywood known as plywoodium (atomic weight = 88).

After a single complaint by one of the 2 owners of plywoodium bags, HL 88 has issued a product warning. Over ripe bananas can be lost inside the plywood interior of the bag, blending with the moray pattern in a nefarious manner. This is the first time in the history of the fabled Team Vitesse sponsor that a problem with plywood has been reported and it is likely to be the last.

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory continues to live up to their motto "creating problems for existing solutions".

Johan's Unspeakable Passion

2011-07-05T07:57:00.007-06:00

We all know and love the ribald antics of Johan, the omniscient manager of Team Vitesse. His tough love, dreadful gambling luck, seeming indifference to cycling and his habit of coaching with a hangover from bed all serve to remind us how truly reviled and revered he is within and without the peleton. During one of his rare conscious moments at the Tour this year, Johan agreed to reveal some of his private passions besides the obvious chicks, booze and drug lifestyle choices. Few people know that Johan is a collector of rare preferably ancient musical instruments and holds a degree from the University of Ulan Bator in rare and preferably ancient musical instrument identification. Armed with in depth knowledge and a keen desire, Johan has slowly aquired an exquisite collection of instruments of the world. Never satisfied with a mere sackbutor crumhorn, Johan seeks out more obscure corners of musical history.

When not managing 2 professional cycling teams, Johan scours the world web for deals. A certain Mr. Ahmadinejad of Iran was selling the strange and unique "dyadinidruel" and Johan snapped it up at at a bargain price roughly equal to the operating budget of Team Vitesse. No matter, for who would not desire such an instrument as this (unfortunately in artist sketch form only). Johan quite rightly fears that camera flashes and sunlight would damage the dyadinidruel. Ancient cave drawings show that this instrument was played mostly by children during recess.

No doubt Johan will organize the hearty bleating of the Dyadinidruel; likely blown and plucked by children during this year's Tour de France on rainy overcast days in the high mountains. The dyadinidruel will likely replace the Johorn as a fan favourite.

Cosmodrome - behind the scenes

2011-06-24T19:10:00.005-06:00

One of the multitude of benefits to being the master of a wiener dog is his devoted vigilance when guarding his mobile barking platform. Ready for any contingency, George the miniature long haired dachshund, has completed all first aid courses available to dogs owns a black belt in mouth to mouth resuscitation and will not hesitate to tear the stuffing out of anything.

As well as being a huge fan of buttapps, George fulfills all security requirements at the Other Cosmodrome. h2o is certainly fortunate to have such a loyal but vicious security officer on 24 hour duty. Do not let his benign countenance deceive you. No squirrel is safe from this fearless barking machine.

Johan's Tough Love

2011-06-21T07:07:00.003-06:00

Lampo's ride to conquer Cold Arm concluded successfully this week. Unfortunately the buttapp RSS feed suffered catastrophic failure due to excessive US roaming charges. Johan would not approve the extra expenditure which is understandable given that he was on a losing streak. In any event, Lampo reports a stiff neck and no nether region issues. LB even managed to cross the border without incident using the Heavy Drop. Johan was pleased with the result blathering "Lampo did yeoman's service in an effort to alleviate the insidious Cold Arm. He finished high in the overall classification and looked very smart doing it."

Now all eyes are looking to Johan to name his Tour de France starting list. With barely 2 weeks until the grande depart, Johan has indicated that no one is assured of a bunk in the tour Winnebago. The trusted Team Vitesse manager has instituted a radical new approach to his selection process. Johan's process involves disciplined execution. Johan elaborated while sharing some coke refreshments, "If my boys don't do as I say then discipline follows. When discipline fails I move to execution. We want to execute in a disciplined manner."

The 3 pillars of Team Vitesse, Dr. K2, Lampo Bianco and h2o find the specter of execution slightly ominous. Perhaps Dr. K2 summed it up best intoning "We are used to Johan's discipline. We are not as keen on the execution part."

LAMPO Rides to Conquer Cold Arm

2011-06-18T09:57:00.003-06:00

Last night, under cover of darkness, Lampo successfully crossed on the fairy to the mainland start for the Ride to Conquer Cold Arm. In typical style, Lampo requested last minute coaching information from Johan. Recent buttapp output shows some dangerous trending below.

Johan advised using butter as buffing agent to ease friction in LB's nether region. "Rancid is the new cool", drawled Johan over drinks on the terrace. Lampo has dutifully seized the butter and now coos in agreement, "Is there anything that Johan doesn't know about cycling?"

Unfortunately Team Vitesse has experienced some internal rancour resulting from the special rain cape designed for Lampo by HL88. A perturbed Dr. K2 wondered out loud, "What is wrong with the original super absorbent rain cape for Lampo's ride?" The answer, of course silly, is that Lampo's specific physical attributes do not lend themselves to a tight seal in the original version of the super absorbent cape. LB wants to experience the rain fully and completely. The plywood interface filters some of that experience.

Lampo's Preparations in High Gear

2011-06-15T08:22:00.003-06:00

Lampo Bianco has turned up the heat on his training schedule and correspondingly on his seat. If you have been following the buttapp, you will know that LB entered the orange zone on 2 separate occasions with frightening and dreadful results.

When Lampo regained consciousness, he realized that riding on the west coast can be a wet proposition. He hurriedly put in an apparel requisition to Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory. HL88 seldom deviates from its mission statement, "Creating problems for existing solutions" and they have proven true to their word. Once again HL88 has solved Lampo's aversion to precip with this stunning creation specifically designed with Lampo's unique physique in mind.

Aerodynamic in every way, stylish while doubling as a bivouac tent, Lampo is sure to be the envy of all those dedicated riders in the Ride to Conquer Cold Arm. Success is now within the grasp of Lampo Bianco as he does his part to alleviate Cold Arm.

Lampo Gets Serious

2011-06-13T08:18:00.004-06:00

With only 7 days remaining until the Ride to Conquer Cold Arm, Lampo Bianco has begun his training in earnest. Shown here posing for paparazzi with his initial choice of training bike, Lampo may look buff but claims "My six pack does not represent much base training - something I plan to address this week."

Indeed that six pack does not imply buns of steel, something vitally important on the 300 kilometer Ride to Conquer Cold Arm. That is the reason why Lampo has chosen this chopper as his go to machine. Note the sprung saddle, ready to translate bumps into feather softness. The ape hangers allow full ventilation in and out of the pits.

"I strive to maintain high koolness factor at all times" growled LB continuing, "Koolness should never be confused with Cold Arm. They are mutually exclusive forms of coolness."

Johan was extremely impressed with the chopper cycle howling with incredulity, "Why don't we use those at the Tour?"

New Lampo Bianco APP now available

2011-06-02T19:17:00.002-06:00

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has developed an application for rotary telephonic devices as well as other communication systems. The app will measure redness, chaffing and pain in Lampo Bianco's tender never nether area. Special sensors are being clinically induced into Lampo's system. Once on his steed for the Ride to Conquer Cold Arm, you can follow the deterioration of Lampo's fundament in real time. Pain and agony are of course measured on a scale for 1 to 10. When keister readings exceed 10, you will know that Lampo has entered the dangerous "flaming red zone" at the same time he does. Join the fun with Johan's pool! Be the one who correctly predicts the kilometer when Lampo hits 11 on the scale of 10 and win your own buttapp!

Lampo Prepares for Ride of a Lifetime

2011-06-02T07:09:00.004-06:00

Lampo Bianco has been hard at WORC (Western Oceanographic Research Cosmodrome) preparing for the "Ride to Conquer Cold Arm". In typical Lampo fashion, the Team Vitesse rider as eschewed all training opportunities. Instead he believes that freshness is his greatest ally in riding the 150 kilometer route along the ocean as part of a 3,000 strong peleton. Recently he mewed about his major concern, "I worry about how my posterior behind area will react to bicycle seat after 8 months off the bike..." Johan was quick to offer a myriad of solutions to this burning issue:

Smear 1 pound of butter into the cycling chamois.
Remove the seat completely to negate the potential for contact.
Use "Within Power" to embrace the chaffing, raw, searing, burning agony.
Employ Johan's helper monkey to do the ride for you.
A combination any 3 above.

Whatever Lampo Bianco decides to do, the Ride to Conquer Cold Arm appreciates the effort in alleviating Cold Arm. He understands that Cold Arm is a determined foe.

Insider's look at Johan's vehicle

2011-05-26T13:00:00.004-06:00

Intense negotiations with Johan have finally resulted in a world exclusive - this foto essay of Johan's mobile control centre on the road at the Tour de France. Shown below, the cockpit from which Johan provides all his tactical advice to Team Vitesse.

The front grille proudly displaying Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory sponsorship.

Another view of the sophisticated controls of this high performance support vehicle. The back seat could not be shown due to ongoing negotiations with a new vineyard sponsor that Johan is courting.
Johan graciously donated this power wagon to Team Vitesse in the full knowledge that it would raise the profile of the team and its sponsor.
Johan's parting comments reveal the extent of the Team Vitesse ethos, "it is gutless and it works!" Team Vitesse relies completely on the neutral service vehicles during races for parts. Johan provides the motivation and liquid refreshment from behind to wheel of this 1937 Morris 8.

New APP announced by Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory

2011-05-11T07:48:00.003-06:00

HL88 has just announced its new app for droid and other mobile phone platforms. Choosing a rural setting in Mongolia for the announcement, HL88 has once again confounded the pundits with a "must have" application. The new app uses existing consumer interface technology and guarantees significant loss of functionality.

The new "CAFIB Production APP" or "CAFIBPROAPP" will allow the consumer to monitor the Manufactory's incessant production of CAFIBs. Access to inventory levels, raw materials tracking and individual worker output can be tracked during an intermittent 8 hour window of satellite access. Enjoy the shear magnificence of high technological production techniques from the confines of work or home during certain times of the day.

You can now see how your personal CAFIB is made, by whom and when you can expect delivery - all with an app on your personal mobile flotation device. Free trial download is available!

Caged Animal now part of Peleton

2011-05-10T16:42:00.004-06:00

Still stinging from the loss of 2 outstanding grinders, PE3GW has been looking for some payback. Experimentation at the Other Cosmodrome has resulted in an innovative deterrent to grinder theft. Regular rounds at random times have begun with a vicious caged animal patrolling the premises and environs of the Other Cosmodrome. If danger is sensed, the operator simply unloads the creature. Growling, barking and caterwauling most often soften the resolve of would be ruffians.

Shown here bearing his ferocious teeth, the patrol wiener dog gives pre-attack "the look".

No hacker will breach this security system.

Crisis in the Cosmodrome

2011-05-09T11:13:00.003-06:00

A Cosmodramatic crisis has rubbed itself raw within the walls of the Other Cosmodrome. PE5GW, a.k.a Pointy Elbow 5 Grinder Wife, has lost a grinder to suspected theft AND has suffered the indignity of grinder motor burnout.

After a legal name change she is henceforth known as PE3GW until these grinders are replaced. Please change all correspondence until further notice. Cut down in their youth, the grinders will be difficult to replace.

The situation will be rectified before National Grinder Day, celebrated by welders around the world. Johan was uncharacteristically quick to react drooling "Team Vitesse has a grinder inventory? We can use them to shave off seconds the team time trials!"

Heavy Drop - What's in a word?

2011-05-04T12:13:00.003-06:00

By popular demand (of the court), Johan, a man of many tongues and manager of Team Vitesse, has translated the "Heavy Drop" terms from around the world.

Korean 다량 투하 Ruptured Heavens

Portuguese gota pesada Heavy the fall

Russian тяжелое падение Big Bailout

Japanese 重量物投下 Black Snow falling leaf

German schwerer Tropfen Heavy liquorice

Greek βαριά πτώση Iron Locomotive Blasting its Horn in Wilderness

Italian goccia pesante Heavy meal - big nap

French baisse lourde Healthy broth with tarragon

You will agree that maelstrom of fear is not mitigated by any language barrier.

Team Vitesse Education Outreach

2011-05-03T07:17:00.003-06:00

Welcome to the first instalment of an education outreach initiative by Team Vitesse. Johan, as part of his court ordered community service, wants Team Vitesse to open the "play book" of professional cycling to educate the seething masses. Page 1 of the playbook is, of course, the Heavy Drop. Despite the fact that Heavy Drop is known, feared and revered the world over, it has been translated into various world languages:

다량 투하

gota pesada

тяжелое падение

重量物投下

schwerer Tropfen

βαριά πτώση

goccia pesante

baisse lourde

Whatever language you speak, Heavy Drop is ubiquitous with high speeds, black holes, veritable maelstroms of fear and Johan's heinous tactics.

Team Vitesse News

2011-05-02T07:07:00.003-06:00

With another completely ignored spring classics season under their belts, Team Vitesse begins preparations for the Tour. Hard at WORC (Western Oceanographic Research Cosmodrome) Lampo Bianco has dusted off his steed and blown out some lung tar. With the able assistance of Hat Model, LB managed to adjust his shoe cleat after 5 years or incorrect positioning. Johan winced saying, "there goes that excuse!". Knee pain eradicated, Lampo finished the 3km round trip to the donut shop and back to WORC in less than 90 minutes. "The sensations are good. Now I must build my basement" intoned the Lampo.

Meanwhile at the Other Cosmodrome, h2o and Dr. K2nees launched a workman-like attack in honour of International Workers Day. It was the maiden voyage for h2o on his new steed. He found it immensely satisfying wheezing, "The sensations were good. Now I must build my base". The good doctor rode with fenders on the clear dry day insisting "Fenders imply a training ride and hide my lack of fitness". Johan was not fooled however and screeched into the riders' earpieces to go hard or go home.

At one point on the route, h2o and K2 were confronted with remnants of a breakaway. K2 went to the front and pulled h2o up to the 2 escape artists whose backpacks belied their intent on a long unsupported attempt at victory. Team Vitesse quickly dispatched the pretenders. The gap was extended when the hapless saps continued up a dead end while Team Vitesse plowed the fertile furrow home.

Johan expressed his pleasure with his team's efforts blathering "I think Lampo's donut turnaround time can improve on a time trial bike. The other 2 must amp up their trash talk".

Heavy Drop - Exclusive inside fotos

2011-04-22T14:25:00.009-06:00

For members of the professional peleton, mere mention of the Heavy Drop is enough to induce uncomfortable silence. For those who have been subjected to its magnificent ferocity and witnessed the shear tyre ripping acceleration, only dumbstruck awe can summarize their reaction. The Heavy Drop has been oft discussed on these pages. Little is known about what a Heavy Drop really feels like from the inside. Some imagine the "drop" to be similar to the hyper drive of the Millennium Falcon.

Cycling cosmonaut caught up with h2o of Team Vitesse, the inventor and foremost practitioner of the Heavy Drop. "It may appear to victims that initial burst of speed is like entering a black hole." h2o continued, "the black hole is actually where the rest of the peleton is left." Due to the random nature of these attacks, accurate velocity measurements have not been successfully recorded. It is estimated by HL88 scientists that stresses on h2o's bicycle are similar to space shuttle reentry stresses measured in multiple large units.

h2o graciously offered to fit a specially designed "camera" to record images of the first 0.5 meter of a Heavy Drop. During the first nano-second we can sense the surge beginning and what must be a nest of writhing snakes at the margin of the road.

At T plus 1/100th of one second of the Heavy Drop, distorted trees flash by, camouflaging what is probably a pack of wolves in the shadows. h2o qualified this exclusive footage stating, "I had to slow my Heavy Drop launch because of the 5 kilos of camera gear strapped to my helmet. I hope this small sample gives the reader a taste of the electrifying experience inside the Heavy Drop."

Our thanks to h2o for these exclusive images. Is it any wonder that the Heavy Drop is such a feared weapon in the Team Vitesse arsenal?

Tube Mortality Drops Precipitously

2011-04-14T10:04:00.003-06:00

Now into my fourth consecutive flat free day and feeling pretty good about it, the daily tube death ratio has fallen from 0.57 tubes per day. This is a welcome trend from the 3 for 3 mortality rate. I expect a glorious increase in tube lifespan after improving the tyres now gracing the rims of my fleet.

Tube Death Toll Rises

2011-04-11T19:04:00.003-06:00

The inner tube death toll rose to 4 after a puncture today. This makes 4 flats in 5 days. Before you leap to the conclusion that the daily puncture rate is 0.8, consider this. The one day I did not ride was the day I did not suffer the indignity of a puncture.

It has been suggested that I alter my route to avoid the nail factory and the broken glass depository. These landmarks are not the problem. The vast amount of small gravel strewn willy nilly over the highways and byways of this great city must be considered the culprit. I can only assume that specially sharpened fine glass particles with powers of rubber attraction have conspired to ruin my contented commutes.

If these puncture misfortunes continue to befall me, I will begin resemble this hapless professional from Paris Roubaix.

3 Days 3 Punctures

2011-04-09T18:15:00.007-06:00

Indeed, as advertised, 3 days of riding to work have yielded 3 flats. I am trusting that bad luck comes in 3's and this is the end of the stretch. I am single handily keeping the rubber plantations in business.

I work more hours than usual at this time of the year. Each puncture has come on my way home after a long day of number crunching. It is difficult not to take the wrath of the rubber god personally. I am afraid...very afraid.

Vitesse crosses Passo di Mortirolo

2011-04-04T20:53:00.012-06:00

A seemingly innocent training ride turned into an epic journey of robust proportions. h2o and Dr. Knees rode over the famed Passo di Mortirolo at the insistence of Johan. The fotos below prove that Team Vitesse still has the foolish bravado and daring do so admired by its prime sponsor, Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory.

After ascending the first 3,000 meters in little over an hour, Team Vitesse bravely continued without the vehicular assistance other more panty waist teams rely on.

The riders found the pass "pan flat" and cannot understand what the "big deal" is about this much feared pass, used regularly in the Giro d'Italia.

If there was one blemish in an otherwise glorious mountain outing, it was that Giovanni's Koffee Shak at the top of the pass was closed. "With vehicle support we could have ridden to Germany" lamented K2nees.

Vitesse Vanquishes Victory

2011-04-04T07:50:00.004-06:00

This year, Johan chose to sit out the Ronde van Vlaanderen with Team Vitesse. His reasons are many but professional pundits believe it comes down to 2 reasons:

Team Vitesse is peaking for Paris-Roubaix.
Johan blew the entry fees on Big Mig Indurain winning Milan San Remo.

Whatever the reason, two thirds of the team went out yesterday for a clothing layering test on what has become known as the Frozen Hell of a Winter. Dr. Knees, resplendent in a riot of clashing logos and colours, rode a wonderfully clean scandium frankenbike. h2o spun the course on a cross bike named after a North American Mountain range.

A cold wind blew off the snow capped fields. Since this was the first organized Team Vitesse outing, the road rose and fell precipitously. Johan seemed pleased at the riders' progress towards domination of the cobbled classic. Dr. K2nees reported that he could hear Johan snoring peacefully over race radio.

Vitesse ready for speed

2011-04-02T19:04:00.003-06:00

True to their name, Vitesse the team will speed across the local countryside for a Sunday club ride. This gruelling ride will be the final tune up before their appearance at Paris-Roubaix next Sunday, April 11. h2o, shown below, has the most experience on the cobbles of northern France. K2ness and Lampo Bianco, the speedsters of the team will be looking to h2o to guide them effortlessly across the hell of the north.

The plan is for Johan to drive the black stealth Escalade to within 1 kilometer of the velodrome so that Team Vitesse can ride in to the cheers and accolades of the ribald fans. This plan has merit.

WORC works on BOFFOC

2011-03-27T15:13:00.006-06:00

The Western Oceanographic Research Cosmodrome or WORC has tested some special equipment for use in the BOFFOC (Bags On Feet For Outdoor Cycling) testing. Of course, the testy competition has been suspended during the current seasonal warming period called spring. However, you can imagine the excitement and enchantment experienced by test subject and staff when the WORC equipment was unveiled.

The timeless beauty of the WORC BOFFOC bags was too much and h2o decided to circumvent the strict BOFFOC rules surrounding out of competition bag usage. A short BOFFOC demonstration reveals how the bags bear up under stress conditions. These particular bags are light and have a high crinkle factor with a bonus Dutch image printing feature. We will have to wait until the temperature dips below minus 25C to test these late entrants to the competition properly. However they will be very useful in maintaining dry feet if and when the snow finally melts to form large seasonal puddles and lakes.

Click on image for full effect.

Chakra Watch in Effect

2011-03-21T07:14:00.005-06:00

Local cosmodrome officials have issued a rare Chakra Watch. The watch, not to be confused with a warning, means that the likelihood of personal chakras being negatively affected by wind is high. A Chakra Warning means that the likelihood is extreme. Measures to mitigate the upset chakra threat include ear muffs, a hat, staying indoors, staying in bed and the like. Although the ambient temperature is moderate, the isobars are close enough to generate significant air movement. This air movement, also called wind, has the potential to blow in one ear and out the other.

Some fools insist that an upset chakra is worse than Cold Arm. Cold Arm experts are unified in refuting this ridiculous claim and point to endless Cold Arm studies as proof that Cold Arm is a constant nefarious threat to humankind. Chakra upset means you should just cover your ears. No contest.

Cold Arm - New Unknown Danger

2011-03-15T13:16:00.007-06:00

Faithful readers of this blog should be familiar with Cold Arm and its attendant dangers. Just today, a new menace associated with Cold Arm was identified. Cold Arm science is struggling to keep pace with this development. Of course, I speak of "Elephant Elbow".

Elephant Elbow is an alarming dryness on that bendy area where your arm bends. Untended, Elephant Elbow can reach epic proportions requiring gallons of lubricant. Elephant Elbow can be treated and, if monitored regularly, need not pose the same threat as Cold Arm. There is no direct link between Cold Arm and Elephant Elbow but it is only a matter of time before that link is defined. Medical studies have shown that the elbow is actually part of the arm so naturally Elephant Elbow could exacerbate Cold Arm symptoms.

Odometer Reset

2011-03-08T13:07:00.004-07:00

You may have noticed that the Manufactory Hit Odometer was mysteriously reset overnight. This is most certainly sabotage perpetrated by certain competitors of Team Vitesse and Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory. Rest assured that an HL88 manual abacus backup system kept track of verified hits. The odometer has been set to the proper count. Johan is leading an investigation into who might have done this dastardly deed. "No code will be left uncoded!" launched Johan at the culprits. Lampo Bianco was amongst the last to notice that the odometer had been wound back to zero. This bot attack should serve as a warning that unscrupulous personages will stop at nothing to learn the secrets of plywoodium.

Check your Baggage

2011-03-04T07:03:00.007-07:00

Today's baggage check or "BOFFOC" was cancelled due to the warming trend that is eking its way across the plains. You will agree that at minus 21 without the benefit of windchill, bag testing is a puerile pursuit.

Whenever the climatic conditions cooperate you can look forward to the following match ups:

Please click on the image for a marginally enlarged view of the Final Four in BOFFOCdom. Wagering on the Final Four is now available. Contact Johan the Omniscient for odds and sods.

It's in the BAG

2011-03-03T07:21:00.003-07:00

Today's warming trend to minus 21 C could spell the suspension of BOFFOC testing. However, the elimination round was closed out today with 2 upstart challengers. A Sobey's bag (S) was pitted against a white bag (Whitey) with no identification. Whitey is the kind of bag that one would choose if one had to carry a pair of shoes to a party. Innocuous, plain but sturdy, Whitey ruled the day amidst controversy surround the effort of S. It seems that the Sobey's bag contained a paper till receipt which is likely to have provided a modicum of insulation. This unfair advantage has disqualified S from advancing to the next round. Science abhors a cheater.

No doubt everyone hopes for continued dismal cold weather so that the BOFFOC competition can reach a highly anticipated conclusion. We may get our wish because meteorologists predict cold mornings for some time to come.

Baggage Carousel

2011-03-02T07:16:00.003-07:00

Today is March 2 and happily the deep freeze continues. I say happily because another cold day presents another exhilarating round of BOFFOC (Bags On Feet For Outdoor Cycling). The competitors were kindly supplied by a local BOFFOC consultant. She provided a Winners bag (W) and one from Liquor Depot (LQ). The windchill of minus 32 C was an ample challenge for the contestants. The bags are of a similar plastic consistency and crinkle factor. Both are thin with the LQ bag having more writing on the bag. This may or may not have made a difference in the results today.

A pleasant ride with the wind for the most part, brought me and my titanium steed to HL88's corporate HQ. The winner by a slim margin is the aptly named Winners bag. It will be moving on to the next round.

I was questioned by the BOFFOC consultant about the prudence of using a contestant bag twice in these competitions. To set the record straight, if the head to head battles are to be on the same footing, fresh bags will be used on each foot for each round. Good question! I am glad to see that someone is paying attention.

Excess Baggage

2011-02-25T07:22:00.006-07:00

Even though today's windchill temperature of minus 35C represents a warming trend, 2 new bags were tested in what is now known as BOFFOC (Bags On Feet For Outdoor Cycling). If you have been following this highly scientific study you know the drill. Today pitted a Home Despot bag against a Dollar Rama bag. The two bags are similar in that vital indicator, crinkle factor. Perhaps the HD bag is slightly thinner with a marginally higher crinkle factor. All in all it was a contest between equals which resulted in a tie.

Since pure science could not settle this, I turn to aesthetics and other factors as the final arbitrators in this dour battle for bag supremacy.

The HD bag's beige colour complemented my brown jeans and highlighted my ensemble. However, one must purchase these HD bags. Free plastic bags are still available so this factor may be the straw that stirs the camel's drink. Dollar Rama bags are free and purchases to fill these bags are inexpensive. If that isn't a good enough reason then the fact that word "Rama" (Hindu god of virtue and self control) is printed on every bag clinching Dollar Rama's win today.

Bag Man Rideth

2011-02-24T07:24:00.003-07:00

This morning the thermostat read minus 26 C. I was elated because I knew that this was an excellent temperature for the third round of plastic bag comparisons. Featured today, the battle of the drugstores -- Rexall and London Drugs (LD).

Similar in weight, the Rexall is spun from a more brittle plastic. LD's representative has a more plastic bag feel. After suiting up for battle against the elements with Rexall on the left and LD on the right, I stepped into the exterior and into the teeth of one stiff breeze. The air movement reportedly made the temperature feel like minus 37. I was comforted and warmed by my plastic preparation.

Bicycles and their movement don't enjoy the challenges of frozen grease so progress was slow and methodical. I am pleased to say that I arrived at HL88 HQ with all bits intact on both bike and person.

The results of the bag test are thus. Rexall has lived up to the reputation of its sister company, the Oilers, losing miserably. LD triumphs, keeping my right foot at the toasty setting. LD now moves on to the round of Sweet Sixteen. The draw will be posted soon.

Personal Baggage

2011-02-17T09:04:00.002-07:00

Today i rose to find the temperature and wind chill at minus 30 degrees C. This was perfect weather for the second phase of foot in bag testing. I put my left foot in last week's winner, a Safeway (SW) bag and right foot into the challenger bag, Save on Foods (SoF). SoF bags are a similar weight as the SW bags but with fewer holes. On the surface this test would be a contest between equals.
The stiff wind proved cutting and most uncharitable. The bags crinkled in my boots. Arriving truimphantly at HL88 HQ I sensed a temperature difference between my feet. I am pleased to announce that today's winner of the foot bag challenge, by the slimmest of margins, is the new comer bag, SoF. Scientists at Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory are studying the results with an eye to incorporating plastic technology into their plywood products. Stay tuned for that.
Meanwhile other plastic bag challenges are planned weather permitting.

Studs on Bikes - Timing is Everything

2011-02-15T07:17:00.008-07:00

This winter has been a roller coaster of temperature fluctuations. With unpredictable regularity, we celebrate thaws of plus 6 degrees C followed by short periods of minus 20. The highways and byways of this fair city have been caked in rutted ice or water depending on the day of the week and the hour of the day.

This is the time when studs on bikes really come into their own. Studs feel in control, secure and at one with the road. The studded tyres really assist with this self delusion. Whether encountering sheets of newly frozen puddles or cruising over vast lengths of rutted ice terrain, the stupid cyclist has no fear when equipped with studs. Studded tyres are heavier than regular rubber by 2 or 3 times. They are noisy and generate excessive friction when travelling across bare pavement. I am constantly assessing the road conditions, each day I wondering when it might be best to remove my most excellent NOKIAN ice tyres. What is the optimal percentage of dry road to ice-covered frozen hell of the north that will allow me to go back to regular rubber?

Some say that studs are an insurance policy against hitting the floor. I know I feel a tiny thrill when my front or back wheel slips - and then everything starts coming up roses when a stud grabs the ice. I know all is right in my choice of equipment at that moment. But as I agonize about whether to change my tyres, I realize how trivial it all is. I really should be worrying about how I look, my koolness factor if you will, rather than my safety.

All you doubters eat my ice chips.

A Tale of 2 Bags - Dog Owners Rejoice

2011-02-08T08:11:00.006-07:00

Winter riding presents multiple challenges including cold, wind, ice, driving snow, drivel, freezing rain, and cold. My large feet are the most vulnerable to cold, as they faithfully pound the pedals, moving up and down but not really generating heat. Sizing of the fancy pants winter cycling boots as reviewed on redbike do not approach the requirements of my mammoth hooves.

One old wife tells a tale of putting sock clad appendages into plastic bags before shoving them into boots. Yesterday's commute started at minus 24 degrees C with an uncharitable windchill of minus 33. I reasoned that if ever there was a morning to prove the plastic bag theory, it would be that day. My right foot was encased in an Italian Centre bag and my left foot was placed in a Safeway bag. Dog owners around the world know that Safeway plastic bags are vastly inferior. They often have holes, tear easily, and are prone to epic catastrophic failure. Italian Centre bags, on the other hand, are made of a more robust plastic making them stronger, more durable and highly prized by canine cleanup crews.

I set off in my multiple foot layering system, bombing over vast stretches of ice left by the rain/snow/deep freeze mix of the past weekend. Curiously I began to sense that my right foot (Italian bag) was colder than my left foot (Safeway bag). Indeed upon arrival at Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory headquarters, I became convinced that Italian bags were inferior in heat retention-deflection to the Safeway version. I can only conclude that I have stumbled upon a solution to employ those otherwise useless Safeway plastic bags. Go forth with bags on your feet and enjoy the warm sweet sweat between your warmish toes while you pick up dog stuff with your Ital bags.

Mollie Moonbeam Passes

2011-02-08T07:13:00.005-07:00

It is with great sadness that the cycling world mourns one of its inspirational canines. Mollie Moonbeam, faithful friend and 4 legged companion of Pointy Elbow 5 Grinder Wife for 14.5 years, left her duties as one of Team Vitesse's mascots yesterday after a short illness.

Mollie Moonbeam was a Shetlands sheep dog. Her strong herding instincts were always on display whenever the routine afternoon walk was imminent. Mollie's demeanor was one befitting a Princess. Never a fan of baths or combing, Mollie would invariably prance for all to behold after any grooming by her human.

She held the post as Queen of the local chapter of the DWDC "Dogs Who Detest Cats" for a number of years, an honour bestowed on canines who display excessive vigour in feline chases. Mollie kept an invading cat in a tree for 2 days just to prove a point. Her speed and agility was legendary. She was an excellent traveller, never complaining on road trips. Considering herself royalty, Mollie was particularly insistent that protocol and routine be followed whether it was for dinner, treats or eye drops followed by treats. She braved any weather and would quietly suffer the indignity of booties her human thought she needed in cold weather. After retiring from public office, Mollie passed enjoyable days sleeping in soft sunshine on the grounds of the cosmodrome. Thank you Mollie for your calm and loyal presence.

Brave new Posting

2011-02-03T15:10:00.004-07:00

The illustrious history of this blog is riven with wonderful third party depictions of life as a member of Team Vitesse. Henceforth and forthwith, the reporter behind the hilarity has decided to step out from under the crash helmet. I and h2o (hammer of holland) are actually the same person. Just today as I rode to Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory HQ to assume my duties in accounting, I noted 2 wascally wabbits cavorting by the path. They were developing brown spots on their backs. This must be a sure sign that our cold labours near a melting conclusion.

Meteorologists Vex Vitesse

2011-02-02T12:26:00.002-07:00

The first day of February in the frozen north was a very cool day. Weather oracles are always consulted in order to establish an overall "feel" for what the day will bring. Experience tells us that no one weather forecaster is ever 50% correct.

Minus 25 Centigrade was the general consensus and happens to be the threshold of pain for h2o. The steady 25 kmph south wind didn't sound like a big problem. Having dressed in layer after layer of multi-coloured flammable material topped with an old pair of wool dress pants, h2o entered the frigid fray. The words of Augustus, Emperor of Rome 63 to 19 AD, appeared in a cold induced vision as h2o forced his steed forward. "FESTINA LENTE" or "Make Haste Slowly" floated in the frozen mist lit by h2o's quickly dying battery powered lighting system. Easy words to follow since haste was impossible to make with frozen grease and toes. Praise and make offerings to the God Moderator who has blessed us with temps closer to zero.

Vitesse Reaction to "el Pistolero" Ban

2011-02-01T07:50:00.004-07:00

News of Alberto's possible 1 year ban from professional cycling hit Johan and Team Vitesse like a side of warm beef in an unrefrigerated meat locker. Johan was first to react musing "how can a rider complete a grand tour as a vegetarian? To be a man one must eat animal flesh. This was obvious even caveman cyclists such as Mario Cippolini".

Dr. K2 has begun working with scientists at Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory to study how wild ungulates, who eat only plant life, manage to run long distances seemingly at will. "There must be something in our verdant terrestrial covering that can be harnessed for cycling!", enthused Vitesse's climbing talent. Between spoonfuls, Lampo Bianco managed to blub, "mashed peas taste yummy with little or no aftertaste." h2o was more strident in his view of developments bellowing, "I will eat no more liver than I currently consume no matter what Johan says." As always the last word goes to Johan who proclaimed "Team Vitesse will continue to influence the outcome of UCI blood tests by whatever means possible. Of course El Pistolero is welcome to pay me to ride on Team Vitesse."

Vitesse lends Hammer to Local Constabulary

2011-01-25T09:27:00.004-07:00

Winter training rides are commonplace as Team Vitesse prepares for the spring classic season. Johan graciously organizes a police escort for the safety of his protected riders, in this case h2o. An unprecedented snowfall of epic proportions has blanketed training routes around the Westmount Cosmodrome. The deep layer of precip has morphed into a turgid mix of brown sugar, ice, gravel and other unknown heavenly detritus. This deadly mixture of wheel sucking miasma overwhelmed the blue and white cruiser meant to usher h2o on his 4 kilometer jaunt. What transpired next will serve Team Vitesse and Johan in years to come.

The situation appeared hopeless and all hope was going limp like the straw that stirred the camel's drink. Through the magic of modern communications, Johan insisted that h2o assume command of the police cruiser as the hapless constable chipped at the ice buildup. h2o slipped behind the controls of the vehicle and tapped gently on the accelerator. The engine roared to life; exuding enough power to burn rubber as if standing still which indeed it was. After much to and fro rocking, h2o managed to free the car with a modicum of assistance from the copper. The temptation to take off at high speed was great but the sage words of Johan echoed over race radio. "Don't blow this good karma. I still have to beat the DIY charges." h2o did not continue the training ride feeling that enough energy had been expended driving the cop car.

2011-01-11T13:42:00.003-07:00

Thanks to you, Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has become a powerhouse in the world cycling accessories. Demand remains strong for the Super Absorbent Rain Cape and the CAFIB. If you follow these pages at all you will know that HL88 has a jolly avuncular relationship with the pro cycling Team Vitesse. The riders on that team enjoy "prosumer" status. Not only does the team perform much of the field testing of new Manufactory products, team members pay a modest 8% premium for the same product that is available to consumers.
HL88 wants to acknowledge that incredible support with a special commemorative key fob. The Manufactory has created this fetching key fob made of plywoodium offcuts. Each fob has been carefully sanded by trained professionals. This product will enhance any key management system you can imagine. Every prosumer receives a free Plywoodium key fob with any purchase between now and August 8th. Quantities are unlimited. If you are currently a consumer and wish to become a prosumer simply add 8% to every purchase. HL88 will do the rest.

Pebble Penetration - The New Menace

2011-01-06T07:12:00.007-07:00

Riding during the winter months provides challenges which seem unthinkable to the layman or woman. Layering, tyre choices, Cold Arm, spectacle fogging, and frightful weather conditions are just some of the obstacles bested each day by h2o.

One problem that has received little or no attention to this point in time is an emerging phenomena tentatively called Pebble Penetration. Initial studies have shown that lugged rear tyres transfer small gravel from the actual road surface and deposits the irritants in the shoes of the cyclist. Upon lighting from his steed the cyclist suffers immeasurable aggravation in his lower extremities.

True to its intrepid mission statement, Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has stepped up with a solution likely to be duplicated by other cycling team sponsors.

The Pebble Penetration Protection System has been unleashed on an unsuspecting particle population (double click image for viewing enhancement). Using a clever concoction of duck tape and plywood, a blocking system which funnels the offensive particles away from the ankle is now being used by Team Vitesse. Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has got your back and foot.

WHAT HL88 IS DOING

2011-01-02T15:01:00.004-07:00

You may have heard about the product recalls that Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has had to make recently. Cycling Cosmonaut would like to bring you up to date on them and what HL88 is doing to make things right for you and your family.

Just the other day, they decided to pull about 25 million boxes of their most popular performance cereal, POW!er Pro-Seed Flax Melange (with actual raisins) out of stores world wide. This is not because they had to but because they decided to. Apparently the liner bags were found to contain a possible health hazard. You might say, "What's the problem...who eats the bag?" HL88 is not taking any chances and will be happy to send a legal liability release suitable for framing to the first eighty eight thousand people who send HL88 a proof of purchase seal. Once the release is returned to the Manufactory a small plywood token of appreciation will be sent back free of charge.

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory is not stopping there. They are also recalling every 8 kilogram container of Pro Pumpkin Butter Puree manufactured between 1997 and 2008. Some consumers of this performance enhancing product feel that there is something just not right about the puree. HL88's philosophy is that bad things happen to good companies all the time. The recalls simply prove that HL88 has you and your family's best interests at heart.

Happy New Year from Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory.

Test Flights begin at WORC

2010-12-31T08:13:00.004-07:00

The first test flight since the Western Oceanographic Research Cosmodrome (WORC) opened in August, successfully launched yesterday. Lampo Bianco, much decorated cosmonaut, has begun training for the spring classic season.

His cycling cosmonaut exclusive first hand account is reprinted here:

Took a 20 km flier on the ss (ed.: single speed) yesterday Uphill with a head wind both ways! Seriously, there are loooooong hills around here for a guy who hasn't ridden in so long. The ss gearing is now in question. However, Johan has talked me out of changing anything on the launch vehicle until my legs cease quivering.

Maybe I should just ride more which is what Johan would do. The photo was taken at the private WORC bathing facility down from the cosmodrome. The ocean laboratory lies at the base of the unbelievable grind of an 8 km climb on the inland route to the HL88 psychological test lab. The route back was along the water, more downhill included and a fabulous sunset over the mainland mountains across the strait. No photos were taken since that road suggested imminent death by crazy motorists around blind corners.

Cycling Cosmonaut praises Lampo for his bravery in cycling on a dry day in above zero temperatures and thanks him for the reminder that the Other Cosmodrome is locked in winter's icy grip at minus 28 degrees Celsius.

Auspicious Origins of HL88

2010-12-24T09:49:00.005-07:00

From the archives of Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory comes proof that the venerable supplier of bicycle accessories has sponsored the Roman Legions from 85 BC to the present day. During construction of the Pantheon, HL88, then known as Felix Felicis Fortuna LXXXVIII, provided logistical and plywood engineering to the spiritual centre of the Roman empire (click image for enhanced viewing).

Power Training for h2o

2010-12-15T07:36:00.003-07:00

Each day h2o makes his way on bicycle through the darkness to Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory's financial headquarters. These forays into to the the meteorological unknown present special challenges. After consulting various weather oracles, h2o changed his front ring to an easier spin in anticipation of an increase in brown sugar snow (BSS) imminent in every forecast. This change was facilitated by the installation of a half link chain for some reason.

These preparations proved to be an excellent choice for the single speed as h2o merrily pounded through field after menacing field of BSS. Of great assistance was the stiff breeze at his back driving the snow and h2o towards his destination. The return trip will present its own challenges as the wind is due to increase to 40 kilometers per hour without any let up in precip. No doubt h2o will draw from his Within Power coupled with some novel Johan inspired blasphemies.

Life Imitates HL88

2010-12-12T20:53:00.006-07:00

Thanks to one of the 8 readers of this blog for bringing yet more proof that life imitates Happy Lucky 88 Manufacatory's plywood initiative.

The wonder element PLYWOODIUM, made so popular by HL88 and crafted into so many high quality cycling products, has found a place in the Festivus pantheon. An intrepid inventor with a jigsaw has produced a fetching plywood tree ready to hold a finite number of ornaments. Shown here in its purest state, the plywoodium tree will likely withstand the feats of strength program of any evening.

HL88 sees the logic

2010-12-10T11:32:00.004-07:00

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has uncovered a highly covert operation which converted automobiles into something indescribable. These curious abominations were developed at an undisclosed cosmodrome in the nothern hemisphere. the engineer at HL 88 Manufactory feels she can adapt this technology to assist Team Vitesse during perilous navigation through brown sugar snow. Johan insists that the back tyre needs to be lager (see Graham Rawles lost consonants).

Team Vitesse Seeks Divine Intervention

2010-12-09T07:32:00.005-07:00

Fresh from their most successful season in the professional peleton, Team Vitesse is set to announce a new approach to training. Thus far sporadic training with a virtual manager (Johan the Omniscient) has resulted in riders snatching superb victories with too much effort. Dr K2 has noticed that Johan has changed his timbre this year. "I believe that Johan got religion somewhere" mused the good doctor.

Johan's new plan is to call upon divinities, both past and present, to augment an already strenuous and extensive training program. For instance, early in the season, h2o experienced an inordinate number of flat tyres. Having identified this as a potential nuisance, Team Vitesse has retained the services of Phlatus, Averter of Punctures, to watch over its athletes. Pheedus, the spirit overseeing feed zones will leave the services of Radio Shack to join the retinue of divinities who will be channeled by Johan.

Johan believes that channeling divinities will be chicken feed, "I often feel the spirits at the casino. They speak loudest after I pass out." Team members are unsure of how well Johan can drive the virtual team car, provide tactical guidance and channel while passed out. "Johan is a master of the multi-task" spouted Lampo Bianco from the new WORC (Western Oceanographic Research Cosmodrome).

The 9 "P"s of Cold Arm

2010-12-02T12:24:00.007-07:00

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory's Cold Arm Foundation continues its educational initiative with the introduction of the nine "P"s of Cold Arm. Deemed an issue of high concern, management has broken down Cold Arm into 9 domain environments based on experiential experiences.

Persecution: Cold Arm crosses all ethnic, gender and class boundaries with its relentless attacks.
Prediction: one must always assess each situation for the eventuality of Cold Arm.
Probability: Cold Arm never sleeps nor does it ever rest.
Provocation: Cold Arm seeks to undermine one's very comfort in one's chosen environment.
Preparedness: one can never be too prepared for the onslaught of Cold Arm. Always have anti Cold Arm precautions on hand.
Prevention: Think ahead before Cold Arm gains the upper hand, forearm and arm.
Purposefulness: conducting oneself according to the Cold Arm capability framework will give one's existence purpose and meaning.
Perseverance: one must be vigilant against the evils of Cold Arm.
Perpetuity: Cold Arm does not end simply because one has obeyed numbers 1 through 8. It can attack anywhere (see #4), anytime (see #3), anyone (see #1).
Puerility: Rest assured - there is nothing puerile about Cold Arm.

Commensurate functional activity must be coordinated. Watch for updates about the 23 "F"s of Stretch Goals by Johan.

Brown Sugar Riding - Trials & Tribulations

2010-11-29T10:59:00.002-07:00

Winter brings special challenges to the cyclist. Excessive snow mixed
with brownish dusty sand becomes a strange unpackable compound called
brown sugar snow. Similar to brown sugar but salty to the tongue,
brown sugar snow demands a particular skill set from the rider. Two key
takeaways from h2o's experiential analysis are:
1. Maintain the maximum rate of speed possible when entering a brown sugar zone.
2. Avoid excessive course corrections.
Always remember that forward thinking with a commitment to positive
intent will facilitate connectivity with the road.

h2o

HL88 - Green Delivery

2010-11-14T19:19:00.004-07:00

In keeping with the surge in interest in green technology, Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has retained skilled delivery men to feed the need for raw materials for its factories. Shown below is just such a professional driver on a closed course pounding the pedals in a relentless Johanish fashion. His goal was to deliver Styrofoam, a key ingredient in plywood production, to the giant mixing vats of HL88. Drivers must cover the 88 kilometers in less than 2 hours or risk having pay docked from their lucrative salaries.

There is feverish competition between these professional drivers who are true heroes in the supply chain management system. Please do not try this at home. It is best to use an abandoned parking lot to replicate these feats of delivery prowess.

New Derny Driver Announced

2010-11-10T09:03:00.012-07:00

Rip and Hammer a.k.a. R&H, has been the chef of Team Vitesse for as long as anyone can remember. His famous Protein Pucks, cooked with the able assistance of the George Foreman Grill, is the food of legend. Adhering to the strict fiscal restraint protocol practiced by Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory but ignored by Johan, R&H will perform double duty, adding Derny driver to his resume. Most teams are using the configuration pictured here.
Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory, ever the innovator, developed the 88 Scooter back in July of 2009. The Plywoodium barrier provides the patented "Hollow of Bliss" that Team Vitesse members are so passionate about.
From virtual reality to real reality, the R&H scooter will soon make its appearance at a velodrome near you. Make no mistake, this scooter can certainly scoot, thanks to the installation of a hyper speed chip. They say that pimping with accessories makes the ride and this rig is no exception. A special HL88 "Chiming of Good, Bad and Ugly Tidings" bell has been affixed to the command control cockpit. This warns everyone in a 10 meter radius to clear the track. Team Vitesse has wound it up and is in full flight!
Your sense of impending doom will be confirmed when you hear this ear piercing din coming at mach speeds from the rear. Team Vitesse is grateful to have the experienced trained driver, R&H, to pilot this vehicle from launch to landing.

Manufactory Signs Big Contract

2010-11-09T07:01:00.003-07:00

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory is now the official plywood supplier to the 2012 Games in London. This exciting news was announced recently by HL88 Management at a strip club in Soho. HL88 CEO, Hap Luck, was quick to point out the positives of this mammoth project. "We never built velodrome before and very excited to find out what is velodrome." Organizers of the games were impressed with the artists rendering of what will be London's state of the art velodrome. "We especially liked the choice of smooth or weathered plywood finishes for the ceiling of the building!" Critics express concern about what appear to be gaps at the seams between sheets of plywood. Johan, on hand for the announcement, dismissed this as nitpicking bellowing, "any track rider worth his/her salt should be able to deal with slight imperfections in the board surface. The maximum gap between 4 by 8 foot sheets of plywood is normally 6 inches."

Team Vitesse can attest to the magic imbued with each plywood product from HL88. "These guys are magicians with the plywood!" exhalted Lampo Bianco. "I have good HL88 sensations" whispered Dr. K2. "Kudos to HL88 for building this beautiful fire trap" enthused h2o.

HL88 sponsors feast

2010-11-04T07:04:00.005-06:00

In what is being described as a "Feast for the Ages", a couple of the loyal support staff from Team Vitesse sponsored an dinner of appreciation for h2o. Team cook Rip & Hammer and IT specialist, the "it man" were on hand to applaud the beneficent work of Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory and the continued sinning ways of Team Vitesse. Special Spanish protein discs were flown in from a local butcher for the festive event. These were cooked with loving care by George Foreman on his million dollar grill. Most of the clenbuterol was teased out with the cups of fat that were also liberated during the heating process.

As you can see, the result was a minimalist presentation fit for a King of the Mountains. h2o was the lucky rider to consume 3 of these Iberian treats. The raucous party broke out into song as the cranberry/spa drinks began to take hold. Toasts sent glasses clinking as Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory was hailed as the great innovator of modern day plywood usage. Johan provided some short disjointed comments via a satellite link up from a ditch outside of Bern. Transcripts of his colourful nonsensical rant are still being deciphered. All in all a most excellent evening was enjoyed by all.

Team Vitesse Confirmed as Pro Team

2010-11-03T07:04:00.006-06:00

The UCI announced today the first batch of teams to be awarded licenses at the top tier of the sport. The UCI also revealed the criteria for deciding which teams will be allowed into top tier, stating that for 2011 licenses. The evaluation of teams has placed particular emphasis on the sporting criterion. Johan sneered at the suggestion that he physically coerced the UCI into awarding Team Vitesse a license. "They received the same verbal abuse as my riders. That is just how I roll" growled the great man. Teams were ranked on the results of the squad's top 15 riders "using results obtained in 2009 and 2010" in all races on the calendar. It was decided that only the top 15 teams in this ranking would receive or keep their existing first tier status as long as they also meet the financial, ethical and administrative criteria. Team Vitesse relied heavily on the strong finishes of Dr. K2 in 2010 cyclocross season, the high placing of Lampo Bianco at the Giro and the "Heavy Drop" flourishes by h2o at the Tour. The ethical and financial criteria were conceived by Johan behind closed doors. "They asked a lot of ridiculous questions about the team's ethics which required equally ridiculous answers" bragged Johan. Team Vitesse has long been known as the bad boy team of cycling because they rely on physical and psychological tactics to win races. Therefore it is surprising to some that Team Vitesse slots into the top ten amongst professional teams.

The UCI's 2010 Teams Rankings

1 Luxembourg Pro Cycling Project
2 Rabobank Cycling Team
3 Garmin-Cervélo
4 HTC-Highroad
5 Omega Pharma-Lotto
6 Lampre-ISD
7 Katusha
8 Sky ProCycling

8a Team Vitesse-HL88 & Cold Arm

9 Liquigas-Cannondale
10 Saxo Bank SunGard
11 Team RadioShack
12 Vacansoleil-DCM Pro Cycling Team
13 Pro Team Astana
14 Movistar Team
15 BMC Racing Team
16 Euskaltel-Euskadi
17 Geox-TMC
18 Quick Step Cycling Team
19 Cofidis Le Crédit en ligne
20 AG2R
21 FDJ
22 Saur-Sojasun
23 Pegasus Sports
24 Skil-Shimano
25 Acqua e Sapone
26 Colnago-CSF Inox
27 Europcar
28 Androni Giocattoli
29 Topsport Vlaanderen-Mercator
30 Veranda's Willems-Accent
31 Team Type 1
32 CCC Polsat Polkowice
33 Bretagne-Schuller
34 Farnese Vini - Neri Sottoli
35 Landbouwkrediet
36 UnitedHealthcare Pro Cycling
37 Team Netapp
38 Team SpiderTech powered by C10
39 Caja Rural
40 Colombia Es Pasion-Café de Colombia
41 De Rosa-Ceramica Flamina
42 Andalucia Caja Granada

Cyclocross. One Man's POV

2010-10-28T08:25:00.003-06:00

Thank you H2O for your Team Vitesse race report and support in the last few races. It is true that this fall Team Vitesse and Dr K2 actually went as far as to sign up for some cyclocross races. After a decade long retirement from racing Dr K2 returned with a bang (well more of a whimper) proving the old adage that you are never too old to race for a worthwhile cause such as COLD ARM. Johan's revolutionary training techniques of "within power" and "freshness" were faithfully applied. No serious training was partaken by Dr K2 prior to the first race and within the first lap it was obvious that Dr K2 had mistaken within power for without power. The first race resulted in the gasping utterance of "i am never doing that again"....2 races later Dr K2 wonders if he may need to visit with the team's head shrinker (LB i need you!!).

Dr K2 has learned a number of valuable lessons which he would like to share with other Team Vitesse members:

1) Ten years away from bike racing is not "freshness" its "staleness"

2) Writing a thesis and changing diapers are not an appropriate training regime. Saint Eddy M. was correct in his assertion that one must "ride more"

3) Orange tooting horns from Holland look cute enough but they contain enough power to knock a grown man clean off a bike.

4) Race days are not "opposite days" therefore H2O suggestion to "keep it smooth" actually means to remain smooth not to dig ones head into the turf like a Belgian ostrich.

5) Within power works best when power actually exists within otherwise it is just a training gimmick used by Johan to support his baccarat habit.

6) "Lets go race it will be fun" ....who ever says these words should be kicked in the shins and the Team Vitesse member should promptly run away as fas as possible.

7) Start times are not suggestions unlike Johan's fluid (alcohol of his selection) sense of time, races exist on a prompt schedule. Arriving at the start line while having a team mate peel off your warmup jacket will not get you a good starting position.....and you know how important that is in cyclocross....well at least Dr K2 does now.

8) Never, I repeat never, enter the sand pit behind a camel....passing is not encouraged due to all the spitting and they often throw a hump not unlike an elbow in that favourite of Burundian sports, hockey.

9) Being of the same nationality as Ari Van der Pool does not immediately predispose one to the sport of cyclocross. A long winter of training at Cold Lake awaits Dr K2 in his quest to maintain mediocrity in the beginners class of cyclocross.

Dr K2 finds Within Power

2010-10-24T18:26:00.005-06:00

After the disaster of Dr. K2's last cyclo-cross race, yesterday's triumph of smooth riding and Within Power maximization is a relief. That previous nightmare RED Cross race witnessed h2o urging his teammate on tp victory. Blowing his Johan Horn, h2o literally blew K2 off his bike. Dr. K2 went down and was promptly passed by 4 riders. He plummeted down the standings and blames the inopportune blast from the Johorn for his disappointing finish.

This Sunday's race would make the drama of his previous outing seem trivial. Dr. K2 got off to a very slow start from the back of the field. He quickly overtook weaker riders on the steep inclines deep in the fecund forest. Passing areas were at a premium on this difficult course but K2 always found a way.

Shown above, Dr. K2 deftly passes a highly ranked camel. Apparently, the camel and its jockey suffered a mechanical and retired to the oasis. K2 finished the epic having only one fall which h2o did not witness and claims absolutely no responsibility for.

Lampo IS the Bagman

2010-10-17T11:53:00.011-06:00

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has scored a tour de force with its newest bag collection. Creatively dubbed the "Lampo Collectzione", this high quality plywood satchel is a one of a kind carrying experience.

Made to the strict standards of Lampo Bianco and his advisory staff, the Lampo Collectzione courier bag boasts an impressive pedigree. Cut from the same plywoodium cloth as the Ultimate Bag, Lampo's new bag contains refinements only possible in the sweat shop atmosphere of the Happy Lucky 88 studios.

Whether you are on a forced march or merely picking up this distinctive bag in a feed zone, the Lampo Collectzione is a must have for the up and coming or mature racer.

HL88's New Element Announced

2010-10-14T12:56:00.005-06:00

Top scientific minds at Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory have convinced the world chemical community that Plywood and its underlying element, Plywoodium, ranks as an element of the periodic table. In fact, it has replaced Radium which has the same atomic weight - 88.

Recently, a liberated Chilean miner brought rocks to the surface to share with his saviours. These rocks are said to contain traces of plywoodium.

Certain factions of the international scientific community have expressed concern that Radium is a useful element and should not be bumped off the chart. HL88 officials have disarmed these alarmist contrarians by proving to them that Plywood can do just about anything, as evidenced by the incredible success of Team Vitesse.
News of its inclusion as an element has caused a spike in Plywoodium prices at $888.88 per metric ounce.

Cosmodrome Annex Opens

2010-10-10T15:13:00.006-06:00

The official opening of the Other Cosmodrome Annex took place over the weekend. No HL88 dignitaries physically attended but were virtually present through the magic of modern telecommunications. The annex can hold up to 8,000 board feet of plywood, a boast that will soon be confirmed by the Chinese Cruncher. "Security of plywood is my paramount concern. In fact I could care less about it" mumbled Johan during a particularly bad night at the casino.

With security in mind, HL88's contracted designer, PE5GW (soon to be PE6GW), added modesty panels to the structure. "The modesty panels allow light to enter but never leave, much like a black hole only in an off white", chirped the team ornithologist.
This handsome structure is ready to accept shipments of Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory's indispensable raw material.

h2o Solos to Victory

2010-10-08T16:34:00.002-06:00

It was a dour battle against a light wind and inertia today as h2o rode his heart out for Team Vitesse. The day dawned cloudy with an oppressive sense of anticipation. h2o would set forth on a epic ride for the ages. The friendly familiar roads turned angry and unrecognizable setting the stage for a struggle of titanic proportions. The billowing clouds of effluent from the vibrant petrochemical plants served double duty as backdrop and lung coating. Johan bellowed into his earpiece spurring h2o to trash talk himself to the top podium spot. Despite his tears of exertion, h2o was still able to identify roadkill as he churned his way up the continuous false flat. One ex porcupine and one ex chickadee were noted. Other breathing wildlife included 7 llama(s) and a flock of 7 geese. These counts, of course, are in direct violation of Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory's entrenched corporate bylaws stating that all random number occurrences must end in the number eight (8). No doubt h2o will suffer severe consequences for refusing to pad his wildlife counts. Picking up Johan's bar tab can be prohibitively expensive.

Vitesse Ornithologist to Change Feathers

2010-10-05T07:24:00.005-06:00

Rumour and innuendo have reared their ugly heads around the Other Cosmodrome. A possible purchase of a sixth grinder could potentially take place. This sixth grinder, similar to a sixth sense, will reach speeds of relatively low r.p.m. in the wonderful world of grinders. "Polishing granite will become a grinding reality for me" trilled PE5GW. History will repeat itself when a Team Vitesse member's handle will be modified to suit your screen. Only after visual proof is presented to cycling cosmonaut will PE5GW (Pointy Elbow 5 Grinder Wife) become PE6GW (Pointy Elbow 6 Grinder Wife). Johan was nonplussed murmuring, "Vitesse has grinders? Shouldn't they be in the team car for some reason?"

HL88 Congratulates World Champion

2010-10-04T07:10:00.006-06:00

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has joined the chorus of congratulations ringing in Thor Hushovd's ears. Thor won the jersey in Australia this past weekend riding for Norway. HL88 has had a long association with Norway because some of the raw materials which go into the production of plywood have their origin in the forests of Norway.

Thor will make a great world champion and ambassador for Norway's burgeoning plywood supply apparatus.

Congratulations to the God of War.

Happy Lucky Not So Lucky

2010-09-23T11:57:00.005-06:00

Despite the resiliency of the plywood market and cycling products made therewith, Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has been forced to cut its level of sponsorship to Team Vitesse. This will be most noticeable as the team car follows the team at the major Pro-Tour events in 2011. Officials at the Manufactory hung their heads in shame at the announcement. "There will be no reduction of roadside support at the grand tours." Johan spewed further, " Our protected riders will be able to receive my advice in real time on real roads. Of course I will be travelling in reduced comfort in the camper with unspecified guests while one of the domestiques powers this wagon along."

Reached for comment, Lampo Bianco quipped, "What is good for Johan is good for the team." Dr. K2 was more assertive, "I never want to be a domestique again!". Team Vitesse's continued blind faith in Johan's managerial skills should pay dividends in 2011.

Life Imitates Blog AGAIN

2010-09-18T16:03:00.007-06:00

Whoever said that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery underestimated the WITHIN POWER of Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory. In a thinly veiled advertising gambit, a large chain store has crossed an unwritten rule in the sand. HL88's legal counsel is calling for backup to establish whether the "88" in its title can be used by just anyone without HL88's express written consent.

It does seem a bit more than coincidental that this upstart tire store for Canadians is marking its 88th birthday. Could it be that they are riding the brand recognition coattails that Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has tirelessly developed with the magic of plywood?